self revelations

Asking

2009-07-08T13:25:00.001-07:00

Email to a friend today:

As I was digging through the recycling dumpster wearing garbage bags on my hands/arms as I couldn't find gloves, searching for a missing box containing a replacement mobile phone that once lived under my desk ... I remembered I am more powerful than I think and asked those on duty to please, please deliver the missing box to me today, gently, to my desk, as if it had wings.

How egotistical I am to think I'm in charge and it's all up to me!!!

It hasn't shown up yet, but I'm going to renew my desk and visualize it being on my desk, today.

Mimulus, added to Sweet Chestnut, Gentian, and something else

2009-06-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

http://www.bachflower.com/38_Essences.htm

Ava has been saying lately that she is afraid to be alone, so I thought to add Mimulus to my Bach concoction. I checked the label, pleased that at Whole foods the flower essences are on sale for $3.50 less than normal, which said:

brings courage and calm to face things that frighten or worry you ...

sign me up please, Ava's not the only one who needs that right about now.

Miracles in the morning

2009-03-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

This morning I needed a miracle. Big in my face miracle. I needed a miracle so bad I didn't even think to ask for one, as is often the case when the need is greater than anything else.

The clouds blocked the sun when I woke, the stress I'd managed to keep away, keep at bay for the last couple weeks of my new job, the new job that I keep feeling is not.going.to.work.out for a number of reasons, and reason number 101 cropped up yesterday when I got my first paycheck, and the realization hit that my after-tax income for the month will pay my mortgage, and that's it. I'm okay for the month so it's not time to panic. This is a great big blinking colorful neon sign that I need a new job and yesterday I was so amused. Laughing out loud amused because it's the straw that breaks the elephant's back when the elephant is carrying the camel.

This morning though, the reality some people live in, the one where there is only a recession in sight and no miracles anywhere wrapped its suffocating self around me like saran wrap and I couldn't breathe. All I could do was be angry. Do you know that feeling, Internet audience? That feeling like all you can feel is anger and it transmogrifies your sane rational hopeful thoughts into f*ed up ones. Some small part of you speaks quietly that it's all going to be okay, all of it, but you can't hear that ... yet.

So of COURSE my job had an emergency this morning too, but at least it was a decent distraction so my worker bee personality could take over and be normal and social and get stuff done.

Then, the sun chased the clouds away and caressed the octagon crystal hung in my kitchen windows, and rainbows fell like soft rain all over my kitchen, and as below, even landing in my tea.

That is enough miracle for me, enough to shake the mood, today.

A Week Off

2009-02-03T17:39:00.000-08:00

I would imagine, or surmise, that one or two or twelve people in this warp speed society daydream in between their morning skim milk latte and the one in the afternoon, that they daydream of taking a bit of time off. Perhaps these same two or twelve people imagine they would watch all of the Big Love episodes they've never seen, or they would remodel the kitchen, or write that big novel that tickles their synapses on a rainy Thursday as they stare at their 14 inch laptop display pretending that they're creating some urgent work report or email.

This week I am one of those people, I may, as I said in my last post, be one of those people for more than this week.

I've done this before, the taking a bit of time off, and I'm not counting vacations where I board a plane to anywhere but here, but I am talking about the time I've had between projects where I sunk my teeth into a chunk of unstructured, unpaid time off.

There's an art to this, really, an art and a surrender to having time where I make up my own to-do list that has little to do with people in an office talking to each other and playing politics and inflating drama to the size of a hot air balloon. The problem, which they guy who wrote 4 hour workweek (help me out here, the book's in the other room) hinted at, is you do need to have some idea of what you want to do with free time. The problem is that without that idea and/or an inclination to making my own task lists with enough, but not too much to drive me crazy so I wish I was at work.

Then there's also the part where I triumphantly slay the demons that guard the tower of Not Doing Enough. Yesterday, these demons were kept at bay as I was genuinely happy, so happy and relaxed that my husband asked me four times "Are you okay?" After the last time he answered himself "Nevermind, the best way to get someone out of a good mood is to ask them if they're okay." I squatted down in front of him, feeling nearly Zen and said "I think it's just that you're not used to seeing me relaxed." Heck, I'm not used to being relaxed, I think I should be fighting this or it should be hard and I should be in agony and stress and anxiety, and pick up a smack habit or something. I don't know who these people are that made up those Shoulds, but I'd like to give them a swift kick in the reproductive organs.

Right at this moment my sweetie daughter is snuggling under my right arm that is trying to type. I only half realized what was happening, and was about to say something so totally uncool like move because I'm typing, but I've stopped listening to the Should People today and instead accepted this full on gift of love just like when I went to pick her up from school and she saw me from across the playground and ran, full speed towards me, arms open wide, face wearing GLEE. Nobody wears GLEE quite like a four year old.

I can fast forward well enough into her development to know these days of running towards me arms wide and smiling are perhaps numbered. This ability to fast forward has the unique present of giving in completely to the moment and accepting the gift of love when it arrives, not at some time that the Should People consider convenient.

