Guilt

The one AW essay I searched for, in hopes that it existed but I previously only gave a cursory review, was one on GUILT.

I found two entries in the index but it was barely mentioned, skimmed over, and in my world, neglected.

For now, I'm going to pretend I am Julia Cameron writing the AW and here is what I would say about it.

GUILT
As a newly recovering creative, you may be attacked by furious, unforgiving bouts of guilt. You may feel like there is no possible way you can do something for yourself, for your artist, because you feel intensely guilty that you are putting too much responsibility onto others to take care of things in your absence.

Those things could be children, pets, cleaning, laundry, or cooking. Be careful here, and make sure the guilt is founded. Guilt is a good way to get out of taking care of ourselves, but it can backfire. I remember one woman (let's call her Julie, because it's me, and my name is Julie) who just last week, nearing the end of the AW where she was taking on the world: pursuing her dream of becoming a yoga instructor and spending more time away from home, leaving her toddler daughter in the capable care of her husband, suffered immensely from guilt and ended up making herself sick.

Evidently guilt can depress the immune system to give Julie a cold. It was only when, in a yoga training, that the subject of guilt came up about correcting student poses, when the source of her illness became apparent.

A voice inside her (my) head said: you know how to heal yourself, just give up the guilt!

So she did. She worked a half day on Monday and did more yoga in one day than ever before. The next day she was better.

(It's strange writing about myself in third person, mind if I switch back now?)

I felt so much guilt that I was putting too much on T that I made myself sick.

I don't have a nice tidy ending to this essay on guilt, but for me it was interesting that this issue appeared at the end of the AW!

AW Check-In Week 11

1. MPs
7/7. I am playing with the idea of yoga practice in the morning also and feeling a little crunched for time with 20 minutes for MP and 30 minutes for yoga. Yesterday I did yoga first then MPs, today I did MP first then five minutes of yoga. I don't remember if I've recommended MP's to anyone lately, but I have recommended the AW.

2. AD
I did a couple mini AD's yesterday: a trip alone to Rainbow Foods co-op grocery, a walk through the Castro before my yoga class. Today though, I was wanting an hour to myself before yoga class but then Ava had a complete breakdown. So I didn't take an hour to myself, but instead Ava and I went outside and played in the dirt. I picked weeds and felt so connected to the earth. Ava slid around and got the butt of her new jeans filthy and her good shoes muddy and really, it just didn't matter because mud makes mom and daughter happy! Mud makes my inner artist happy. Delighted, as a matter of fact.

3. Synchronicity
All was rather quiet on the synchronicity front. Things seem to be just ticking along.

4. Issues
The big meltdown about feeling like I'm not doing enough, I'd call that a major issue. Learning to lean heavily on T for support and for taking care of Ava, I'd call that a major issue. Remembering that things are more fun when done with others. Remembering I am not an island of parenthood, I am part of a TEAM.

Mostly it's just strange that there is only a week left. I've made progress in so much - I mean really, I never imagined that I would be in training to be a yoga instructor as a result of the AW! Speaking of yoga, probably the most remarkable thing that happened this week in yoga was that I was able to lift my legs in the beginning of tripod handstand. I've never, never, never been able to do that before! My regular headstand was so much stronger, sturdier, I can feel my core strengthening and my power as well.

I am looking forward to the break in reading since I have books to read for my book research plus a dozen books to read for yoga training.

Here's the list I made for Task #6: nurture in the next six months
trip to hawaii
complete yoga teacher training
go to Esalen with a girlfriend
go visit my dear friend in San Diego for the weekend
plant a vegetable garden this spring

One week's worth of nurturing, things I would do:
massage
yoga
pedicure
buy fresh flowers - daffodils, tulips
take a walk in nature
make something hearty and warm, like my italian sausage tortelini soup
play with paint and get my hands messy
take a nap as needed!

This posting is a bit disjointed, but I am not in an editing mood...

Tired in the middle

Today I am just tired. I've been sleeping about 9 hours a night for the last week but I am still tired.

I'm planning to get to a yoga class after work today, and I am so not inspired to get there. I'm not inspired to do much at all. I have things to do for five clients today and I don't know how all the urgent ones are going to get accomplished. I don't know how anything is going to get accomplished.

I don't feel like I've "done" anything for the AW lately. I wake up early enough to do my MP's although they're boring and trite. I read the chapter. I haven't done any exercises and I haven't planned an AD for this week. My whole week seems to be usurped by yoga and work. I told T this morning I don't see the point of yoga training. It just takes too much time, too much effort, too much showing up.

