Overwhelm

Is there such a thing as too much possibility?

In the first weeks of the AW I was confronted by aches in my right hand and wrist and entertained other ideas of what I might want to do if I wasn't working on a computer all day.

The two ideas I came up with were to photograph children - and then shortly after that I got a haircut from a friend, we both want to work as photographers, and I bought an amazing new camera. My husband tells me just to play with the camera, just take pictures and have fun with it - don't wrap your head around making money with the camera even if you do spend a lot of money on it - just play with it. Evidently he knows my pattern of coming up with something new to do and getting stuck right about the time I think I ought to make money with it.

But I did photograph a birthday party of a good friend's daughter and I did have fun. I have the images burned to a cd to her that I am determined to get in the mail tomorrow. I have to say the good side of digital is that there is no huge cost of film developing or printing proof sheets - the CD costs little, copying the images from my camera to laptop costs only time.

This is all good...if it's so good, why am I a basket case? Why am I ready to bounce off the walls and bury my head in the sand to make it all go away.

Why am I so determined to limit myself and opportunities???

In reality...all I did was take pictures at a birthday party. That's it. In my head I have quit my job and somehow relying on what must be meager money that I would make shooting birthday parties.

This is what I do. I get way ahead of myself and get scared and worried and then terrified. Terrified of succeeding at doing something completely atypical.

Then the other thing. When I had hand and arm problems (which were, according to my awesome holistic practitioner all to do with not breathing while I was doing my MP's if you can believe that!) I also thought I'd love to teach yoga.

So of course, OF COURSE, since I am in the AW my usual yoga studio had a flyer a couple weeks back about instructor training. Six month course and (what feels like) a huge amount of money. No way...no way I can swing it I tell myself and throw the flyer away. I just want to teach kids why do I have to go through a huge course like this?

So today after yoga I picked up a schedule and saw that the training is Friday evenings, Saturday and Sunday afternoons - three weekends a month. Hm. I can at least ask the questions in my head...the questions like do I have to pay all at once or can I pay over time? What time exactly is the time commitment on those days?

So I get a quick response back...the training does start this Friday. OF COURSE IT DOES. OF COURSE I WANT TO PULL OUT ALL MY HAIR AND RUN IN CIRCLES MADLY AND RAPIDLY AND HIDE. Mostly I just want to hide.

I pay in four chunks, which are big, but manageable. The time commitment is 2 hrs Friday night, 3 hours Sat & Sun. Manageable. Uh-oh. I also have to take six hours worth of classes a week plus homework. I count. Fourteen hours of yoga a week.

I talk to my husband, who says, OF COURSE, if you want to do this we will make it work. I say "of course" because it's like the Universe is handing me a plate, full of being a yoga instructor, saying, help yourself. Don't you want this? Really, it's delicious, take some.

WHY DOES THIS MAKE ME WANT TO HIDE? Why does the thougth of having a wonderful, extraordinary life make me want to run to the nearest 8-5 job and sign up?

Oh - and OF COURSE I had a synchronistic conversation with my Mom this morning about religion and had a bunch of great ideas for my book.

I mean "of course" in the most sarcastic of ways.

Am I just crazy? How does anyone else deal with too much good? Is it possible to just accept it and say thank you????