Five Roses Tea

Last night in my yoga teacher training the topic was the Yoga Sutra of Patanjali. Before class I tried to read the book and got to page 12 in the introduction before I gave up and went back to reading Urban Mystic written by Darren Main, my instructor. It's much more readable, understandable, and I figured I'd wait until after the lecture. After all, I didn't expect the Yoga Sutra to be like a murder-mystery where if I heard the story before reading I would learn the secret identity of Patanjali.

As it would turn out, nobody really knows who Patanjali is anyway - there are rumors he was a poet but nobody knows.

But I digress, as usual, so this is what I learned last night:

There are four chapters in the Yoga Sutra. Not to be confused with the Kama Sutra because this isn't really about sex, except in the sense that yoga is about everything in life which means it's about sex also.

The Sutra is really about 12 pages of one line concepts, if you will, that make up everything there is to know about yoga except the poses. Yep, yoga is brain food first and body food second. The first chapter is wrapped around this one concept: all suffering originates at the level of the mind. Everything everyone suffers over starts first in the brain.

Now if you happen to be a 12-stepper or maybe a Landmarker or maybe even a follower of the Course in Miracles, you've heard this before. This follows my thought that there is one truth and a bunch of books and lectures written around this one truth. But think about it for a moment, as I did, being a past 12-stepper (Al-Anon fortunately, don't have any addictions to my name that I know of) and a past Landmarker (all the yoga psychology really sounds like Landmark dressed in plain clothes, by the way) and a dabbler in the Course in Miracles via Marianne Williamson.

So think for a moment - everything that causes you to suffer, including everyone that causes you to suffer is really just something you made up in your 8 pound brain. The good news is that although we have (meaning I) patterns of behavior that go back as long as we've been alive, and longer if you are in the reincarnation-believing group like me, we can break those patterns.

We can stop doing things that don't work once we realize they're just patterns. Or if we choose to do things that we know aren't in our highest good or nutrition or body care we can do them consciously.

This morning, you see, I had a dilemma. I was tired. My hipflexors were shouting at me in dull aches, my abs - all four groups of them - were chattering also. After five yoga classes this week and a couple hours of home practice, as well as sitting on the ground for two hours of lecture last night, I've really overdone yoga this week.

So my dilemma was whether to make coffee this morning. I have a Trader Joe's half-caf version, but coffee doesn't do my body good. It makes me awake for a bit but then it makes me crash worse than a Krispy Kreme donut. I like the taste, which is a problem. So I stared at the Kitchen Aid coffee pot thinking, I can make coffee, I can drink the coffee, but in no way can I pretend that the coffee is good for me.

What did I do? I looked for tea. I had exactly two bags of caffinated tea in my house, one of which was a lonely bag of Five Roses Tea from South Africa.

I'm such a nostalgic. I bought a box of Five Roses when I was in South Africa. It is such a yummy mild, full bodied tea in the English tradition. But when it came to drinking that final tea bag, I had to keep it. I was in Africa three and a half years ago, and yet I still have this tea bag!

This morning I enjoyed that lone bag of Five Roses. I'll pay a price for the dose of caffeine, but I'm walking into this cup eyes wide open, savoring the taste knowing later today I'll be sleepy. It's like I told my client a while back about Oreos. She said the office manager was considering stopping the supply of Oreos in their office kitchen because they're not good for us.

I looked at her and said, "I don't eat Oreos because they're good for me. I know they're not. If I wanted something good for me I'd eat that banana. I eat Oreos full knowing that it's for the taste."

That, is chapter one of the Yoga Sutra of Patanjali. And whoever Patanjali may be, you were one wise bloke.

When the family is away...

...Mom goes to yoga!

I've hit an all time Julie record. 3.5 hours of yoga in one day. 30 minutes this morning (yoga and meditation) before work. 1.5 hour vinyasa kick-my-butt class at 4PM and 1.5 hour restorative try-to-get-my-brain-to-relax class at 7:45PM.

WOO HOO!

I have actually done all of my 6 requisite weekly practice hours already. Okay, I've done 7.25 already AND assisted in a class on Tuesday. I am trying to bust through this block that has my hips stuck. I'm so close I can feel it or maybe what I feel is the ache in my right knee from the super-tight right hip.

Tomorrow I'm assisting in a prenatal class. If there is one thing I envy of pregnant women is the openness in their hips! I wish I'd thought to take advantage of the flexibility I had when I was carrying Ava, but I was too busy being big and waddling to notice. Either that or I was caught up in a tumultuous mood swing. Okay, I'll work with my hips how they are now instead of aching for how they were preparing to deliver a child.