I know, I know, this too shall pass, as my Grandma would say. It just sucks being in the middle sometimes.

Addendum:
I took my own advice and called my friend Becky, whom I told a while back to call me at any hour, any time, just to unload as needed.

I discovered, uncovered, my angst is about not doing enough for T. I am putting "too much" on him by taking yoga classes all weekend that mean he's responsible for watching Ava while I'm in class. It's my job to watch her on weekends and now I'm putting it all on him. That means I'm not doing my job well...right? WRONG!

When I talked to T, as Becky urged and predicted, he did not share my angst. His words, precisely, "I have it all worked out!" He was quite proud of himself, as he should be!

He doesn't want me to quit yoga...his benefit is watching my body take shape!

Ahhhh...the delights and downfalls of being human.

AW Check-In Week 10

OMG, is it really the check in for week 10 already? I'm going to miss the AW when we're finished!

The Check In first, and then a bit about my week...

1. I did my MP's every day but yesterday. Ava and I were staying with my Dad and Step-Mom and I didn't feel like taking time away from everyone to write them, plus I let myself sleep until 7AM when Ava woke. In my world, 7AM really is sleeping in.

I started to read them last week, but stopped because reading the book ideas was interfering with my current writing. It's been hard to juggle writing MP's and then 1/2 hour of yoga before starting my workday or Mommy day but I did both Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Woo hoo! This is a minor miracle in my world that I would get up and do BOTH before doing other things.

2. Artist Date
I have stopped trying to "schedule" artist dates as things I do by myself and instead I do them with my little artist in residence. Having a toddler who will be two years old in a couple weeks is a fount of artistic inspiration. We painted this week, we played with my previously unused water soluble crayons and pastels. I actually allowed myself to just play, not have to make it look good or presentable.

I also did the AD I've been wanting to do since the beginning...with Ava. We went to visit the Mission in Carmel. It's about 1/2 hour from my parents' house so Ava and I stayed Friday night and left early to go to the mission. This field trip, literally mirroring a field trip I did in third grade, is intimately intertwined with the book I'm writing. Going there felt good, wandering around, taking my time as Ava would allow.

But for the grand synchronicity...

3. Synchronicity
When Ava and I finished the walking tour of the mission, we stopped at the bookshelves. I asked the woman selling entrance tickets which book she recommended about Fray Junipero Serra. She pointed out one that she said was good, and another that might be "too much information."

Perhaps not, I responded, and told her about the book. (I did write about it here originally, but it feels a bit too exposed here ... sorry!)

The woman was not only interested, but excited! "Really! That book is needed! If we had that book it would fly off the bookshelves!"

She, of course, is the person responsible for buying books to sell in the Mission bookstore. I got her name, email, phone, and left her mine.

I'm excited, scared, and a teensy bit blocked because it is so darn possible!

4. Issues...
This week I slowed down...way down. I didn't go to four high intensity yoga classes and instead started my week with a rebirthing yoga class and did one restorative yoga class. I also assisted/participated in a prenatal class with my favorite instructor of all times (she was my prenatal and postnatal yoga instructor). I did yoga at home five days. I ran into people I hadn't seen in years. I found parking by waiting rather than searching. I had the weekend off from yoga training and took this as a gift to slow down and be with my daughter. I felt like she was suffering, and perhaps I was from not being present with her. We played, we had fun, fun!

I want to find the balance between yoga classes and home practice that gives me a feeling of enough time. I believe it's possible. As Jane, the prenatal instructor said at the close of the class, "so much of our lives are about doing, doing, doing" - she's right. Now it's about listening, being, responding - at least for me.

Inspired by Sitting Still Blog

I was visiting Sitting Still and ran across this post about wishing. Here are my responses...

I wish I could paint my room pale olive green.
I wish I could be really good at racquetball.
I wish I could have a lizard or turtle for a pet.
If I had a new name, I wish it could be Suzanne.
On summer vacation, I wish I could go to Italy and France.
I wish I could eat sushi for lunch everyday.

I'm not tagging anyone to respond :) I found it fun, if you do too, then fill in the blanks!

Since it's my week to share a quote of inspiration...

I choose to share one of my favorites:

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

Teddy Roosevelt, Paris Sorbonne,1910

This quote always, always speaks to me. Now I use it to tame my inner critic as well.