I'd like to rewrite some of those Shoulds, while I'm on the topic:
+ I SHOULD ...

Okay, that's a bad idea. Even if I write good things, Should transfigures them into nasty gut tightening things and I don't want a job being one of the Should People. I'd rather do a lot of things that involve pain or embarassment.

This week is about surrendering into a brief list of tasks punctuated by expanses of time with nothing to do, or at the very least, so many fewer things to do than usual that they get done and I feel good. What a thought!

I'm on a journey in my hometown to find my own rhythm, my own groove. I mildly thought to panic about not making money this week, but instead decided to put it off until next week, because I am a good enough squirrel that we are fine for a week or two or three if needed, and it is needed, because for three days in a row now I've been happy. As my delightful friend said, "Now is the time to execute trust and faith!"

Something to say

2009-02-02T16:59:00.001-08:00

Wow. Time doesn't so much fly when it's undocumented, as rocket. My last posting was April, 10 months ago. What's happened in the past months can only be explained by work, that paid money, that paid bills, and left me with enough time and energy to be a mom.

But as I recall, I did take a week and a half off in July to wander about New England, fall in love with Boston and feel not only like I've lived there before, but perhaps in a few lifetimes. I stayed three nights at a glorious place called Kripalu, made friends with a group of mostly lesbians in Ogunquit, Maine (the most gay town in New England, I believe), and recover pieces of me by traveling solo.

Now, I have a week off. I wouldn't exactly call it vacation, except that it's a vacation from the year and a half long contract "job" that paid well but didn't leave for much time. There's a lot of drama, which isn't particularly interesting right now, for rhyme and reason that I'm off for this week but it does involve a new boss that was hired while I went on the New England trip, and that we couldn't "come to an agreement" so that I would become a permanent employee.

Really, I can't say I wanted to. I would have, but in the end they hired someone else, a nice guy with a wife and infant daughter who needed a job, and I think will do just fine. I may be back, I may not, but I got my un-secret wish to have the first week of February off, maybe even the whole month.

That just means I won't show up in the office across the bay for a week, I won't check that work email for a week, I won't take phone calls from them for a week. I will breathe and ease the vice on my guts when my thoughts wander to the topic. I will, however, miss the routine 4pm walk to Starbucks though, as much for the chit chat, gossip, and breath of O2 as for the shot of caffeine which only interests me some days.

I'll miss a few treasured folks, the banter, the problem solving (a little). But really, I'm tidying up my life.

I've made a list of what I want to do in the next few weeks, or even this week, this is what I'm working with, which I reserve the right to edit.

+yoga classes - take and teach
** subset to this, I want to practice yoga every day for a month, take classes and at home
** second subset on teaching, I'm playing with the idea of teaching a yoga/dance movement class, which would first involve creating it

+play with Ava one day during the week - reduce school from 5 to 4 days
** I realized my sweetie is starting kindergarten in 8 short months and want to hang out with her more

+write
** I'm also starting Julia Cameron's "walking in this world" with my two AW buddies

+pass the CBEST test so I can substitute teach
** ever have a dream deferred? Mine was to be a teacher, we'll see what happens with this!

+nurture my yoga company

+play with idea for workshop website

+get prints made of the kazillion pics I have of Ava from my digital camera

+play with summer camp idea

+paint Ava's room

We shall see what the week unfolds...until then, it's nice to be back.

Easy Like Friday Morning

2008-04-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

Friday Ava & I had a go slow and enjoy the moment morning.
These pictures are so yummy, so rich to me
I just might resize and put them on my walls.

Random Combinations

2008-04-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

Slippers In Slippers

Raven Candle Shadow

Wonder

2008-04-11T16:24:00.001-07:00

Backyard Spring Flowers

2008-03-30T10:34:00.001-07:00

Butterfly Cookies

2008-03-23T08:02:00.000-07:00

Tahoe Standing Forest

2008-03-05T19:46:00.001-08:00

Tree Silhouette

2008-03-05T19:36:00.001-08:00

Berkeley Urban Ore

2008-02-18T09:08:00.000-08:00

New York in January

2008-02-17T13:29:00.000-08:00

swords at the met

our beautiful lady of liberty enshrouded in fog

Dry to Juicy in less than 48 hours

2007-10-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

Months ago, a weekend escape for myself and two lovely succulent friends was planned. Days inched by and suddenly the weekend was upon us. I had thought there would be minor drama, inability to go by someone, possibly me, or drama around driving, or around eating, or something.

But I underestimated our dynamic trio. There was no drama at all! As it turned out, we all needed the weekend escape from reality, needed the longer luxurious expanse of time between Friday after work and Sunday late morning together to be appreciated, cajoled, teased, and loved for exactly who we all are.

For me, what I needed most was to get grounded in me again. I've been on such a whirlwind since I started my new job nearly 3 months ago that I've been a stressed out shell of my former ebullient self. "Where did I go?" I pondered to one of our trio; "where ever I went, I want to get me back!"