Speaking of child...my house seems emptier by the day. The cats are great but they aren't filling the space - the chasm - left by T and our little girl. Doing my best to enjoy the days but I'm looking forward to being Mom again on Monday when they return.

Yes...please steal my idea for rolling the die to figure out what you're doing! So glad to be of help!

Luxury of time

I am trying to remember what I did with my time before Ava. I know when I was prego I worked 3 days a week. When I wasn't working I swam and practiced pre-natal yoga. But what about the rest of the time? I must have written in my journals, I could go dig them out. Maybe I had time to read for pleasure, not just for my latest project?

This week T gave me a giant, giant gift. He had to go to So Cal for part work, part fun and took Ava along. They left yesterday, and yes, the house is pin-drop silent, pardon the cliche. Mostly I'm just wondering what to do with the time? I have so many projects going on in my 8 pound brain that this morning I did morning pages for the first time in a week to clear out my head. I made a list of six things that I could do with my day:

1: yoga
2: research for latest book project
3: write latest book project
4: read one of the ten thousand books required for yoga teacher training
5: rewrite the fragments of a memoir I started four years ago
6: something else

This is my way, when I get stuck. I make a list of six things, and then, can you guess what I do?

Six things...guess. I roll a single die and see where it lands.

This morning, at 7:30AM it landed on #1. Yoga. Okay, do I practice at home or go to a 9AM class? How to decide...I flip a quarter.
Heads = head out the door
Tails = stay put

It was heads, so I went to Christopher's 9AM class. I will report, the practice thoroughly kicked my butt.

It's so hard when I have a whole day without even the limitations of a babysitter to figure out what to do first. Then what to do next. I keep telling myself that even if I do nothing it's okay. I could lounge around and pretend I like drinking in bars or something or watching prime time TV and it would all be okay. What I really wonder is what did I do with all that time before Ava? When there was nothing between me and an afternoon nap? This is a mystery. I mean, really, I must have done something with all that time.

When I got home from yoga I ate on the back deck and enjoyed the beautiful San Francisco sunshine. I feel alive now that the sun is back after it's long absence. What am I going to do next, I wondered, and rolled that die again.

#3: write on my book

Of course I had to clean the kitchen first, eat more frosting on the Easter cake, and procrastinate in a half dozen ways before I was ready to write. To my utter surprise, the words were there, waiting to be written.

Now though I am rambling, and procrastinating, because it's time for #2: research for book.

All good when you know where to focus

Greetings!

After a week of agonizing over the work decision...do I work 5 days? Do I work 4? I spent the weekend, when I wasn't in yoga. with my family and realized that they are my priority. Ava is bouncing into those famous 2-year-old tantrums and they're my problem, not one I want to hand to a daycare provider. She's still so little, figuring out the world, and the two weekdays I have with her are precious.

I stressed so much because I was trying to fit yoga and Ava in to a 5 day workweek and it just wasn't working. Sure, money is good. It's necessary. But I'd rather have less money at the moment to have more time for Ava and time for myself and yoga.

Thank you Eliza...I loved your post. Your words were needed and perfect. And thanks Stef, you were right on.

Tales of Eagle eggs and career quandries

I'm having one of those frantic, everything is on fire kind of days. My financial services client in SF needs accounting data restored from last nights backup and I've been having backup issues for the last three days. At three other clients there are also fires to fight.

But right now I'm waiting on hold. I thought I'd check my yahoo mail for something to relax me and I opened a newsletter from the SF Zoo (I'm a member - with a toddler I go to the zoo - a LOT).

The first article was about eagles that have mated at the zoo and a picture of two baby chicks:

How exciting is that? Baby eagles. The zoo raises some to about 1 week and then placed in wild nests on Catalina Island.

I wonder if it's strange for the adult eagles to suddenly have chicks where before they had none? Do they see them as a gift from the Great Eagle?

The zoo raises the rest of the chicks to 7-8 weeks and puts those on Santa Cruz island.

All to help the declined population of bald eagles wiped out from the use of DDT which made their shells too thin to hatch eggs.

I then followed a link (http://www.enn.com/today.html?id=10091) to a story about the first bald eagle egg laid on Santa Cruz island in 50 years!

This gives me hope; hope for the future; hope for a world I want my daughter to inherit.

I have a dilemma of a more personal nature, although what can be more personal than Bald Eagles, I ask? I have a career dilemma.

