Buffalo

Cancelled my date - went better than I expected, and felt much better about the whole day. I was searching, seriously, for a way to cancel that would leave us both feeling empowered. I think I got there, but the problem about leaving him empowered, is that it almost sounds like I wanted to see him again, which I didn't. A juxtaposition of sorts.

Went on an emotionally and physically cathartic bike ride today in GGate park with Joan, and once again enjoyed seeing the buffalo, but once again wished they had just a bit more habitat than their fenced in place.

And went to see Kissing Jessica Stein - recommend it. Quotes:

"What do you do to be happy?"
"Nothing - I'm not."

"Would you shut up - I'm intoning."

"Sexy-ugly."

Meeting in the oak tree

I've been up to a few strange things. Being Real - the future company of Becky & Julie had a meeting today in a big oak tree. I highly recommend meetings in big oak trees on sunny northern California days. I felt like I was 10, leaning back on a thick tree limb, dreaming away.

I started back into tech work last night at 8:30PM and was consequently stumped to solve a problem. I called someone. Left a message. Went to dinner. Then came back and fixed it. Perhaps I am a techie afterall.

I also went on a date last Sunday before my rebirthing class. Interesting enough, but I didn't get a good clear feeling that it was going to go past a second date. Today, after being talked at, and not being listened to, I'm going to cancel the second date. Dating is a funny thing. I'm going about it with the approach Tom Hanks mentions in "Sleepless In Seattle," which is: "In dating you just try people on to see if they fit."

Strangeness

What a completely strange day. I'm not doing tech work currently, although that may start up soon. So I noticed I had nothing on my agenda for today and chose to submit my "book resume" to two publishers. I actually picked them out and drove up to them.

It's hard for me to believe that my book is complete. I say that, then shrug it off, saying that there is still editing to do. But really, it is just odd to me when I complete a goal I set for myself and I get to the completion part. I don't ever doubt that I'll get to this part, but it still feels so strange. I struggle to relax and enjoy the completion part, my thoughts quickly move onto "what's next?" I'm afraid of my book being out there for everyone to read. But I am as ready as I'll ever be.

Pajamas at 4PM

Today, I did my taxes. At 4PM I looked up, realized I was still in pajamas, and realized it was 4PM. This is why Sundays were a great invention. Pajamas at 4PM.

Being fed without making food

Five blogless days. Feels like forever or a moment ago.

I've spent the last five days in fabulous Mesquite, NV being nursed back to health by my Momisan. Also in attendance were my step-dad (Bill), and grandparents. It was absolute bliss to not make a single meal decision once in five days and yet meals arrived at regular intervals three times a day.

They live (part-time) in a house that's on a golf course. There's a golf-pond right in front of the house which is home for two white swans and one black swan. Poor black swan swimming all alone because his mate was killed by a golf ball. I felt bad for him, wandering around the pond sometimes following the ducks, sometimes following the white swans, sometimes just swimming all by himself. He's cute though, and quite friendly. The male white swan tried to bite me one day as I was fetching a feather from the side of the pond. His name is, appropriately, Meanie.

One day we went out to the driving range and I remembered I don't know how to make the balls go very far with a golf club. My Grandma was supervising me and suggested to aim for the grass right in front of the ball instead of the ball. That worked for two strokes and then I started thinking about it too much. Putting green was fun though as long as I didn't get too serious about it. Went out to a shooting range and watched my Mom, Bill, and Grandpa kill many innocent orange skeets. Bang! Bang! They wanted my Grandma and I to keep score but we had no idea what we were doing so we made them keep their own scores.

I also learned (for the thousandth time) to play cribbage. I beat my Grandpa twice out of three games, and he didn't believe me when I said I play just to play, not to win. He wondered then why I didn't let him win?

All in all, I spent the week being totally amused by my family. I really feel like I am the luckiest human on the planet. It was so nice to slow down. And now, I'm grateful to be back home with the sushicats and I'm going to try to remember to keep slowing down so I don't get sick again.

Dave did an awesome job watching my sushicats, they didn't seem too excited when I walked in the door. Thanks Dave!

p.s. Also saw many Grackles (a black bird smaller than a crow, larger than a blackbird, with a wedge shaped tail) - Grackle means overcoming excess and emotional life congestion. My book asks if I've been congested lately (uh-oh) if I've been holding in my emotions. Well, perhaps...
p.p.s. Swan means awakening the true beauty and power of the self.
Well, now I definitely have enough to meditate on.

Quotes

Still sick, feeling about at 65% of normal energy levels.

Latest Schnookerbuttism:
"I for one do not want to be able to lick my own butt."

Blast from the past Schnookerbuttism:
"I can't be a word I don't know the definition of."

Oliver update: I left him sliced apple, which was gone in the morning.
And cookie booth sales today: 93 boxes. A much kinder, gentler figure than last week.

