I {heart} these things

I {heart}...

...artichokes
...my own recipe risotto
...Ben & Jerry's chunky monkey ice cream
...going to yoga, even if I have to keep bringing my brain back when I'm in it
...being part of small teams that make big things happen
...being a Mom, but especially being a Mah-MEE
...the way Ava's face lights up when she sees me
...watching Ava carry my purple beaded bag slung over her upper arm, with her arm in "right turn" pose so it won't fall off
...moments when life feels utterly perfect
...moments of complete silence in my home
...playing in the dirt and planting spring bulbs
...my friends
...my partner, my boyfriend, my mate (I also {heart} that these are all the same guy)
...fuzzy pajamas with feet because they keep Ava warm when she kicks off the blankets
...my Franklin planner even though I have a Treo and Goodlink
...the satisfaction after I figure out how to do something technical
...possibility, that everything and anything is possible
...that moods shift, always
...Trader Joe's strawberry lemonade
...good clothes on sale
...Bic cheapo mechanical pencils with .7 mm lead
...big fat crayola markers
...Ava's laugh
...when love shines through T's smile

What do you {heart}?

Moving History

My first move happened when I was about four years old - I moved from one side of Salinas to another when my parents bought their first home.
My second move happened when I was twelve and a half and my parents sold that house and got divorced. My Mom, brother and I moved from Salinas to Lakewood Colorado.
Third: three months after moving to Lakewood, we moved about a mile away into my step-father's house.
Fourth: fifteen months later, I moved from Lakewood Colorado back to Salinas, and in with my friend Sheri and her family
Fifth: two years later I moved from Sheri's to my Dad's about half a mile away
Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth: two years later I moved to UC Davis for college, where I moved every year until I graduated
Tenth: I moved from Davis to Sacramento with my boyfriend Mike
Eleventh: One year later I moved into my own studio in downtown Sacramento
Twelveth: One year later I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment with my cousin Kelly
Thirteenth: One year later I moved in with my boyfriend Stuart to the Pocket area of Sac
Fourteenth: One year later Stuart and I moved near CSU Sacramento
Fifteenth: Two years later Stuart and I bought a house in Folsom
Sixteenth: Two years later I moved into my own place in the Natomas area of Sac
Seventeenth: Six months later I moved to Redwood Shores with my boyfriend Bill
Eighteenth: Two years later Bill and I bought a house in Redwood City
Nineteenth: Two years later I moved to my own flat in Noe Valley - San Francisco
Twentieth: Two years later I moved in with T in the Portola District of San Francisco

I am thirty six years old. I have moved twenty times. I have not lived in the same place for more than two years since I was twelve. This seems rather crazy at best and madly insane at worst.

I like moving. I like that during each move I have sorted through things that I've collected during the time I've been in one place and decide whether they are coming or going to a new home. It's cleansing, the whole process, of letting go of things that used to represent me but no longer do.

Now though, I want to stay where I am for a while. I want to complete projects like the backyard and the new room. I want to have all my mail arrive for a while without the yellow forwarding stickers from the post office.

T always talks of moving, of selling the house, buying another one somewhere different. I know his reasons, the neighborhood isn't the greatest, the people in the neighborhood are not the greatest.

But I like our house. There are things I would do and change, but it suits us. And I'm finally tired of moving.

Grass, Sprinklers, and Gratitude

I am taking a moment to myself. We have been busy this weekend, T, Ava, and I, getting our backyard ready for grass.

We have been buying things...steer manure, plastic pvc pipes to connect sprinklers, connectors for the pvc pipes, and sprinklers. T rented a big powerful rototiller and rototilled many times the same dirt. He rented more shovels to dig trenches, and then was heading back out. I asked "did you forget something?"

"Yes," he replied, "guys to dig the trenches." There is always a line of men lined up outside the Kelly Moore paint store on Ceasar Chavez so he enlisted a couple and they came and dig trenches. My friend Amy calles them "day laborers" but we called them Mexicans, because they were from Mexico. Either way, they got money, we got trenches, and we all went away happy.

The dirt is ready. It has been tilled, raked, tilled, and raked again. The sprinklers work, even automatically! We have removed all of the wild onions we could see, which was thousands. I asked the onions if they would please move on, they have lived in our backyard for long enough.

We went to go get sod, but no sod was to be found today. That's okay, we'll get it this week. Turns out T wanted to rake a bit more because of some low spots that he wanted to rearrange.

I wanted to go to a meditation/breathing class tonight, that I haven't been to since before I was pregnant. I used to go to every monthly class. I seem to be resisting it for some reason. It's hard to tear myself away from things, anything, everything, to carve out the delicate space for me. I did, however, book a weekend in Calistoga with my friend Tracey for November when we plan on running away from husbands and daughters. We're so good though, we only decided to go for two nights because the place where we're staying will only do two night reservations on the weekends. So we're leaving late Friday and coming home by lunchtime on Sunday. We have one full magical day at Calistoga Inn & Spa and part of two others.

Next weekend Ava and I take off for Colorado to see my Mom. For the past four years I've gone to Colorado in October. The timing wasn't intentional, it always seems to happen that I go out there in October.

But I am rambling and digressing as usual.

