AW Week 4: Reading deprivation

I've missed reading blogs this week during the AW week 4 of reading deprivation.

Up to this point I've been reading a lot as I've researched my new book. I also read the way some people use TV to relax at the end of a day. My right hand has been aching from a lot of work typing and a lot of morning page writing so reading gives it a rest.

I miss reading! I miss letting words take over my head - someone else's words - and losing myself in reading.

But last night I was obedient - I picked up a blanket I've been crocheting for a year now and crocheted another row. Then I tried meditating for the first time in God knows how long. I'm a rusty and distracted meditator.

Speaking of God, and then back to what to do if I'm not reading...

I'm having a hard time with God and religion lately. This keeps coming up in the AW with all of the God stuff mentioned, but I'm realizing I don't know what I believe. I always assumed I believed in some God, but what if there is more than one? Native Americans believed in many; Native Indians (as in the ones who are from India) believed in many. Then sometimes believing there are many is more daunting - I mean - which do I make which kind of requests? I don't say prayers, that word prayer leaves me feeling unsettled lately, so I just call them requests.

Anyway...it's just another question without an immediate answer.

Back to reading deprivation. I can see it's a good thing, because ideas I had a while back are coming up and saying "hey, remember me?" Here are a couple things I have thought to do if I am not reading:

watch a disney movie with Ava
(cheating, i bet, but since I usually read AND watch a movie, it's nice to do just one thing)
crochet
meditate
practice yoga on the living room floor
play legos with Ava
call a friend I haven't talked to in months
come up with original ideas instead of the ideas others have written already

What has everyone else done instead of read????

For this week's AD, I went to Africa

I really didn't think I'd have time this week for an AD. I'm not home this weekend as I'm heading to Madera (near Fresno, in the complete middle of California) to help my Mom watch my two nieces and help prevent self-induced hair loss on her part.

So I was just about to give up. Then in the middle of my workday, in between client sites and offsite meetings, I found I had an extra couple hours. I decided to make a side trip to Office Depot to search for the Right Pen and then make my AD a walk through the IKEA showroom.

Not the most exciting AD, but maybe they are not about being exciting. Maybe it's about something else.

So I meander to the pen aisle at Office Depot, in search of the pen I "borrowed" from one of my client's supply closet and since have enjoyed the speed at which ink flows out of this papermate medium point but alas, they don't carry it. I tried writing with at least seven different pens but nothing could compare to the pen I stole. Albeit, I stole the pen from my client site because I wanted to see if it was morning pages-worthy. It was.

Then I drove across the parking lot into the giant IKEA parking structure. I bought myself a hot dog and then went up to the showroom.

About this time you're wondering about Africa, right? When do I get to Africa? I'm almost there, just a second.

I have wandered through half of the store, trying to go slowly with the ultimate luxury of not actually shopping for anything and not having my toddler in a cart. I walk through the mini-apartments and note with a smile that all of the books are in Swedish. I am heading through all the chairs and sit in one that looks like a spiderweb wrapped around a metal frame.

Then the intro to U2's "Beautiful Day" began to play just as I was walking into a kitchen with long cala lilly lights casting circles onto a kitchen island.

I close my eyes and I am back in Botswana, Africa. It is September 2002 and I am watching elephants saunter in a long line a quarter mile away from our open Land Rover. The day is dry and dusty, as to be expected this season before the rains come. I am wearing dusty khaki shorts, an olive green and white striped t-shirt and hiking boots.

Beautiful Day plays on my cd player headphones, I am hiding behind the music so I don't have to talk to anyone for a little while. This one time I decided to not take photos - I have so many elephant photos after 20 days in Africa I don't need anymore.

This time I will just watch, record in my mind two dozen elephants walking past with beauty and grace while my ears are hearing U2's Beautiful Day.

This happens everytime I hear this song - every time my thoughts go inward and I see elephants - trunks and tails swinging and large round gray feet rising in falling in time with the music.

I thought my AD was going to IKEA, but someone in charge in the Universe decided I was going to Botswana instead.

Week 3: Tasks

I am struggling with a few of the tasks this week. In #3 I am supposed to take a look at my habits, but I couldn't think of any rotten habits. I don't watch much TV - the only thing I regularly watch is Charmed at 8PM on Sundays. Sometimes I sneak in a 6PM rerun of Charmed on the weekdays, but not often.

The only "habit" I could think of is that I put nearly everything else before self-care, before me. I guess this is a habit, and one it's time to break.