I can't say it's something we did, I mean, to a super efficient time management (freak) what we did would seem minor, to be measured in sentences not paragraphs or chapters. But it's what we didn't do that made all the difference. We didn't argue. We didn't have to take care of children, partners, and without that, being together was all we needed to take care of each other. Mostly, what we did was give ourselves space to take care of ourselves.

Oh. And I learned how to play gin and make mung dal soup with spinach.

I was writing this morning on the prompt from Rob Brezny's book "Pronoia: Antidote for Paranoia" after reading about how Thomas Edison had like 10,000 failed inventions and nearly all of his patents were from happy accidents. What, I was asked, have I done and failed at 10,000 times. I giggled. I know, the thing I've failed at a lot is taking care of myself.

My beautiful friends, I trust you're reading this, thanks for helping me find myself again and laughing at the vacuum cleaner salesman.

love,
Julie

Cleanse Day #1

2007-09-24T07:15:00.001-07:00

Two dreams last night of people locked behind doors with no food or water - in the first a old woman had put them there and it was my role to rescue them while befriending the woman.

This morning while meditating I opened the door from the first dream and gave them water with a bit of maple syrup to quench their thirst.

Breakfast:
glass of warm water with 1/4 lemon
Quinoa porridge that I made with unsweetened almond milk, cinnamon, vanilla, and nutmeg. Was okay, but could use more spices.

After I dropped Ava at school and taught her O-F-F spells "off") I had a subtle flash of insight: in addition to cleansing my body this week, what else could I cleanse? I thought perhaps to start with cleansing my mind of anger and put peace in its place. We'll see how this goes.

Morning snack:
absolutely starving at 9:30AM...I brought applesauce for a snack, but instead I'm eating the raw almonds on my desk... (10 almonds). Realizing how much I hate feeling starving and not eating!
Okay...make that 19 almonds. We'll see if I want to eat my lunch at 11AM!

11:30 snack
unsweetened applesauce with cinnnamon that I brought for snack

12:15pm lunch
warmed up turkey chili I made last night & put over brown basmati & wild rice

2pm - started to get snacking itch, rallied up some coworkers to walk to sbucks so I could get some kind of plain tea and a 20 minute round trip walk

2:45 lunch continued
hungry again, instead of reaching for the dried fruit in my drawer, or cookies, warmed up the rest of the chili and brown/wild rice to eat with my peppermint tea & added lemon

4:27pm
I'M HUNGRY. HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY. Even the burnt toast smell wafting from the kitchen smells good. I could eat more almonds, but they don't sound good. What sounds good is COOKIES. But fortunately, there are no cookies. There are some spelt crackers in the kitchen I may pilfer though.

Spelt crackers...goooood. I hope I have everything I need to make tonight's dinner and tomorrow's lunch.

Fall Cleanse

2007-09-23T19:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to a cleanse workshop led by Darshana Weill who runs this organization. I had met Darshana during my yoga teacher training just over a year ago when she taught a session on nutrition and being a yogi.

I've been playing with eating less wheat over the last couple months, and some days are better than others, but mostly avoiding giving up wheat, dairy, and sugar at once. So that's why I finally signed up, despite a breakdown or two the day before. Fortunately, this is more of a "be kind to my body" kind of cleanse with three food options ranging from gentle, balanced, to super cleansing. I'm choosing somewhere between gentle and balanced. The cleanse is 7 days, and my intention is to start tomorrow with breakfast.

Today I intended to eat less or no wheat, dairy, or sugar, to prepare myself for tomorrow through Sunday. As you'll read below, I'm doing okay, but not perfect.

I'm thinking perhaps that my goal for this week is to eat less or none of those things, but also to be honest about what I am eating, and *gulp* perhaps learn how to release judgment of what I do eat? We'll see.

Today:
Pre-breakfast:
2 glasses warm water with 1/4 lemon each
1/4 to 1/2 of an apple
leftover brown basmati & wild rice with unsweetened almond milk

Breakfast/Brunch at Hobee's restaurant - prearranged for today with my family of three plus a special guest: my ex-husband. Thus, I am starting cleanse tomorrow, not today!
1/2 cup house cinnamon tea with cream
2 scrambled eggs
3 slices turkey bacon
fresh fruit: watermelon, cantaloupe, honeydew, and grapes (which I gave to Ava)
5-6 bites of potatoes
5-6 bites of coffee cake

Another glass of lemon water

Lunch -
didn't really eat lunch, but snacked on whole wheat crackers and apple slices
- probably 1/2 or more of the apple and 5-6 crackers
and more lemon water

Snack - 2 bites of sample cheese and one bite of sample toffee at Whole Foods

Dinner -
bites of noodles for Ava's mac and cheese to test for doneness
THIS turkey chili on a bed of brown basmati & wild rice
Recipe mods: added of about 1/2 cup chopped zucchini and went light on the cayenne pepper (1tsp not 2).
And then there were the 4-6 bites of mac and cheese I ate before the chili (Annie's, not the blue box, but what was that I wrote about avoiding wheat and dairy???) and the 4-6 bites I ate after the chili, and the rest of the mac and cheese I'm contemplating eating.