I forgot about grateful friday, so here's a teensy bit of Grateful Sunday.

I am grateful we are getting grass in the backyard!
I am grateful that anytime I feel stuck, it eventually goes away.
I am grateful to have such a wonderful daughter who amuses me for who she is.
I am grateful for all of my women friends - if you're reading this, you are one of them! You add warmth, depth, humor, and compassion to my life.
I am grateful for T, he's a hard worker, he's determined, and like me, continually strives for more.
I am grateful for my parents. They have each contributed to me in their own ways.
I am grateful for artichokes and especially the two I ate for dinner. They are one fabulous vegetable.
I am grateful that Ava is always with someone who loves her. My wish when I was pregnant was that she would always know she was loved.

But now, it's bathtime for my little girl. I've been hiding upstairs for half an hour now and it's time to join my family.

Grateful Friday

Today I am grateful for Ava's long nap as she recovers from being sick yesterday. I'm grateful that I caught up, for the moment, and played and won Spider Solitaire!

I'm grateful that in this moment, there is silence and peace in my home.

I'm grateful that I have enough money to pay my bills and save a bit.

I'm grateful for my beautiful, wonderful daughter.

I'm grateful for my partner, who really is the best partner for me.

I'm grateful for all the times I stayed put when I wanted to run away.

I'm grateful for my friends.

I'm grateful that Cost Plus carries McVitie's Milk Chocolate Caramel Digestive cookies (made in the UK). They are now my favorite cookie!

I am grateful for the moment to catch my breath.

Fridays! I'm grateful for my Fridays off.

I'm grateful I can go to yoga at 4:30 on Fridays if I choose.

Thanks Stef...for Grateful Friday.

Where am I in my brain?

If this isn't a self revelation, I don't know what is.

Last night I attended this event at Landmark Education. Yes, I went to Landmark for those gentle Internet readers that don't know. I was quite active until the birth of one particular small child that I have let usurp any shred of my life that is still mine.

But lately, I've been going through not just the little changes as usual, but whopping giant changes. I started reading this book two weeks ago, while daughter and dada were in Tennessee. This book was great, absolutely the sense that needed to be made of the chaos that is my head. This book was so great, that life worked well until my family came home and then chaos took over again.

Basically, the book is saying that all those thoughts in my head? They aren't me. I don't have to believe them, in fact, if I can just observe them, they may even start to be funny.

I went along, doing my things, for a while, actually chuckling to some of the crazy thoughts in my head, until my peeps came home and then those thoughts sucker punched me in the gut and sent me into a tailspin where I got waaaaaaayyyyy too sensitive and took everything like an attack and attacked back.

After a few days of arguing with T, we, but mostly he, suggested that I need something else in my life. He, amusingly as always said I should "go get laid." This always makes me laugh, because that is something a guy would tell another guy to do to get out of a funk.

But he is right, I am missing something that drives me, although I'm not going to find it between the legs of a different man.

Then a whole day passed where things worked out well, things lined up well, and that day was yesterday. I had a babysitter (Nana) and I could go to this Landmark event called Living A Created Life. Three hours. $45. My kind of commitment these days.

As it would turn out, the boiled down summary of the event was what I've been reading about in The Power of Now (book link above). The Landmark leader even had some cool brain science to back up the crazy notion that I am not my thoughts. Here is my over-simplified view of what was said, in my words, which may or may not be accurate.

There are a few parts to the brain.
There is the brain stem.
There is the midbrain.
There is the cortex.

The brain stem has a tiny bit to do with reactions - like if you touch a hot pan and you pull your hand away, really, only the nervous system and a bit of the brain stem have anything to do about it.

The midbrain is the same kind of brain an alligator has - it's our reptilian brain. It's that part of the brain that tells you to run or put up your fists because there is going to be a fight. Now the messed up part of this is that it also considers anything uncomfortable as a reason to fight or run. This is also a reflex action.

Then there is the cortex. It's most of the brain and there is a lot of it. The cortex is made up of neurons and there are thousands of billions of neurons in the brain and they are all connected to each other either directly or indirectly.

Basically, the job of the neurons is to remember stuff that happens. They gather together and remember things that happen and create patterns.

Then - this is the crazy part that makes sense - the brain uses these patterns to predict the future.

That's what the brain does. It uses the past to predict what it thinks will happen in the future.

So wait a second, I think to myself, you mean that my brain is thinking that since my last two marriages were over in 5 years a piece, that certainly this relationship will likely be over in five years also.

Brain, that is some fucked up thinking.

But the question that ties into The Power of Now is where am I in this mess? I'm not the neurons firing or not firing and using things that happened before as a means for figuring out what will happen. I'm certainly not the reptilian midbrain flying at the thought of danger or discomfort. I'm not the brain stem pulling my hand off a hot stove. Where am I?

I am the one, I am going to call the Witness who can observe the thoughts in my head as they pass by. Power of Now calls that Being. Landmark calls that Self. Call it whatever you like. The brain doesn't know what to do when I observe it, although now my brain is set to wreak havoc when I try.

This is where I am right now. I am discovering me in the present moment, because that is not where the cortex, midbrain, or brainstem focus. I am in the moments where there is no talking in my head.