The payoff is that I have a "worthy" excuse to not write. I'm too busy, you see...

I also got stuck on people I admire and people who I wish I'd met who were dead. I always think these people are supposed to be famous. I don't really admire anyone famous.

I thought for a moment of who I'd like to hang out with for a while in eternity and I thought about my two great-grandmothers.

My Great Grandma Beulah, my dad's mom's mother, she died when I was eighteen and away at college. She was spunky, feisty, and full of surprises. Once I remember her putting on my brother's loafers and dancing with him in the living room. I've been told she came across the US in a covered wagon and also that she met my great-grandfather on a steamboat on the Mississippi River. She like him, but said that he would have to quit gambling and drinking if he wanted to marry her. I'd love the chance to talk with her for a while longer.

My Great Grandma Goller, my mom's mom's mom, she died when I was young - like elementary school young. I vaguely remember the mobile home she lived in nearby. She was married four or five times and at one point owned a boarding home. She was independent and self reliant. She was a Christian Scientist who healed herself if she got sick and was well into her eighties when she passed. I'd love to talk to her for a long afternoon as the shadows drag along the floor. I'd ask her about her religion, about her life, where she grew up and what life was like for her.

Both of these women were independent, self-reliant, spoke their own minds, and were both born in the late 1800's when women weren't "supposed" to be that way.

Good enough AD

I had a good AD...not a great AD, but a good AD.

I had thought I was going to one of my fav local coffee shops with big glass windows that overlooks a park (Dolores Park Cafe) but digressed and started with a pedicure.

I love, love, LOVE getting pedicures. I couldn't decide between blue and purple so my left toes are blue and my right toes are purple.

Then I hopped on muni and went down to Market Street. Went into a used bookstore I've passed many times but never entered before. (My artist seems to love bookstores, hm...)

Then, I hunger grabbed me and led me to a sushi place. Sushi, I love sushi! I love that after I eat raw fish I want ice cream to ease the fishy taste out of my mouth.

After I took muni back to my car, making sure I wasn't going to be late to relieve my babysitter, I asked my artist if I was a good date.

Ice cream! We forgot the ice cream, she insisted.

So a slight detour to get B&J's Chunky Monkey, and the date was good. My artist insisted she would go out with me again. *grin*

Week 2: Check In

I did my morning pages every day although on Thursday they were evening pages and Friday they were afternoon pages.

I did some of the exercises - I didn't read the basic principles every day and I didn't do the affirmations every day.

However, as the Rules of the Road on p55 - I did make one small and gentle goal: to write one page for my new book project. I handwrote about three, which I am going to go back and read even though I wrote them during my morning pages. I won't read any other bits of the morning pages. Okay, maybe I won't read the pages because my critic was sitting on my shoulder at the time criticizing every word.

I am going to make this my affirmation for the next week:
Universe, I will take care of the quantity if you take care of the quality.

I am leaving for my artist date at 2:30 when my babysitter shows up. This has been the hardest thing - justifying paying a babysitter for me to have an artist date - this alone is a breakthrough for me!!!

Issues...I already talked about the crazymakers. Somehow on my first pass through the AW I missed that whole part!

Off the subject...
I'm going to break an old do-it-myself pattern and ask for help. I am reasearching Native American tribes that lived in what's now the SF Bay Area. Does anyone have any info, contacts, or resources you would mind passing my way? I am specifically interested in finding someone who is a descendant of one of these numerous tribes (loosely grouped as the Ohlones) who would be willing to talk to me about these tribes. Thanks!

Work chaos and craziness

It was no coincidence that crazymakers were a big topic in this week's chapter of the AW. Work has been insanely crazy for the last couple weeks. A bit of background - I work three (official) days a week doing IT for 4 clients in and around the SF bay area. I see one client Monday and half of Thursday, and the rest of the clients in the pieces I have left.

I don't do this on my own - I work for a company that has seven people on staff doing this and a couple of the clients I share, but the part that I need to do seems to be especially crazy and the CEOs of two of my clients are Crazymakers with a capital C.

I was thinking about Crazymakers yesterday as I did my morning pages at 1PM...again they'd interrupted my Friday off...again I was stressed out from working late on a unresolvable issue the night before.

So I re-read the bit on Crazymakers and when I got to the bit where Julia writes that I am involved with them because I'm crazy too and it's a way to stay blocked, well, it got me.