One cleanse challenge I didn't write down is that what I'm going to be feeding my three year old is undoubtedly not going to be what I'm trying to eat...but we'll see.

Baby step diet change

2007-08-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

Five days ago I had a revelation. I've been reading a book called Ultra Prevention because the founder of the brand-spankin-new startup company I've joined is friends with the author and it's that friendship that sparked the idea for the new company. I can't spill on the new company yet but you'll be the first to know when I can (think "healthy foods" ... oh no, I've said too much...)

Of course the book elaborates on the twelve million reasons to avoid processed foods ... especially those nutritionally bankrupt processed white foods (the "white menace" the book calls them) - white flour, white sugar, white rice, and other white things I can't remember. And of course (I say of course because none of this is news to me because I've been studying it for like the last 8 years) there's a "diet" in the book where for 6 weeks the goal is to eradicate those foods from the diet and other stuff that is cool but I'm not going to go into now. And I've tried, in the past, to kill off all those nutritionally void foods but after 1.3 days I give up. It's just too hard to kill off everything at once.

And I LIKE vegetables. I love fruit in all forms. I cut corn syrup and high fructose corn syrup out of my diet over a month ago. I know without a doubt that all those processed fiber-less foods are not good for my body and this book even spelled out what they do to what organs, what diseases they cause, etc., which is cool. I like information.

So. About the revelation. It wasn't a blinding flash of insight, more like a headline on a newspaper someone was reading ahead of me in line at lunch that caught my eye. I thought, for once, I'd just stop eating one thing off that list. Just one. I would just stop eating wheat. I wouldn't try and kill off all caffeine, all dairy, all sugar in its many guises, all rice, all everything I know is not nutritionally best for my body...I would just stop eating wheat and see how that went.

I'm on day four. I don't miss it too much...fortunately there are lots of wheat-free foods these days so while Ava was eating multi grain waffles for breakfast I was eating wheat free ones. Instead of eating regular cookies, I bought some wheat free ones at the healthy grocery store yesterday. Instead of trying to do all or nothing and failing each time...because really, who can do that forever? This time I'm just doing a little bit.

And for my little effort, I got a great big verbal pat on the back by my homeopath. She acknowledged that by doing a little my body will support letting go of other things on the not-good-for-the-body food list. Or she said something like that.

Mostly I like that after I eat I'm not so lethargic, not so congested, my eyes aren't itchy. I like that after breakfast I don't need a nap anymore.

20 years after high school

2007-06-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my 20 year high school reunion, which has me in a slight, but manageable tailspin. I got to thinking this morning of what I wanted to do prior to the reunion...

Things I wanted to do but didn't....
Get my hair cut
Get my teeth cleaned
Find a fabulous new dress
Go on 30 day cleansing diet to clear up acne
Figure out the best way to remove hair from my legs
Have some kind of book published

Things I did accomplish, that I wanted to have done...
Start my yoga business
Have a life that is reasonably balanced between work, family, and me
Have a wonderful three year old daughter
Have a fiance who my partner, my equal, and wouldn't have it any other way

Then I also got to thinking about 20 years ago, and what I never dreamed possible, that I have done....
Briefly be a dot com (almost) millionaire and then not
Have any clue what a dot com was
Help build half a dozen start up companies
Live in San Francisco (but I dreamed of it!)
Travel by myself to Europe for 3 weeks
Travel through Africa with my Dad for a month
Sleep in a tent in Botswana with lions and hippos wandering nearby
Travel to Hong Kong, Singapore
Be valued for being smart
Become a yoga instructor (wanting to teach anything fitness was beyond my imagination)
Create and publish (with lots of help) a world-wide read Internet magazine
Have friends that I love, adore, and treasure
Co-Developed and lead writing workshops with a great friend
Do lots of things with the help of others
Ask for help
Be willing to attend my 20 year reunion!

I'm sure there's more...but tell me as you glance back at your life 15 or 20 years ago, what have you done that you never imagined possible?

Quinoa, the other grain

2007-06-08T13:13:00.000-07:00

Dear loyal readers,

Yes, there are many more things going on than I want to discuss, if you want a glimpse of them, read my other blog...but for now I want to write about quinoa.

When I first saw this grain in print, I thought it was pronounced kin-oh-ah. I was mistaken, it's pronounced keen-wah. And despite the initial pronunciation issues, the more I try it and and the better I get to know this little round nutritional marvel (it's the grain with the most protein!), the more I like it.

I found this recipe for Spinach Quinoa salad with cherries and almonds a couple weeks ago when I added myself to the Vegetarian Times mailing list. I made it while procrastinating one Friday afternoon and fell (almost) in culinary love.

Read the recipe first, as I'm not going to reprint it here just in case there are copyrights that will chop off all my hair as a penalty. But here are my mods:

Almonds: I used slivered, toasted, and found it's best if you add right before eating as soggy refrigerated almonds are not so fun.
Cherries: use dried ones, the texture works well
Chickpeas: if you like them, follow the recipe, if you don't (like me) leave them out - nothing is lost
Garlic: use one medium sized clove unless you want to kill your tastebuds softly with garlic
Quinoa: I used 1 cup quinoa and 1/2 cup millet because that's what I had - worked fine.

