Holiday Blues

I am feeling angry, moody, and resentful today.

I had to work yesterday, upgrading a Blackberry Enterprise Server at a client site that bit a four hour chunk out of a beautiful Sunday.

During this time T and Ava went with T's ex (who is now his friend, but I can't bring myself to just say his friend ...) Christine and her Dad to see some property the Dad bought way out in the Delta.

I didn't know about this until the ex called at 9AM and I was scheduled to work at 2 and thus, wasn't invited.

It wasn't like he was excluding me, it wasn't like he didn't want me to come. It wasn't about him doing anything except going somewhere all day with his ex and leaving me out because I had to work.

I believe our relationship is still suffering from his case of holiday duress, which he always suffers from every holiday season. Until I met him, I never had arguements about the holidays. Of course you went to see family, because that's what you do at Thanksgiving and Christmas, right? Of course you don't love and adore every single f*ing relative you have, but if you only see them once a year, so what? You can love them enough for the same bit of A-positive blood that runs through their veins and yours.

And yes, you decorate the house, because that's what you do. Because it's cool that once a year you have a big six foot real live pine tree in your house decorated with bright lights and trinkets and it smells divine.

That's just what people do, right? That's just what I've always done, every year, and if I complain about doing these things I really don't mean I don't want to participate. I love that for a small slice of time the normal rules of everyday living are suspended.

I want to love the holidays, I want to spend my holidays with T and Ava. We're a family, and the whole point of the holidays is to be with family, right?

I wish I had a point. I wish I had a solution. T seems to be fine now, but I'm the one irritated.

I wish, for two seconds, I could love the holidays for what they give me and not want to end my relationship between now and January 1st.