A Week Off

I would imagine, or surmise, that one or two or twelve people in this warp speed society daydream in between their morning skim milk latte and the one in the afternoon, that they daydream of taking a bit of time off. Perhaps these same two or twelve people imagine they would watch all of the Big Love episodes they've never seen, or they would remodel the kitchen, or write that big novel that tickles their synapses on a rainy Thursday as they stare at their 14 inch laptop display pretending that they're creating some urgent work report or email.

This week I am one of those people, I may, as I said in my last post, be one of those people for more than this week.

I've done this before, the taking a bit of time off, and I'm not counting vacations where I board a plane to anywhere but here, but I am talking about the time I've had between projects where I sunk my teeth into a chunk of unstructured, unpaid time off.

There's an art to this, really, an art and a surrender to having time where I make up my own to-do list that has little to do with people in an office talking to each other and playing politics and inflating drama to the size of a hot air balloon. The problem, which they guy who wrote 4 hour workweek (help me out here, the book's in the other room) hinted at, is you do need to have some idea of what you want to do with free time. The problem is that without that idea and/or an inclination to making my own task lists with enough, but not too much to drive me crazy so I wish I was at work.

Then there's also the part where I triumphantly slay the demons that guard the tower of Not Doing Enough. Yesterday, these demons were kept at bay as I was genuinely happy, so happy and relaxed that my husband asked me four times "Are you okay?" After the last time he answered himself "Nevermind, the best way to get someone out of a good mood is to ask them if they're okay." I squatted down in front of him, feeling nearly Zen and said "I think it's just that you're not used to seeing me relaxed." Heck, I'm not used to being relaxed, I think I should be fighting this or it should be hard and I should be in agony and stress and anxiety, and pick up a smack habit or something. I don't know who these people are that made up those Shoulds, but I'd like to give them a swift kick in the reproductive organs.

Right at this moment my sweetie daughter is snuggling under my right arm that is trying to type. I only half realized what was happening, and was about to say something so totally uncool like move because I'm typing, but I've stopped listening to the Should People today and instead accepted this full on gift of love just like when I went to pick her up from school and she saw me from across the playground and ran, full speed towards me, arms open wide, face wearing GLEE. Nobody wears GLEE quite like a four year old.

I can fast forward well enough into her development to know these days of running towards me arms wide and smiling are perhaps numbered. This ability to fast forward has the unique present of giving in completely to the moment and accepting the gift of love when it arrives, not at some time that the Should People consider convenient.

I'd like to rewrite some of those Shoulds, while I'm on the topic:
+ I SHOULD ...

Okay, that's a bad idea. Even if I write good things, Should transfigures them into nasty gut tightening things and I don't want a job being one of the Should People. I'd rather do a lot of things that involve pain or embarassment.

This week is about surrendering into a brief list of tasks punctuated by expanses of time with nothing to do, or at the very least, so many fewer things to do than usual that they get done and I feel good. What a thought!

I'm on a journey in my hometown to find my own rhythm, my own groove. I mildly thought to panic about not making money this week, but instead decided to put it off until next week, because I am a good enough squirrel that we are fine for a week or two or three if needed, and it is needed, because for three days in a row now I've been happy. As my delightful friend said, "Now is the time to execute trust and faith!"

Something to say

Wow. Time doesn't so much fly when it's undocumented, as rocket. My last posting was April, 10 months ago. What's happened in the past months can only be explained by work, that paid money, that paid bills, and left me with enough time and energy to be a mom.

But as I recall, I did take a week and a half off in July to wander about New England, fall in love with Boston and feel not only like I've lived there before, but perhaps in a few lifetimes. I stayed three nights at a glorious place called Kripalu, made friends with a group of mostly lesbians in Ogunquit, Maine (the most gay town in New England, I believe), and recover pieces of me by traveling solo.

Now, I have a week off. I wouldn't exactly call it vacation, except that it's a vacation from the year and a half long contract "job" that paid well but didn't leave for much time. There's a lot of drama, which isn't particularly interesting right now, for rhyme and reason that I'm off for this week but it does involve a new boss that was hired while I went on the New England trip, and that we couldn't "come to an agreement" so that I would become a permanent employee.

Really, I can't say I wanted to. I would have, but in the end they hired someone else, a nice guy with a wife and infant daughter who needed a job, and I think will do just fine. I may be back, I may not, but I got my un-secret wish to have the first week of February off, maybe even the whole month.

That just means I won't show up in the office across the bay for a week, I won't check that work email for a week, I won't take phone calls from them for a week. I will breathe and ease the vice on my guts when my thoughts wander to the topic. I will, however, miss the routine 4pm walk to Starbucks though, as much for the chit chat, gossip, and breath of O2 as for the shot of caffeine which only interests me some days.

I'll miss a few treasured folks, the banter, the problem solving (a little). But really, I'm tidying up my life.

I've made a list of what I want to do in the next few weeks, or even this week, this is what I'm working with, which I reserve the right to edit.

+yoga classes - take and teach
** subset to this, I want to practice yoga every day for a month, take classes and at home
** second subset on teaching, I'm playing with the idea of teaching a yoga/dance movement class, which would first involve creating it

+play with Ava one day during the week - reduce school from 5 to 4 days
** I realized my sweetie is starting kindergarten in 8 short months and want to hang out with her more

+write
** I'm also starting Julia Cameron's "walking in this world" with my two AW buddies

+pass the CBEST test so I can substitute teach
** ever have a dream deferred? Mine was to be a teacher, we'll see what happens with this!

+nurture my yoga company

+play with idea for workshop website

+get prints made of the kazillion pics I have of Ava from my digital camera

+play with summer camp idea

+paint Ava's room

We shall see what the week unfolds...until then, it's nice to be back.