Other than that, I followed the recipe and would again. Yum! I ate this for days and never tired of it.

Then a week later I wanted to make it again, so I got around to cooking the quinoa and didn't make the salad. Now I've been having fun mixing the cooked quinoa with other ingredients, like for lunch today and I made what can only be called a Veggie Quinoa stir fry.

Here's what I did:
sauteed a bunch of sliced mushrooms in garlic and butter
added two handfuls of baby spinach and sauteed them
found some leftover sliced steamed red potatoes in the fridge and added them
then added about a cup of cooked quinoa and stirred up until everything was warm.

I've got to say...it's quite good! The bonus being that it's wheat free and dairy free! How did I manage that???

Overwhelmed by Possibility

2007-06-02T16:26:00.001-07:00

For the last couple days I've felt overwhelmed. So much going on, so many things to do with the spare minutes of time I may have in a day.

Until today I was doing my irregular morning pages and realized I'm overwhelmed because there is so much GOOD going on in my life. So many incredible, unbelievable, happenings and coincidences and opportunities that I want to shut down, pull the blankets up over my head, and hide.

For example...
My little company, Yoga Delivery, has one client. I've been saying I want two more clients, two more, I said preschools but it really didn't matter what kind of clients. Just clients, from one to three. So then a couple weeks ago T and I invited an old friend of T's to our Sunday ritualistic breakfast and as it turns out he organized basketball camps for kids over the summer (he was a semi-pro BB player). Five camps, for a week each. I looked at him, incredulous, and said "do you know I teach yoga, and I have a company that I created to bring yoga to people?" or something like that. A great conversation ensued, including how I could help him with his business, and we just formalized this week that I'll be teaching yoga to the kids in his camp during the late pickup hours for the first camp the end of June. What does it feel like when I make a wish, and that wish seems so improbable that it could come true, and yet it does? It feels...overwhelming!!!!

I'm not complaining, much. I'm reminding myself to breathe, relax, practice yoga in this moment, not in five minutes, because there's nothing I need to do right now.

Then...THEN I sent out an email to the group of people in my yoga training last year asking for book recommendations and got a response from one of my favorite people and I arranged to meet him and borrow a couple books. THEN I meet him in person, and he's off for the summer (works for a high school) and YES! he would be interested in teaching at the basketball camp on days I can't make it. I mean, he's just awesome, and he's worked with high school wrestlers, and likes teaching yoga to kids.

And .... AND tomorrow I agreed last minute to teach a freebie toddler yoga class at the Children's Day Festival in Bernal Heights. I figured I could print a few flyers, give a brief intro to Yoga Delivery. And be a little more overwhelmed by dreams coming true.

I've heard before that it's not our weakness we fear, it's that we're powerful beyond our imaginings. Dude...I'm all over that.

It's about time

2007-05-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

Four and a half years together
A three year old daughter

...and on Saturday, down on one knee, at the top of the city on Twin Peaks, he asked me to marry him.

The surprise was really that he asked, that he proposed, I mean, he brought the ring home for my approval (I responded OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT IT'S BEAUTIFUL!) and had it resized (it's still a half size too big, but good enough for me to wear today) it's just that he wanted to ask, wanted to propose to me in a way that suited me. Just me, him, and our wonderful daughter on top of the city, our city, where we met, where our daughter was born. Our city.

I suppose just as I didn't need to say yes, as in my mind we're married in every way but on paper, but he asked, and I said yes.

I'll post a pic of the ring when I get home, my Treo camera doesn't do justice to the ring :)

Truly a self revelation

2007-03-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

I caught a cold, my third since January. This one is definitely a "doing too much" and "trying to be super-Julie" cold. But I had to teach my prenatal yoga class this afternoon anyway, no runny nose or any other excuses would suffice.

As I was driving to class, I thought "I can still teach yoga even if I am not in the perfect mood and even if I don't feel well."

Then a red-tailed hawk flew overhead and since they're the messengers, in Native American tradition, I figured that's where the idea originated since it wasn't in my grumpy brain.

This may not seem like a big deal, but I guess I have this idea that to be a good yoga teacher I have to be in the right mood, sequence pre-planned and pre-practiced, and I have to be perfect. I can't show up as my imperfect messy self with the beginning of a cold because I need to be grounded, centered, and the model of yoga teachers everywhere.

I even admitted to my three students that I had the start of a cold from doing too much but I was happy to be teaching. And I *was* happy to be teaching!

Here's to divine imperfection!

Gratitude

2006-11-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

My angel card of the morning was Gratitude, and since my dear friend Stef is blogging gratitude currently, and since Thanksgiving is around the corner, it's time for my gratitude list...

I'm grateful for my new job, for being a part of something bigger than me, for feeling involved, feeling important, feeling valued.