AW Check-in week 9 and ramblings

I had a dream last night that there were three chapters left and I was going to do them all in one week and be done. I'm a bit overwhelmed between yoga and the AW and working and my family. Somehow I am juggling, vaguely balancing them all. I was feeling really guilty about not spending as much time with Ava as before yoga. Her behaviour has shifted gradually to that of an almost-two-year-old. Terrible twos? Yeah, I had hoped we would be immune, but I can feel them approaching.

She's into everything. EVERYTHING! No cupboard, cabinet, space under the beds is untouched. She used to stop doing things when I said no, and I didn't have to say it much, but now she listens maybe 1/3 of the time and stops. She says no now too, where before she just shook her head. Maybe all this should be on her blog instead - LOL.

I was feeling like a bad mom, that I was doing something wrong because she is more out of control these days. Talking to T set that straight, it's just how she is. He got her an awesome new tricycle - the kind with the big silver bar out the back for the parent to push. This is a dream come true - it is great exercise for her as she has to sit up straight and hold onto the handle bars even if she can't reach the pedals yet. T said he's found the best way to manage the "out of control Ava" is to put her on the bike and take her for a ride.

Can I just write, and I suppose I will, that I am so grateful for him! So grateful to have a partner in the parenting process. I once arrogantly thought I could be a single mom, that I just wanted a baby and I could do it on my own. Yikes! I have all kinds of help and it's still tiring! It's so wonderful to just have another opinion, another whole person who has energy levels different to mine.

Tasks, I like to talk about tasks even though they aren't in the check in list. I read some of my morning pages and then stopped because I had a dozen different ideas for the book I'm writing and they were distracting! Plus I didn't have a lot of time and it seemed pointless to do them now.

I didn't do any other tasks, although my head took a couple creative u-turns this week. I wanted to quit yoga training, it's too much time, too much sacrifice, too much... but I didn't. I didn't quit, even when I had a teacher at a class I didn't like who passive-aggressively guilted me about being in her level 2-3 class when I was clearly a level 1 (for that kind of yoga, I am going to assume). ARGH! Creative monsters are in yoga too. She pummeled me with 20 questions about the teacher training and why would I do it, it's not enough time to learn to teach yoga, blah blah blah, make me feel bad about doing training, blah blah blah.

Although I will point out that I was one of six students in her class. Six. Classes I take with teachers I love like Karl or Christopher are always full to the brim with forty or fifty students in a class. And Karl, who I've known for years, has generously offered to have me assist in his classes after the training is over instead of now when I am frantically juggling child care for Ava.

I'll do task #2 now, or at least part of it:

I am a YOGA INSTRUCTOR!
I am leading classes for kids at the martial arts studio during the week. I lead classes for toddlers, preschoolers, and elementary school kids. I also lead classes for prenatal women. My style is ecclectic but based on the fundamental, requisite qualities of yoga. Show up, push your limits, breathe. My style is fun, engaging, motivating, and compassionate.

I will make my task this week to take pictures of myself doing yoga poses so I can correct and modify them.

Task #3
Creative goals for the year:
complete first draft of my book
finish yoga teacher training
teach two regular kids yoga classes

For the month:
get through this month of teacher training!
complete AW
write a 2-3 days a week on my book

For the week:
practice yoga 6 hours a week, half in classes, half at home
read websites about yoga for kids
write 2-3 days on my book

Anyway, about that AW Check In

1. I did my mp's 7/7 days, and actually in the morning. I haven't shifted towards compassion about u-turns, but I will take that on starting today.

2. Artist Date
I am tired of doing solo artist dates, so what I considered my artist dates this week were:
Going to dinner with my succulent friends, Becky and Stef. As we were driving back to Becky's house from dinner, I said to them, you're my favorite kind of friends: low maintenance! We haven't all been together since November, but there is an ease, a comfort in being together that is just...marevelous. They inspire, delight, and accept me for who I am. Thank you!!!

I also went for a walk around the block with Ava, who reminded me that everything is fun to play with, especially when she held out her hand to touch a passing shrub.

If AD's are about getting inspired, I'm going to seek out people rather than solo events. I spend enough time alone, I want to play with others!

3. Synchronicity...
We just found out this morning that Ava was accepted into a co-op, parent run daycare that we adore. They also said they would love for me to teach yoga to the kids in the daycare! They may be my first yoga class for kids!!!

4. Issues...this week was an emotional roller coaster. I was angry and viscious during parts, moody and weepy during others. I know it's yoga doing it's magic, but it's also the AW.

Now, onward to Week 10. How is everyone else doing???? Send me links to your check-ins I'd love to read them!

Before I started yoga training, I thought deltoids were..

a figment of my imagination.

