lowercase

this is one of those lowercase kinds of days. the kind of day where i don't understand the purpose of my life, why i'm here, why i bother. it seems so futile, so pointless. no, i'm not going anywhere, and i'm not even suicidal, i'm just pondering. i don't feel up to doing anything that i've committed to doing.

this is the day i want to stay in bed. but i'm not, i got up anyway, and went to work, and am trying to be present, but i'm really not.

what is the point of making a difference? I really don't know today. I want to type something fabulously optimistic, like tomorrow I'll know better, but I'm tired of being optimistic. This is when having a dog would be a good thing, but I have cats who sort of act like dogs.

Je ne se pas.

Breakdowns becoming breakthroughs

Today has been a day of breakdowns becoming breakthroughs. I am awe-struck by today. Completely totally awe-struck.

First, I had meltdown with the guy I've been dating, then by opening up what the meltdown was about, it became a miraculous breakthrough. Communication is a beautiful challenging thing.

Second, Becky and I were on a mission today to create & define our committment to Being Real Inc. In a random Mexican restaurant on 24th street, we talked about what committment means to each of us. It would turn out that Becky has a really good view on committment, created and nurtured through her 18 year marriage. As she defines it, committment is an agreement between both people that both people will work things out no matter what. I realized this was missing from my marriage - this combined committment. I had thought committment equaled fidelity, and it does, but that's not all. No, Becky's definition is much more encompassing and shows much more committment than mine.

I also had what can only be described as a miraculous journey to/from Oakland with my friend Jennifer, who is a great soul, and when I admitted the workshops aren't going as well as I'd hoped, turned out to have a lot to say about the Money workshop...about the practical side of money. Whoa. More awe-struck.

And in about an hour, I'm heading out to catch a midnight showing of Star Wars Episode 2, which is a very unreasonable thing to do since tomorrow at 11AM I will be journeying with my girl scout troop to Chuck E Cheese. Life is meant to be lived, right?