I'm grateful for my partner T, I'm grateful that he works with me constantly to balance and juggle our schedules to provide care for our daughter. I'm grateful that for every disagreement, we both stay present and stay in the relationship and it keeps improving.

I'm grateful for my wonderful, smart, beautiful daughter Ava.

I'm grateful I'm going to Colorado to visit my mom in less than two weeks. I'm grateful vacation is right around the corner!

I'm grateful for the mom and baby pairs that show up in my weekly yoga class. I'm grateful for the opportunity to teach to this wonderful group. I'm also grateful for the $5, $30, and even a $90 check that came from teaching yoga!

Now back to work!

Lessons learned the hard way

2006-10-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

Last week I learned that when I don't have enough yoga for me, I don't have anything to give my students.

This week I learned that if I don't have anything to give to my students, they don't show up the following week.

Maybe this is something that happens frequently to new teachers, but after teaching two classes that went (reasonably) well I had some crazy idea that I knew what I was doing and I didn't need to practice my sequences before class. I barely scribbled out my sequence beforehand, much less practiced it.

Experience is such a accurate teacher. Yesterday I had one mom and baby pair show up for my class. Believe me, I was grateful for that one mom and baby pair, but also humbled in a big way because the mom is a much more experienced yogini than me. I felt like she would be the better teacher, 200 hour yoga training program or not.

I love small classes, and do see them as an opportunity to get to know one student and his/her body well vs. knowing a dozen students superfically. I loved that this one student showed up with her adorable 9 month old daughter who isn't crawling yet so I have no problem with her in my pre-crawling class.

I did my best, as best as I could for being unprepared. I had such a crazy day (up at 5am to do network engineer work, then working at Ava's school from 9-1) before I even got to the 2:30pm class that it's a miracle I could remember any asanas. But the restorative pose at the end...I just got the feeling that the supported badda konasana pose I put her into at the end made the class for her. Especially when she was trying to hold her daughter and relax at the same time, I said to her, "how about if you sit your daughter next to you and I'll play with her while you rest." This adorable little girl and I played peek-a-boo with a foam block for a while, to her delight, and then as she was sitting in front of me, I would peek on either side of her and whisper "boo!" She leaned into me and I felt...forgiven.

I asked whomever was on duty up above to give this mom five minutes of uninterrupted rest in this pose. And they listened, because her little girl played with me for seven.

The mom in my class asked for something I filed for future reference...how can we do more yoga with her baby? I'm playing with this idea, which is challenging, but a worthy challenge none the less.

This week, I go back to studying from my trusted teachers, humbled by my inexperience and arrogance.

I just pulled an angel card "for my mom and baby class": Transformation
And one for me right now: Patience

From The Angel Cards Book by Kathy Tyler and Joy Drake:

Transformation: Change happens when you take responsibility for your awareness and apply it to your everyday life, small moment by small moment.

Patience: Be fully available to the present and bring all of your attention to what is actually happening now. Relax into the flow of life.

(Wow!)

Paring things down

2006-10-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

When we last left our heroine (me) I had two jobs - my old one I didn't like but felt obligated to give obscene amount of notice before I left (2-1/2 months) - and my new one I like but didn't have time to do properly.

Well, as of last Saturday I was down to one job - the new one only. It's just starting to sink in that I only have two emails to check instead of three (personal, job #1, & job #2) and when I got a call on my mobile that clearly identified itself as a client site of my previous job, I didn't have to answer it. I didn't even have to feel guilty about not answering it. I hit the key to send that call right to voice mail, which the caller didn't leave, thankfully.

One job. I hardly knew how to manage my time today with only one company's work to do.

Plus, last week, which must have been the paring down of Julie's responsibilities week, I also talked to the owner of Elevation yoga studio about my mom & baby class that after five weeks has seen no moms and no babies. It's on the opposite side of town from me and I have to go there regardless of the lack of moms and babies, because there might possibly be one. So we agreed to cancel the class for now except a promotional one for a large, prominent San Francisco mother's group in a few weeks (where they have to pre-register - yay!). After that, we'll see. I really wanted to quit altogether, but super-responsible me, putting others wants ahead of me, said I would wait and see. A part of me, a loud part of me, keeps saying in my head, maybe after that I can find her another mom and baby yoga instructor.

I am teaching mom and baby yoga though - at another studio that is a mere 1 mile away from my house. It's a great space and with minimal advertising except posting on one key mailing list there were three mom and baby pairs at my first class three weeks ago. It's been a few more since, but not too many, which is perfect since teaching yoga is new enough to me and managing to remember some sort of reasonable sequence is hard to do when I'm pacifying one or two upset babies, much less twenty.

I learned something phenomenally simple and crucial this week though, and that is if I don't have enough yoga for myself during a week, it's much harder for me to teach yoga to others. If I don't have enough yoga for me, I don't have any to give away to my students. So I'm (trying to) fill up with practicing more yoga especially now that I'm down to one part-time job.