Movie quotes from yesterday:
Sleepless in Seattle
"You don't want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie."

Michael
"Remember what John and Paul said"
"The apostles?"
"No, the Beatles.
'All they need is love...'"

Oliver the Racoon

Oliver the Raccoon is back tonight at my second floor dining room window. It is still a mystery to me where he (she) comes from because there is really nothing there. But he's here again. In my Animal Totem book it says Raccoon means dexterity and disguise - the master of wearing masks. And that masks are used for transformation - wearing a mask, the wearer can become something she is not, or isn't yet. They help us to change from what we are into what we want to be. That seems to be quite appropriate for me.

The book (which is called Animal-Speak: The spiritual and magical powers of creatures great and small) also says they eat anything - anything, except the carrots I left him once, which eventually rotted and got washed away with the rain. That was months ago and I haven't fed him since. There used to be a little family of them - a big mommy raccoon and four adorable kitten-sized babies that would scamper on the bit of roof there between me and the house next door. Now there is just Oliver and he comes back to visit periodically - to look at me inside the glass while he's on the outside. Always freaks my cats out and they start to growl when he comes too close to the window.

I am thinking that I'll start leaving food for him. Wonder if he'll like cat food better than carrots?

I was also feeling rather grumpy today about the things in my life that aren't the way I had in mind. I really wanted to know how to become detached from my wants & desires. Somehow the Buddhists know about detachment, but it isn't clear to me yet. Then I read in a book called Letting Go about using gratitude as a means to let go. Giving thanks for everything I have - even what I say I don't want. So I started writing and I had about two pages of things I was grateful for. And now, I'm grateful that I had two pages of stuff to be grateful about!

Specifically, I'm grateful that there is an abundance of so much in my life. I made a list a few weeks ago, as I was finishing up one contract project, of what I wanted in my next project. And then, as if by magic, a friend and previous co-worker called me and said "Julie, we need someone here who does what you do (with routers and servers and such)...etc." and basically described exactly what was on my list. The miracles never cease, and I'm grateful.

And I'm on the good side of feeling sick, although I can't go too fast yet, it looks like I'll be in good shape for more Girl Scout cookie sales on Sunday.

what day is it? oh, yeah, another day to be sick at home and watching movies.

movies 3/5:
The Princess Bride
"stop rhyming - I mean it"
"anyone want a peanut?"
- and -
"inconceivable!"
"you keep using that word - I do not think it means what you think it means"
- and -
"but you don't know where he is"
"don't trifle me with details"
- and my favorite: -
"it happens here that your friend is only *mostly* dead"

and later I watched Wallace And Grommit - A Close Shave
"sheep - get yourselves organized!"

on Wednesday I moved onto Meg Ryan and watched When Harry Met Sally
"It's amazing. You look like a normal person but really you're the angel of death."
- and -
"Her legs looked heavy. She must be retaining water. Really, the woman saved everything."

And then I escaped out of the cold-bug-infested confines of my place and went to see Lily Tomlin with Brandon. Was nice to be in the presence of a human although I am beginning to understand my cats.

Today I've only watched Mulan, and thank heaven I'm starting to feel better because I'm getting restless. Heaven forbid I may actually do my taxes early.

Yesterday:
movies watched:
Sleeping Beauty
While You Were Sleeping
5 episodes of Powerpuff Girls on video

Also made self batch of chicken soup from leftovers in freezer and fridge and finished off one box of tissues.

my body is telling me that it's time to rest. of course it kept me up until 3am, my throat aching and my body exhausted, but still unable to sleep. then magi started mr-ow-ing at whatever was outside the window around 9am.

so now i'm up, throat is still achy, body achy and sleep deprived, and it's a beautiful day and i think i'm going to watch it from inside my living room window.

movies on my list to watch today:
pay it forward (again)
breakfast club (for 100th time)
almost famous (haven't seen it yet)

in a nutshell, i'm feeling rather lowercase today.

qotd: serenading tofu

Tonight I went to a Joe Vs. the Volcano party. One of my dearest friends says that the answers to all of life's questions are in this movie. After seeing it, I agree. These are the lines that stuck out to me:

"You have some life left, my advice to you: live it well." - the doctor who tells Joe he has a brain cloud.

"There are certain times in your life when you are not supposed to have anyone." Joe says as he leaves the angel disgused as the limo driver.

"I'm soulsick and you're going to see that." Patricia says to Joe their first night on the boat.

"We'll jump and we'll see - that's life." Patricia says to Joe before they jump in the volcano.

Somehow I feel that I need to have something poignant and moving to start off in the blog world. My brownie troop sold 244 boxes of cookies today. This seems rather crazy to me and it required a nap. So for the moment I have nothing poignant to say except I used to say "po-ig-nant" and not "poyn-yent" which I thought was how you said that wonderful word.