Okay, fine, I'm still blocked, but what am I resisting. One or two seconds after I asked myself this question I realized that buying into the crazyness of work means I don't have to do MY project. It means that I have a grand and noble excuse in the world where workaholism is revered.

I used to be such a good workaholic, but now I am a resentful workaholic as I realize my number one issue is I don't know how to say no. I also volunteer to do things that aren't going to help me in the slightest because I know they need to be done, but doing them steals time from my days off...which means it steals Julie time and time with my daughter and husband.

Must be time for me to learn this lesson. It must be.

Perhaps what I need to do is work on that auto-yes response. Before I say yes, before I volunteer, maybe I need to take that second and breathe, check in, and see if I really can do it. See what the cost is if I say yes, if I volunteer.

Anyone have any ideas? Is anyone else a recovering "yes" to everyone except themselves?

The audio that got me to the AW

is this one...
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1564557251/qid=1137694260/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-5738374-6151008?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

The Writing Life
Julia Cameron and Natalie Goldberg

It's good, funny, entertaining, and they don't always agree with each other!

A gift to my artist/writer

Before I did the AW for the first time three years ago, I moved from using small journals, sometimes hard bound but always brightly colorful to large, blank 9x12 inch hard spiral bound sketch books.

There were a few reasons, the biggest being I was tired of fitting my handwriting exactly into the lines on the page. I wanted to write with fat crayola markers in bold colors (a pre AW gift to my artist who felt that there were not enough markers in her childhood) and they just didn't fit in the compact lines of the compact journals. They had to be hardbound, because I didn't want to search around for a hard book to put under the journal. They also had to be spiral bound so I could write on the whole page without having to break the binding.

I always got nervous as I neared the end of one book - did I have a spare? These could only be found at art supply stores and at $16 a piece they felt expensive when I felt poor. At the most I'd buy two at a time to help ease the transition.

Last week I gave my inner writer a gift. After half an hour of searching, I found this site: http://www.jerrysartarama.com/
And after half an hour of searching the brand names of the six types of 9x12 books I've used in the past five years turned up this one:
Cachet Flexicraft wirebound sketch book, 9x12, 75 sheets
http://www.jerrysartarama.com/art-supply/catalogs/0063097000000

It does the job, quite nicely, especially at $7.49 a piece instead of $16 and no sales tax!!!

I splurged and bought a CASE! A case will last me about a year...a case is a guarantee to my creator/writer that we aren't going to run out of space to write - there is no need to conserve words at all!

They arrived yesterday - a small box packed into a larger box with packing paper. I guess they wanted to be sure the books didn't break.

I swear I heard my inner writer tap dancing at the sight...



To my artist/writer/creator...this is better than winning the lottery.

Week 1: Check In

I made the decision to join the AW group on Wednesday, after a particularly difficult day at work where I was beat up by one client and Thursday I was beat up by another.

The morning pages became my way of coping, of not taking out the frustration and aggravation on my partner and my daughter. Well, at least not as much as I could have. I did my morning pages Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

The artist's date gave me some time just for me - precious invaluable time to not be a computer network engineer, to not be a mom, to just be Julie.

New creative monsters thundered in although I don't know who they are yet. I heard their voices when I was writing "I am a brilliant, talented, and prolific writer" over and over again. They had numerous nasty things to say:

I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
No you're not.
I am a brilliant talented and prolific writer.
You forgot a comma. How can you be a brilliant writer when you forgot a comma.
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
Your writing sucked compared to the rest of the writing group. (This refers to a writing group I joined last year.)
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
Your book sucked - it was unreadable and your art was pathetic and too simplistic and I don't know why you bothered.
I am too a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
You are wasting space (with this writing). Why do you keep these books (journals) anyway?
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
Just give up - there's no point.
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
You can't even write in a straight line.
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
And to that nasty voice or voices, you can F*** OFF!!!

These voices have been in my head for a while - especially when I was trying to do morning pages before I joined the AW group. I felt like I was wasting space in the $12 hardbound spiral sketch books I buy for my writing. I may not know who the voices represent yet - and I may not need to because at least their words are out in the open so I can tell them to F*** OFF!!!

In general, my hope is renewed. Everything is possible again and I am so eternally grateful.

Yesterday, my artist and I had a date

My mother-in-law had Ava yesterday and I had four lovely hours to do whatever I pleased.