I also subbed a restorative class last weekend that was delicious. A few of the students were a bit dazed coming out, with that glossy eyed look of someone who just woke up from a really good nap, and I figured I did okay. I love teaching restorative - there's something great seeing people relax and rest.

So what's really strange about today is that now, at 9:51PM on a Monday I haven't fallen into an exhaustive sleep. For the last few months, or maybe the last year, I've fallen asleep at 8:30 or 9PM with my daughter. I lay down with her to help her fall asleep and I crash right along with her. I wondered why I needed 9-10 hours of sleep a night but did it anyway. I was tired! Now I wonder if this later night energy will stick around. Maybe it's the effect of working less? We shall see, my treasured audience, we shall see.

Julie, teacher of Mom & Baby yoga

2006-08-31T21:47:00.000-07:00

Today must be my lucky day. In the middle it seemed like a crazy, frantic, too much to do kind of day, and then I went to meet the owner of Elevation Pilates & Yoga about teaching a Mom & Baby yoga class. I guess I expected something more formal than, how about Thursdays at noon? But there you go. This is the same locale where I substitute taught for my friend Heather two weeks ago and happened to meet the owner. Oh yeah, and the owner has a 4-1/2 month old baby and is my guaranteed student!

Yesterday I taught a practice Mom & (Crawling) Baby yoga class with my fav pre/postnatal teacher Jane observing. Adding babies to the mix of a yoga class is definitely an adventure. I was blessed to have two students & their babies and I was blessed to have ONLY two students. I have to acknowledge my spontaneity ... I only planned this class on Saturday and managed to get two students I didn't know and a busy teacher to observe.

Jane had marvelous feedback - good stuff and constructive stuff. I learned that vinyasa is not for new moms and it's really good to acknowledge that whatever the babies do or need is just fine. I'm really glad my new class - starting Thursday 9/14 from noon - 1:30PM - will be babies that don't crawl yet.

Tonight I subbed a7:30PM hatha flow class at Elevation. The clock read 7:35 when my first and only student strolled in the door. "Am I late?" she asked, breathing quickly.

"No, you're just fine." I said a silent thank you to the dieties in charge and remembered one of my teachers saying that if you only have one student, teach it like a private session. So I did. For the first class ever, I didn't use an index card with a strict sequence. I asked my student what she wanted to do, which meshed beautifully with what I wanted to teach - easy vinyasa and a good restorative finish. I loved being able to lavish attention on one student without feeling divided. I love that this week I taught two yoga classes to people I'd never met before and overall they went really well. I have a long way to go before teaching becomes routine, and I relish the journey.

Talk of work and yoga and transitions

2006-08-24T07:39:00.000-07:00

Greetings, my loyal fan base of five, which include my close friends and mom!

I think frequently about how I should write what's going on with me on this self revelations blog, but alas, I am human and that fleeting moment when I have a poignant thought that would love publication is usually when I am driving and by the time I reach my destination the thought has evaporated.

Since we last left our heroine (me) I got my first check as a yoga instructor for teaching at my daughter's pre-pre-school. I scanned it so I have a copy forever and ever (for me, and the IRS as needed).

I've been bitching about my job for a while now, on and off really since I started 18 months ago. There are things I love about my job - and those things are people who have names identical to those of my co-workers. I love the team. But what I am completely and exhaustively tired of are the clients - the people at client sites who have dozens of problems with their computers that I get to fix and I'm somehow responsible for in the first place.

Then I got an email from a friend and ex-coworker from our fabulous company Scient that met with an ill-fated demise. The subject:

"Are you looking for work?"

And although I didn't think I was looking (funny how that is) I thought, if a gift horse trots it's way into my email, I better investigate. I better see if this new job is what I want to do.

So I found out, and it was precisely what I was looking for and wrote in my journal ages ago. It's a nonprofit, hours are super flexible, contract work so I'm not a chained down employee, it's web infrastructure work in a datacenter, not in an office fixing a kazillion problems. It's the stuff, if I have to work in computers, that I would rather be doing.

I gave notice at my present job, not the usual 14 days "take this job and shove it" but 14 days as usual, then 14 more days working a bit less, and rather an indefinite "I can do one day a week as long as you need me or are willing to pay me." Because, as I said, I love the team. I'm willing to live with the clients for a while longer because I love the team.

Other things are that I passed my yoga teacher training final exam.

I PASSED!!!!

I am now, just shy of the actual certificate, a certified yoga instructor. This week, with the laws of synchronicity helping me out, I substitute taught a yoga class to adults. Two adults, to be exact, but they were still adults and I still get paid to do it.

I also received my self-designed business cards, well I say self, but what that really means is that they are Stef-Becky-Diane-Shanta-T designed business cards. I'm grateful to be past the stage where I don't have to do things all by myself anymore. They're beautiful, I think they're beautiful, which is super-cool because how often do you look at a business card and say "that's beautiful"? Exactly. Not often at all. If you want one, send me a quick note or post something here and I'll mail you one :)

Now though, looking at the clock, it's time for me to eat the rest of breakfast and head to one of those client sites with people that want me to fix their computers. But it's much easier to do a job I don't like when I know there's an end to it.

