Soul-sick

In the movie "Joe Vs. The Volcano" there is one scene where Meg Ryan says to Tom Hanks, "We're on a little boat for a while; I'm soul sick and you're going to see it."

I was driving home from work today, on a day I was supposed to be off but because I suffer from the compulsion to say yes when I should say no, I was working. At least it was only for three hours. Plus travel, four and a bit. So as I was driving home I was pondering my recurring malaise. My good moods last for fleeting, unnoticeable moments; my bad moods linger and hover, not like a rain cloud, because that is such a cliche, but more like imminent doom.

I am in a decent mood at work, because it's work, and because I can put on a smiling face for the benefit of the people at work, I can pretend everything is fine, pretend, pretend, pretend. Then I get in the car and drive home and feel the bad mood lurking when I tear off the mask of office pleasantries.

By the time I get home I am fully absorbed in the bad mood, wanting to murder or at least pack for my current scapegoat, who may or may not have done anything. I am irritated and pissed off when I see T, who insists that he hasn't done anything to invite pissed-off Julie to take refuge here for the night. He usually hasn't done anything. It's just this mood.

I don't know how to break it. I don't know how to escape it. I don't feel happy to be around anyone, I don't feel happy to be by myself. I want to quit my job, I want to quit everything.

On a long drive recently T and I came up with this fabulous plan that we would just pack and move. We were tossing locations into the air...what about Tennessee? What if we rented a place near his brother's house and then later bought something? Of course we wouldn't sell the house in the city, that would be foolish, but we'd just go someplace else for a while and if we didn't like it, move back. I just wanted life to go slower, I still do, but then in this imaginary situation in Tennessee where our whole trio could live off of $1000/month, I was teaching yoga classes or computer classes, not just settling down and being a mom. I was packing busy right next to my socks and t-shirts.

Really, I want myself back. I used to be in a good mood more than bad; I used to escape these bad moods with a magic word and a chick flick. Now, I feel an act of desperation is necessary, but even then I don't know if it would stick.

Diane, my wonderful alternative doctor, says I need fun, and I need to do something I consider fun. What is fun? I used to wander around the city, now I feel guilty if I don't spend my free time with Ava, she's getting big so quickly, I'm afraid I'm going to miss something if I'm gone more than I already am at work.

There is no winning this game. I wish I could call it a self-pity game, but I don't even think I'm on the pity bus. I'm on the apathetic bus. I just looked up apathetic on m-w.com and it said "spiritless" - yes, I feel spiritless. Where do I go to get my spirit back??? What do I do to get my spirit back???

These are questions, ponderable, unanswerable questions. But now, it's time to go to yoga, where my bitter soul may find some nectar.