On Tuesday I had dinner with my manager and the owner of the company. I currently work 3 days a week, but their invitation was to work full time and take on a slightly different but better in some ways, more challenging in others sort of role.

The owner also threw in a couple hints about Ava's future school (and he meant elementary + high school!) being $400K and what about money I need to save for my future. I know, he was trying to appeal to my sense of security and desire to take care of my daughter, but it bugged me. Not in a way I noticed at first, but over the last couple days.

I get that I need to save for my future, and I'm probably not saving enough. Sure, I can make more than double my current earnings by working 5 days vs. 3. I know that. The dilemma I'm facing is whether to move towards a future of technology, which doesn't ignite any sort of passion in me at all. At all. Twelve years in technology has sucked all of the passion out of it. Or do I stay with 3 days a week but leave time to be with Ava, leave time for writing, and leave time for yoga.

I feel like there are two divergent paths in front of me. I feel if I took this job I would be working a lot - a minimum of 45 hours a week - and I keep thinking that my one and only child is still a little girl. She turned 2 yesterday and as independent as she's getting, she still needs me. Am I crazy to give up significant money for time with my daughter?

I have worked those crazy hours - even crazier. I fear going down that path again, because then I was passionate about technology, now I'm not. Now I would be doing it for money, and I really don't do anything well doing it for money.

Argh...

On the fun side of things, I led my first ever yoga class yesterday. It was about ten minutes long and with one person - the 60 year old office manager at my Wednesday client site. Woo hoo! I made up a pose I called downward-desk-dog with hands on the edge of the desk leaning back into the hips. Now that was fun!

I shall keep you posted.

The Hamstring is connected to the Rhomboid

Yesterday I drove down to see Diane, my wonderful homeopathic doctor in San Jose. I see her about once a month or so for various things, but yesterday I wanted to ask her about the tightness/soreness in my right hip.

Although I have lots of distraction issues in my home with meditation, the kicker is my right hip is really, really sore when I go to stand up after meditating. I've asked yoga instructors about this (they said leg alignment), I asked a physical therapist who led our yoga training last Sunday (she said tight hamstrings, be careful in forward folds), and finally I asked Diane.

She said the block was from fear and it goes back 25 generations on both sides of my family. Okay, that's strange, I know, but she hasn't led me wrong in the past five years I've seen her, so I believe until proven wrong.

Then the more practical thing she said was that the tightness in my hamstrings is connected to tightness in my rhomboid muscles (back shoulderblade) on my left side. So she recommended I stretch the rhomboids to help my hamstrings by taking my left arm straight across my upper chest, cradling my right upper arm bone (humerous? I forget) in my left hand. Rest. Repeat.

So far my hip was still sore after meditating cross legged for 20 minutes, but I'll report back on progress. As for the fear bit, I've been focusing my breath and sending love to that aching spot on my hip.

Meditating With A Toddler

I wish I could write that the execution of my decision to practice yoga and meditate every morning instead of doing morning pages was easy. It could be easy except for a few things in my household.

Sunday was the first morning I tried this. I wanted to get up before my family but the time change threw a frog in the works. I practiced yoga for about 10 minutes and then settled down to meditate with my legs crossed, anticipating already that my right hip and knee would be aching by the time I was complete. I told myself it didn't matter that Ava, my little girl who turns two tomorrow, was awake, that seeing me sit quietly for 20 mintues would be new but in time she'd get used to it.

For the first five minutes I listened to her happy babble as she walked around the room with her cheerios. Then something heavy sat in my lap that smelled vaguely of warm pee. No worries, it was Ava in a wet diaper I hadn't changed yet. I brought my mind back again and again as she sat in my lap. Maybe she was meditating too? After all, it would be really strange to see super-busy Mom sitting still for a while. After a while she got up and I resumed my attention to breathing. I peeked at the clock. Ten minutes complete; ten to go.

A couple minutes passed and something soft was put in my lap. Then the something soft started playing baa, baa black sheep. I opened my eyes and it was this frog. Ava pushed his hand so he would play classical bedtime music, put her hands together in the sleep sign at her head. I couldn't help it, I started laughing. I wondered if anyone, anywhere had ever had to meditate with Leap Frog Baby Tad in their lap.

Five minutes to go, I can do this. If I can meditate now, I can do it anytime, anywhere, with any distraction. I moved Baby Tad to the floor and sat quietly. I did make it, not through the tribulations that past heros and warriors had to battle as they calmed their minds, but through the everyday normal household activities of a Mom with a toddler.