Now I know they exist, because they ache. But then so do my trapezious and all four of my quadraceps.

We have to study in this crazy book called the Anatomy Coloring Book. Yes, I really get to put my big box of crayola markers to work and I figure the best way to learn all these muscles it to look up the ones that ache after yoga classes.

Like yesterday...when we studied sun salutations for three hours. It wasn't so much that we did a lot of sun salutations, but more that we did them well, hovering over the ground in a pose that vaguely resembles the end of a push-up (chaturanga dandasana). We did big cobras, baby cobras, and a whole flock of upward dogs (urdhva mukha svanasana). Those, I am certain, have made me well aware of the muscles at the top of my arms that I had to look them up in the book and name them. Deltoids. I have deltoids.

I have muscles beneath my boobs...who would have known? They're called pectoralis majors and they talk to me a lot these days too.

My hips though, can I talk about my hips? I didn't realize how tight they were and I think it's the piriformus muscle that is making itself known. Then again, I've done so many pigeon poses this week that I feel like scavenging for crumbs on the sidewalk.

I'm getting used to this muscle soreness. It's strange though, because I've never been an athlete so this is new. In the past when muscles made their presence known I would take a break, now it's becoming familiar. I know my body is strengthening and the aches are like growing pains.

T says he can see the difference of a week and a half of daily yoga on my body. I feel stronger, more stable, more rooted firmly into the earth.

I also feel like I'm learning two new foreign languages: the language of bones and muscles and Sanskrit, the language of all of these yoga poses.

It's all brand new and yet familiar and it's all good.

AW Week 8 Check In and a few Tasks

First, Tasks...

I did do the first giant whopping task and wrote out my newly discovered dream of bringing yoga to people rather than having them come to yoga. I think this scared the pants off of me and I've been running around in my underwear ever since. Okay, it scares me because it's so possible, so vivid, so real. I can see myself teaching yoga to kids in the cafeteria/auditorium in schools holding strong in Warrior 1 and 2, I can see myself teaching to sports teams and having high school football players stretching up into upward dog. I can feel the balance this will bring to their everyday lives.

The task about the new childhood irked me. I had the childhood I had and I do get that I'm supposed to dream up a new dream, but the fact that I can make up new dreams at any moment and take steps in their realization, that means my childhood was good enough. What would perfect look like anyway? I would rather start from where I am today.

About those colors. Here goes.

I am bold, brilliant captivating yellow. I am warm, sunny, and bring light into the darkest of moments and days. (This is now my living room color!)

I am a pale gray-blue. I am cool, refreshing, like water from the hose on a hot summer day.

I am lavender. The scent and color of healing and higher inspiration.

I am a rich olive green. I am growth, I reach beyond my current limits soaring like the redwood trees into new daring heights.

Twenty things I like to do:
play with Ava, color and paint on her easel
dance in the middle of the living room
stretch
yoga
take pictures of kids being kids
hang out with good friends
laugh and dream with T
motivate and encourage others
snow ski, and I want to try snowboarding
play with play-doh and smell the nostalgia on my hands
let the story write through me
read blogs
read books - all kinds of books
be alone in my house
giving Ava baths
being with kids
sex in the afternoon
(that's enough for now)

ideal day
wake up early, before T and Ava
write three pages
a few sun salutations and a couple poses that feel right for the morning
eat breakfast with my family
take Ava to the co-op daycare she loves
teach first yoga class - this one to seniors
lunch somewhere with a friend
teach second yoga class - this one to kids at an elementary school
write for a couple hours on latest book idea
pick up Ava from daycare
make dinner

And now, for that AW Check In
I did my pages 7/7 days. Today though I did them at noon instead of first thing, and I'm okay with that. I halfway thought about not doing them today but did anyway and of course I'm glad. I just don't function if I don't write those three pages!

Artist Date...I admit, I didn't do an artist date. I went to four yoga classes this week in addition to the three training classes and really, what time I had left I wanted to be with Ava and T, not by myself! I did take Ava on a walk around the block yesterday that felt artist date-ish. And as the song goes, C is for cookie, that's good enough for me!

Synchronicity....my friend Bill who is an extremely talented photographer was in town this weekend and agreed to do headshots for me. The teachers of the yogadoodles program for preschool kids emailed me back and they're over near Oakland. Their mission is part of what I want to do - teach yoga to preschoolers! Lots of things that somehow lined up my schedule so I could meet my requirement to do 6 hours of regular yoga practice this week.

Issues...not really. I just feel like I am loving my life again since starting this yoga program and that all things are possible.