Before Ava, After Ava

Before having Ava, I wondered how parents did what they did, that is, when I thought about it at all. I really agree with Anne Lamott when she said she thought having a baby would be more like having a cat.

Now that my life includes Ava, I tell myself a few dozen times a day that I am a good mom, that it's going to be okay if she eats one cookie as long as she doesn't eat them all the time and that one cookie isn't going to cause ADHD, and even though I haven't given her a bath in four days, nobody can tell.

I just deal, somehow, and I'm really, really grateful I don't have access to firearms when I'm angry because my anger got 5000% more intense during my second trimester and hasn't stopped yet.

Then Ava falls asleep and the whole house goes quiet and for two seconds I can vaguely recollect my life before her when it I thought it was pretty full, but if Ava monkey-scooted out the door to the nearest living relative for good, there would be a big gaping hole where she used to be and I know I would stare at her crib for hours, thinking what am I going to feed her for dinner?