I get stumped sometimes thinking that there is some "right" thing my artist should be doing. I read a post (which I will link to after I finish writing this!) where the AW member went to whole foods for her date. I love whole foods, even if all I do is wander the aisles and browse.

When I got in my car though, I had an inkling of what my artist wanted to do. She wanted to go to the two story big Barnes & Noble in San Mateo and browse. She wanted to be with all of those lovely books and walk the aisles and look at the titles. She wanted to do a teensy bit of research for the baby project (which is a book idea for those who want a clue, and not about babies :)

So as I exited to the B&N and saw the giant new Whole Foods at the exit. Of course I knew it was there and of COURSE I forgot! So I went there first, got a large Chai (instead of the small I usually get) and a yummy cinnamon roll pastry and browsed... I looked at the vitamins, I looked at the baby books, I looked at the juices and the bins of bulk foods. I browsed for about an hour looking at all the products and wondering just what people do with them. What do people use all these vitamins for?

Then...THEN I went to B&N.

I love this particular B&N. I fell in love when it was first built and we've had a long distance love affair since I moved from the Peninsula up to SF. Walking in felt like home. I know where to find everything. I know where the computer books are...I've spent a lot of time and money with those kinds books. I know where the alternative books are. I know all too well where the self help books are.

I gave myself a $20 book budget and if I don't include the colorful board book I bought for Ava, only exceeded the budget by $2.

I came home relaxed. I came home happy to come home and play with my wonderful little 21-month old girl.

Later I'll do my check in, but now T wants some attention :)

Thank you all for your encouragement and posts. My heart is warm with all of the love and support. The AW is exactly what I needed!!!!

Yes, I woke up this morning, and AW progress

Yes, I did it, through an act of Whomever Was On Duty rather than myself.

I woke at 5.. too early.
I woke at 6:30 when the alarm went off, but T was just too warm and snuggly.
I woke at 6:35 when my client (who has an east coast stock trading desk) called and hung up because he solved his own problem.

By the time I got up to check the phone, it had stopped ringing, but I took this as Divine Intervention from the Entity On Duty and got up and wrote those three blasted pages. I wrote about my almost forgotten dreams of my ex - where I was packing up so much clutter because I was leaving him.

This would be the same ex that I named as a creativity monster from the AW exercise as I remembered reading him a poem I wrote and he didn't like it because it was "sad." He didn't like sad, it would turn out, because he was afraid to go there. Afraid to dip his big toe in the waters of melancholy. So for the five years I was with the SOB (his last name ends in B, btw) I stopped writing. Why I started writing again is a whole different story that I'm not ready to tell yet.

I'm angry just thinking about it. I'm angry thinking that he stole my creativity, or worse, I threw it away because it was unacceptable to him.

I think my dream was telling me to clean out the clutter he's left in my head - it's time for him to go.

I am also trying to think of what I would do if I had three different lifetimes...but I'm a bit stuck.

p.s.
At the encouragement of Krista I will list one thing I would do in alternate lifetime #1
teacher

okay, two:
healer

okay, I'll do all three:
write, publish, and promote children's literature

thanks Krista...I needed the encouragement!

Coming home to the artist's way

Just today I joined a virtual Artist's Way group.

I snuck in under the first week as I just discovered the group when I went to www.loobylu.com and I'm not even sure why.

The irony, the serendipity of it all is that I'm listening to a tape on writing by Julia Cameron and Natalie Goldberg as I'm working on a first-trimester of a writing project. One of my dearest friends (who shall remain blogless, because she has no blog) told me when I shared the idea with her, said my baby project is like the first trimester of pregnancy...I should only share it with people whom I would tell if I miscarried.

After listening to this tape for the past few days, having Julia mention morning pages over and over and Natalie mention a writing practice over and over again, the idea stuck in my head.

So before I lept up and asked if I could join the AW group, I read the Intro and the first chapter. It felt so...familiar.

I've never given up writing morning pages. I didn't write them so much in the last few months because ... (good excuses to follow) ... I have a toddler, I have a part time job, I have a partner... but the reality is I don't put me first. I don't think of myself as important enough in the equation.

I put spending time with my wonderful little girl ahead of me, I put work ahead of me.

Then this fabulous baby of an idea (which I'm still not ready to share with the Internet!) arrived in my morning pages and it just won't go away. It needs love, it needs support. Frankly, it needs me.

Tomorrow my goal is to get up before I need to and write those three pages. Saturday my goal is to get my teenage baby sitter for a couple hours and take my artist on a date.

It's good to be home.