Toddler sized yoga failure

Today I taught my second ever toddler yoga class.

And I bombed.

I had thought having nursery music coordinated to specific poses would work. It didn't. It was a noisy loud distraction where last week singing went better. I thought a lot of running around things first would help; it didn't. It meant that the eight toddlers wanted to run around the whole class, except Ava who wanted to cling to my leg.

We ended after half an hour and I felt like a complete failure. A failure like I haven't felt in ages, but perhaps that is because I've been running on auto-pilot for a while now and not taking risks. Jumping halfway instead of to infinity and beyond.

I'm pacifying my feelings of failure with a glass of wine. And the three cookies I ate out of the bag in the car on the way home from the grocery store.

T showed up shortly after I got home and after hearing my deflated story told me the two dozen ways that I did not fail, and even if I felt like I did, I showed up. I tried to teach eight toddlers something about yoga. He said it was okay if my idea of bingeing was three cookies and one glass of wine (consequently followed by broccoli and TJ's organic mac and cheese shells).

But I wish I could have failed in private, I whined, not in front of two parents in our co-op.

Ah-ha! He laughed, that's the issue! Failure is okay as long as nobody else knows then?

Busted. I guess that isn't the point of failure, is it? Instead of wrapping the story of failure around me like an itchy blanket, I have to laugh at myself. I'm not ready to laugh, just yet. Maybe in ten more minutes.

Long time no blog, expect rambling

Did I really last post on June 1st? Could it really be possible that with all of the thoughts having a marching parade in my head none of them have made it to this blog?

I guess so.

In truth, I was sick for about two weeks, and only yesterday did I feel mostly normal. Strep throat made a home in my body and after a week of suffering I finally drug my spaced-out and exhausted body to the UCSF acute care clinic, waited (im)patiently for a couple hours, helped another mom entertain her two year old boy with a sample jar of playdoh I keep in my bag for that reason, and when I finally saw the nurse practitioner found out I had a temperature of 101 degrees. I thought I felt warm, but heck, what did I know?

Strep throat, she declared, she was quite sure, and gave me an Rx for penicillin. I asked if I should work at Ava's pre-pre-school that day.

"No." Very clear, no hint of doubt. So I scrambled to find coverage and thanks to a good friend and another parent got my time slot covered and went back to laying on the couch when I wanted a change of scenery from my bedroom. Plus I could order an on-demand movie on the couch.

I really thought I would never get better. In the middle of being madly ill it's like that for me - I can't see the light. It was strange enough that after 7 days of being sick I did not feel at all better than day 1. I had a shift in symptoms over the days, but no progress towards wellness.

Penicillin, that's good stuff. I almost never take any kind of pill except a vitamin now and then, so when I do, it works! I was happy about that when I delivered my baby (natural childbirth may be a good thing for others, but I transformed from exhausted viscious pre-mom to ebullient when the epidural hit my system) and I was happy last weekend when two days into penicillin I started feeling better.

Yesterday, though, I actually had energy! Not normal Julie-levels, but enough to put me in a good mood.

I always try and figure out why I get some sickness or another. Colds usually mean I have been going too fast and need to slow down. Take a break. Stay in my pajamas for a day and read books or magazine articles. I didn't know what strep throat was trying to tell me. I thought maybe it had to do with creativity since the throat is the chakra to do with creativity and communication. I tried to be creative by reading SARK's book on making creative dreams real, but I felt more exhausted. I couldn't think of one dream that sounded like a mildly good idea. I could barely get excited for my first kid's yoga class that I taught last Tuesday.

In truth, my brain has been really busy lately. Of course I haven't been meditating. Of course I was trying to do too much busy yoga. Of course I was thinking that I had to do everything within the same milisecond.

The week that I was really sick and stayed home from work, I did my best to practice yoga. When I couldn't sleep because I couldn't breathe out of my nose I would practice savasana upright on pillows. I practiced poses from Light on Yoga's section on helping relieve colds and coughs, which included sirsasana (head stand).

I've been so panicked about doing enough yoga it's amazing I have been able to do any at all. This week I gave myself a break and as it turned out I did plenty to meet my quota. Between practicing the series I taught to toddlers, starting the practice outlined in Yoga The Iyengar Way, and going to exactly one class this week (Restorative, which was wonderful!), I remembered why the 12-step folks have that great adage:

Easy does it.

This took me a long time to comprehend, but when I did, Easy became my friend. Like Buffalo taking the path of least resistance, Easy says, it's okay, you're doing enough, faster and harder aren't better they're just more tiring.

I thought at the end of the Restorative class, what if I made up a class called Easy Yoga. (The domain is already taken, I checked.) It wouldn't be high impact, fast paced yoga, it would be, well, easy. It would be enough, and because of that, would likely do great things.

I haven't figured out if I want to teach adults. I've been assisting in pre-natal classes and I love giving to the nearly Mamas. Yoga gave so much to me as a pre-mom and newly-mom that I would love to give back. I don't know yet though - I may just have a great admiration and respect for the teacher.

Toddlers - they're going to be fun. They're crazy, unpredictable, challenging, charming, and completely adorable. My first class this week went well and I have ideas for how to expand it this week.

There are six weeks left of my yoga teacher training; this is a great thing in that I will have my weekends back. This is a sad thing in that I've become attached to seeing all the great people in my class every week. I always wish I could make friends easier, that I could take the first step towards new people and cross the great divide between acquaintance and friend. In truth, I'm one of those who has a small number of friends I value greatly. I don't always call, but I value them.

Today I went to a baby shower for one of the mom's in Ava's playgroup. The playgroup started over 18 months ago and I looked at the other five moms today and realized something. They're not just moms in the playgroup; they are my friends. Sometimes our personalities sumo wrestle in the background but I value each of them and they have all contributed to me. I'm the least predictable member of the group with a PT job, yoga training, and slices of time for Ava but they haven't given me the boot. I'm the only one of us that isn't either pregnant or nursing a second child but they still welcome me. This is really cool.

Then I have my friend who I will call Becky, because that's her name, who brought me a care package the week that I was super-sick including western medicine (chicken soup) and eastern medicine (miso soup) with a bunch of other goodies. (The clips are awesome, btw, and adorning three things in my cabinet that were previously clipless!)

I'm grateful. I'm extremely grateful that I had enough energy for the excellent class today on twists (sans Chubby) and I gleaned an extra slice of time tonight by not falling asleep at 9pm with Ava. I am grateful to feel better! Grateful that I have great friends that I don't call often enough but I hope know that I treasure and adore them.

Upside Down

I was stressed out before I even got to work today. Somehow getting back from a long weekend and a vacation in Maui has made me less understanding about everyone's urgent and critical computer issues. I knew a cornucopia of them were waiting for me at my Thursday client.

Half way through the morning I was about to run away and never come back. So I self-prescribed my favorite yoga pose:

Headstand.

I do this in the back hallways, and always wonder if one of the people in the office will walk by and see. Part of me hopes they do, because I'm quite proud that I can do a headstand easily. But I suppose that's my ego talking. I guess to I want someone to ask me why Julie, why are you doing a headstand in the back hallway on the 22nd floor of an office building in downtown San Francisco?

Why, indeed. Because the world feels right side up again after I've been upside down for 30 seconds. I don't know why, but this is true, at least for me.

And did it help? OH YEAH!!!