And the answer is...

c) I ran into the front door, while (subconsciously) running away from my family.

I went to go put Ava's booster chair in my car after seeing there was already a high chair waiting for her, the strap caught on the table next to the door and I didn't notice the door caught on the carpet and I walked right into the edge.

A bump the size of a marble grew just beneath my eyebrow and eventually the swelling went down after icing it for two hours before Thanksgiving dinner.

I did not say, during dinner, that I was grateful for getting a black eye. Amused, perhaps, but I not grateful.

My eye is now at that yellowish-dark purple stage and looks like a case of 80s eye shadow gone awry. I also managed to bump my forehead on a shelf a couple days ago and T exclaimed, "That's it! They're putting me in jail for sure!"

I assured him I would tell the police I am not a battered partner, just a clumsy one.

Black eyed Julie

Over the weekend I got my first ever black eye...

Please cast your vote on how I got this black eye...

a) I got into a fight with another Mom while shopping for toys on Friday

b) I got hit by a football while playing touch football on Thursday before dinner

c) I ran into the door while trying to make a quick getaway from the family

d) Ava hit me accidentally while trying to grab my mobile phone

e) None of the above

Holiday Blues

I am feeling angry, moody, and resentful today.

I had to work yesterday, upgrading a Blackberry Enterprise Server at a client site that bit a four hour chunk out of a beautiful Sunday.

During this time T and Ava went with T's ex (who is now his friend, but I can't bring myself to just say his friend ...) Christine and her Dad to see some property the Dad bought way out in the Delta.

I didn't know about this until the ex called at 9AM and I was scheduled to work at 2 and thus, wasn't invited.

It wasn't like he was excluding me, it wasn't like he didn't want me to come. It wasn't about him doing anything except going somewhere all day with his ex and leaving me out because I had to work.

I believe our relationship is still suffering from his case of holiday duress, which he always suffers from every holiday season. Until I met him, I never had arguements about the holidays. Of course you went to see family, because that's what you do at Thanksgiving and Christmas, right? Of course you don't love and adore every single f*ing relative you have, but if you only see them once a year, so what? You can love them enough for the same bit of A-positive blood that runs through their veins and yours.

And yes, you decorate the house, because that's what you do. Because it's cool that once a year you have a big six foot real live pine tree in your house decorated with bright lights and trinkets and it smells divine.

That's just what people do, right? That's just what I've always done, every year, and if I complain about doing these things I really don't mean I don't want to participate. I love that for a small slice of time the normal rules of everyday living are suspended.

I want to love the holidays, I want to spend my holidays with T and Ava. We're a family, and the whole point of the holidays is to be with family, right?

I wish I had a point. I wish I had a solution. T seems to be fine now, but I'm the one irritated.

I wish, for two seconds, I could love the holidays for what they give me and not want to end my relationship between now and January 1st.

Three's Company

I've been blessed this week. Tonight I met up with my wonderful friends Becky and Stef and chit-chatted a couple hours away. Stef left first, to tuck her little one into bed and Beck and I didn't stay much longer, just long enough until we said everything.

There is something marvelously comforting to hanging out with friends who have known me long enough to understand me. To understand that I am mostly sane, that the only constant in my life is change, and even though they are a little like that they aren't exactly like me and get me just the same.

I was telling them that I shifted something in the cosmic fabric of my world this week. On Tuesday at Ava's play gym I was getting crabby. Usually it is because of all the other Moms in the place that are feeling crabby and I pick up on it. I am an emotional sponge - I absorb all of the emotions around me without even thinking about it. Most of the time I wish I did have to think about it because then I wouldn't pick them up in the first place!

But I had a minor epiphany on Tuesday. I thought that if I was so good at picking up everyone's bad stuff, why couldn't I pick up their good stuff for a change? Why did it have to be the negative stuff that followed me around like toilet paper stuck to my shoe?

The last few days, okay, since yesterday, I've been asking whomever is in charge to let me absorb the good stuff. Let me absorb the love and the joy. Wouldn't you know it, I end up in an elementary school today surrounded by little people who all looked at me with big wide eyes. I could feel the love, taste, touch, and smell the love. All day in fact, I felt love. I didn't see the angst for a change, I had extra energy for a change! I drove all over the bay area for work today, but wasn't beat up and tired.

I came home from meeting up with my friends and had energy so I cleaned up three days worth of dirty dishes in the sink.

That never happens! (Not the dirty dishes, but the desire to clean them at 9PM!)

Now my people are all alseep, the dishwasher is running, and I'm going to rest with a new book from my free book stack. Goodnight all, I'm sending you love.

Free stuff is good stuff

This morning I went to meet a coworker at a client site that I have only visited once before. I made the necessary introductions, marveling as I did the last time at all of the books everywhere. Both partners in this Venture Capital firm are on the boards of different book publishers (one HarperCollins and the other I don't remember) and they receive books, perhaps even every book that is published by these two publishing houses.

They had a couple boxes of books near the computer stuff, so being a bibliophile of the highest nature, had to ask. They're going to be donated, I was told. My client, who is the assistant to these two partners, saw the look on my face and said I was welcome to take what I wanted!

Free books!!!! Woo hoo!!!! Free BOOKS!!!!

She also pointed at the bookshelves and said I could take what I wanted from there as well.

I limited myself to five books and one audio book for T. Five beautiful, free, hardcover books. One even by an author I know and like. The others are unknown to me, but not for long!!!

On the verge of something miraculous

We have done a lot of cleaning, decluttering, and moving things around in our home over the last couple months.

Ava has a new Ikea decorated bedroom and has graduated from her crib to a toddler bed. The bed measures 63 inches long, which is good since mom is 61-1/2 inches long I can lay down next to her and ensure she falls asleep. She can get out of this bed on her own, but sometimes forgets and cries when she wakes. It's okay, I don't want my little girl growing up too fast.

We've also redone our living room and removed two large wood pieces (a stand alone bar and a desk) and mounted shelves on the walls with hidden mounting brackets. We replaced a few uncomfortable metal/vinyl chairs with a comfy small red leather sofa. It feels like the room opened up and said "aaaaaahhhhhh...." The room used to be just a transition between front door and kitchen, but now it says "come in, sit down, read, relax, or just chat." T and I are both enjoying the change.

So we did these big things and then I stared at the house as if it was going to cough up the answers to all of my life questions right that very second. Patience, I have as much patience as Ava these days.

But now, a couple weeks later, the changes are happening. When I saw my fab alternative doctor last week she said the dandruff that has plagued me since Ava's birth was a block to my creative flow and when it bothers me to ask that the block be removed.

The next morning after this visit, I absentmindedly scratched at that dry patch on the left side of my scalp, then remembered and asked "whomever was on duty" as my Mom says, to please remove the block. The immediate response was "write." SOaB!

So I've started writing again, three-ish pages a day of free flowing whatever comes to mind but don't force it writing. I've also been reading - marvelous fantasy books by a young author - and my creativity is flowing again. I'm bursting with a crafty idea for Christmas presents and something else I'm not ready to share yet.

All of this was helped by going away last weekend with my dear friend Tracey. Two moms escaping to Calistoga for less than 48 hours. We slept, got spa treatments (including my first ever mud bath!), and went to bed super early.

Life...it just keeps getting better.