Yesterday morning I got up before them. What a treat to meditate in the darkness of 6AM with candles! I was more calm than after morning pages!

Today though, Ava woke first after sleeping an unusual 11 and a half hours (6:30PM to 6AM). Oh no. Yoga practice happened around her on the mat. Baby cobra happened with her sitting on my back legs; downward dog with her sitting in the umbrella created by my bent torso. While she brushed her teeth (asking three times for more "paste") I did about five sun salutes to stretch the aches out of my body.

Now she's dumping her dry cheerios into her booster seat and buckling the seat belt. Perhaps so they are not injured if the chair stops abruptly? I will never know.

I'm going to meditate now and I will report back on the distractions.

p.s. from 4/5
This morning I had to get up at 4:45AM to have time to yoga/meditate before getting to Mountain View by 7. I thought, finally!, a slice of perfect quiet. Then T woke up, walked over and sat in my lap imitating Ava from Monday. I couldn't help but laugh!

AW Check In Week 12 and Acknowledgements

If I don't do this final check-in, will that mean it's not over yet?

TASKS
1. MPs
I did them 7/7 days, but yesterday and today they were afternoon pages. MPs are a great tool and lead me to good places, but I'm going to take a break and meditate instead. I want to start meditating as part of my yoga training, but waking early enough to do MPs, and meditate, and practice yoga is not proving feasible. So I'm switching out one form of meditation (MPs) for another (sitting meditation and watching my breath). I'm going to play with this for a week. I'll let you all know what happens, especially with this pesky time change.

2. Artist Date
I didn't mean to, but today I had an entire day! My morning activity, which is going to sound strange, bizarre, slightly gross but in my experience was cool beyond words I label an artist date:

I went to a cadaver lab, one of the few remaining in the country, and got to see dissected people and all the bones, muscles, organs and such I've been learning about in yoga training. Not to gross you all out or anything, but I held a heart in my hand. I held a brain. (Yes, I was wearing gloves). I saw the sciatic nerve. I saw lots of muscles. I saw a spinal cord. The smell got to me and I had a classmate hold eucalyptus oil under my nose, but the experience was so cool!

We really are just conainers, and if you believe in reincarnation, it's all the better. Who would have ever thought that I would consider looking at dissected people as an artist date? Not I.

We left and my carpool got back to the city and I had lunch with two people I had never talked to before from the training. Both wonderful super-cool women.

Then time for yoga with my absolute favorite instructor, Karl. Three hours of proper alignment of legs, hips, lifting chest, and such.

And then the kicker...a massage right after with my regular guy.

Throughout this course I have resisted, fought the idea of having a whole day. But it just happened entirely without force.

3. Synchronicity
Nothing mind blowing, little bits and pieces that added up.

4. Issues
See giant whole day to myself from #2 above. For me to take a whole day to myself, that is nothing short of a miracle.

I do have something amusing to relate, from the task last week to list a week's worth of nurturing, mine was this, and also notice how many I did, unintentionally!
One week's worth of nurturing, things I would do:
massage - Done today!
yoga (done nearly everyday, at least a little bit)
pedicure (not yet, but this week for sure)
buy fresh flowers - daffodils, tulips (I bought iris because they contrast so wonderfully with my goldenrod yellow wall)
take a walk in nature (didn't do this)
make something hearty and warm, like my italian sausage tortelini soup (made on Thurs, eating leftovers now!)
play with paint and get my hands messy (not done, but no worries)
take a nap as needed! (I did - on Monday when I wasn't feeling well!)

How did that happen???


ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
The AW won't feel complete without taking a moment to acknowledge those who made a huge giant gi-normous difference through these past twelve weeks.

Thank you first, to my friends from before the AW:
Stef, Becky (blogless!), and Pamela who posted encouragements throughout

Then, all the wonderful new people who posted (post something now if I missed you!):
Eliza, Laura, Otter, Kat, Donna, Melba, Dilly Dilly, Krista, Tinker, Marilyn, Blue Dog, Liz Elayne, Kathryn, Watermark, Wendi, and Artist~
your words made the AW a wonderful supported process for me.

And of course, those who read and don't post. I can feel you, and I am grateful. There is nothing more wonderful to a writer than having her words read.

Now, in honor of my current journey, my focus will likely shift to the yoga training and practice that occupies 14 hours a week for me.

Thank you all...I am complete! I will be reading you all very, very soon!