Week 1: Check In
I made the decision to join the AW group on Wednesday, after a particularly difficult day at work where I was beat up by one client and Thursday I was beat up by another.
The morning pages became my way of coping, of not taking out the frustration and aggravation on my partner and my daughter. Well, at least not as much as I could have. I did my morning pages Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
The artist's date gave me some time just for me - precious invaluable time to not be a computer network engineer, to not be a mom, to just be Julie.
New creative monsters thundered in although I don't know who they are yet. I heard their voices when I was writing "I am a brilliant, talented, and prolific writer" over and over again. They had numerous nasty things to say:
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
No you're not.
I am a brilliant talented and prolific writer.
You forgot a comma. How can you be a brilliant writer when you forgot a comma.
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
Your writing sucked compared to the rest of the writing group. (This refers to a writing group I joined last year.)
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
Your book sucked - it was unreadable and your art was pathetic and too simplistic and I don't know why you bothered.
I am too a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
You are wasting space (with this writing). Why do you keep these books (journals) anyway?
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
Just give up - there's no point.
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
You can't even write in a straight line.
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
And to that nasty voice or voices, you can F*** OFF!!!
These voices have been in my head for a while - especially when I was trying to do morning pages before I joined the AW group. I felt like I was wasting space in the $12 hardbound spiral sketch books I buy for my writing. I may not know who the voices represent yet - and I may not need to because at least their words are out in the open so I can tell them to F*** OFF!!!
In general, my hope is renewed. Everything is possible again and I am so eternally grateful.
posted by Julie @ 11:51 AM
4 Comments:
Heh. Life is difficult for us perfectionistic engineers, isn't it?
I think that was the initial attraction to me of software engineering - the code had to be perfect to work... and I was so good at perfect... ;^)
"I am a brilliant talented and prolific writer.
You forgot a comma. How can you be a brilliant writer when you forgot a comma."
************************************
So true. This voice must just be floating out there in the universe, looking for an invitation to visit . . .
Hi :)
Can I say, I LOVE your "F*** OFF" response to your inner-monster voice. Love it, love it, love it! I hope I can say it that clearly to mine.
I have to tell you, I could never write freely in nice journals. So, for my MP this time, I am just writing on a legal pad, and I rip the pages off and put them in an envelope for safe, private keeping. It's working great for me! Maybe next time, I'll have told my inner-monster "f*** off" enough times to write in one of my (hundred) of journals I have (almost all of which are empty!).
Take care...
oh i appreciate your honesty here. i want to learn to say f*** off to my inner critic too.
Post a Comment
<< Home