So What?

I have misplaced my inspiration. I have misplaced my motivation. I am living in the land of "so what" these days and I don't know how to move into the world of actually caring what happens around me.

I go to work, I fix computer problems, I work on things to resolve computer problems...so what.

If it's a work day I wake up, take a shower, get dressed, dry my hair, eat something, get in my car and go to work...so what.

If it's not a work day and it's Tuesday, I get Ava ready to go to My Gym at 9:15 so she can monkey-scoot around the play gym with a dozen other toddlers. They play good music, but so what?

If it's Wednesday, I run errands with Ava, buying things to put in the refrigerator that I won't feel like eating later, finding things at Target I don't need and will put back before I get to the check out line. I figure out if diapers are a better price at Target or at Costco - and buy them at Target because Costco doesn't carry Pampers anymore. So what?

Last weekend I went to Reno with T and Ava, and T's buddy, his wife, and two daughters. T and his buddy played golf, gambled, while all the girls looked for things to do in Reno. So what?

We had the best time, just T, Ava, and I, when we stopped in Truckee on the way home, and decided to find a park to throw a frisbee around. We both suck at frisbee throwing, so it's a good thing for both of us to do. We ended up at this strip of park on Donner lake, bs'ed with the people around us, Ava got filthy playing in the dirt with rocks and pinecones, and I was happy for a while. We even went and bought a little 3-person rubber raft which barely fit the three of us, so I guess they really meant a three kid raft, and paddled around the lake.

For bits and pieces of time, I care, but mostly I live in "so what." Does it really matter if I show up at work today, if those problems don't get solved by me today. Sure, because I'm going to let my team down if I don't. But really, it's so what.

Does it matter if I feed Ava healthy foods, keep her away from sugar and wheat, when everyone else feeds her junk anyway? Okay, T feeds her well. His mom feeds her as best as she can. But does it really make a difference?

I used to feel like I made an impact, like I made a difference in the world, like it mattered if I showed up. Now I feel "so what".