Success and Moods

2006-08-03T17:00:00.000-07:00

I woke up in one hell of a mood this morning. Of course, Ava's mood was bad because my mood was bad. Poor T, having to tolerate and pacify two moody girls in the same home.

I figured out after a bit that I hadn't eaten since 1PM the day before, except a snack bag of cheetos and four or five mini chocolates. I went to a great gentle yoga class after work nd forgot to eat.

Then I talked to Becky, who is indelibly good at playing "name that mood" and she guessed why. But first, the good news.

I got my first ever payment as a yoga instructor! I got my first check from LPW for teaching toddler yoga! Not enough to pay the mortgage, for sure, but it does cover the cost of mats I've bought for the classes.

So Becky's guess...that I got a check for yoga and it's not enough to make any major changes in my life, but it sure makes me frustrated with the life, especially the JOB, I have now.

Since yoga teacher training ended last weekend I've been moody anyway. I'm starting to take baby-bear sized steps towards teaching yoga classes, getting help from those around me, but mostly I hate my job. I'm just done, done DONE with desktop support, the same job I had ten years ago and meandered and stomped my way away from. A year and a half of this and I am so DONE!

There's something looming on the horizon though, that I'm not ready to admit to the Internet yet.

But I have a check. For seventy eight whole dollars. Yoga isn't paying the mortgage yet, but it will pay most of my mobile phone bill.

Yoga Delivery: it's a start!

2006-07-24T08:31:00.001-07:00

I have put up a teaser page on my domain since creating the web page content seems more than my brain can handle right now. It took me most of last week and the input of two trusted friends (Thanks Becky and Stef!) to get the logo to look just right...plus some hasty brush up on how to use Illustrator!

Ta da...introducing the first page of yoga delivery:

www.yogadelivery.com

Useful and specific feedback - positive and negative - welcomed. If you hate it, please tell me WHY so I can decide if I agree with you or not! Same for love it!

Yoga Delivery: it's a start!

2006-07-24T08:31:00.000-07:00

Thirty seven

2006-07-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday I celebrated my thirty-seventh birthday. It feels strange to be 37. Is that old? Is that young? The other day I was grabbing a bite to eat with another yoga teacher trainee and she was concerned about being too old to go to law school. "But you're young, right?" She asked me. I said, "I'm about to be 37 - is that young?" Turned out she was 26 and thought I was younger than her.

I have a hard time trying to figure out who is in their thirties. Most of the time I can tell who is in their twenties and who is in their forties, but thirties? People in their thirties are so...differentiated. I look up actresses I admire periodically on imdb.com to figure out how old they are. Sandra Bullock is 41, but turns 42 on July 26th. Uma Thurman is 36. Molly Ringwald (where did she disappear to?) is 38. Nicole Kidman turned 39 in June. Madonna is 11 years older than me - she's 48, which seems incredulous.

Anyway...this is how I had planned to celebrate my thirty-seventh year on the planet.

8am - call with one client to help fix his blackberry
9:30Am - massage with Stu
12:15pm - assist with Darren's restorative yoga class
1:45 - take Brook's practice yoga class
8pm - go see a guitarist I'd never heard of called Tommy Emanuel with my friend Becky

But this is what really happened -
8:30am - got email from my dear friend Stef inviting me to birthday lunch - of course said YES and cancelled restorative class
9am- couldn't fix the blackberry by phone and had to come into the office; first moved massage to 10am, but even that didn't work so moved it to Friday.
12noon - lunch with Stef!
1:45pm - practice class with Brook
3:30pm - home for a bit but got surprise call from Becky wanting to stop by - sure!
4:30 pm - Becky showed up with a box of beautiful flowers from my MOM! As in the Mom that is in colorado and had them delivered.
6pm - left for concert to stand in line with Scott & Beck and keep them entertained
8pm started the music, first up Bluehouse who were wonderful, and then, I was awed and stunned and shocked out of my pants by what Tommy Emmanuel could make a guitar do. he's just amazing.
12midnight - my car started making this horrid metallic rattling noise on the 25 mile drive home. I asked my car to please make it home safely with minimal damage. She's in the shop today and it turns out something that holds something else on got loose and it's only going to be $150 instead of the thousands I was envisioning.

Happy 37 to me...

Toddler sized yoga failure

2006-06-27T19:00:00.000-07:00

Today I taught my second ever toddler yoga class.

And I bombed.

I had thought having nursery music coordinated to specific poses would work. It didn't. It was a noisy loud distraction where last week singing went better. I thought a lot of running around things first would help; it didn't. It meant that the eight toddlers wanted to run around the whole class, except Ava who wanted to cling to my leg.

We ended after half an hour and I felt like a complete failure. A failure like I haven't felt in ages, but perhaps that is because I've been running on auto-pilot for a while now and not taking risks. Jumping halfway instead of to infinity and beyond.

I'm pacifying my feelings of failure with a glass of wine. And the three cookies I ate out of the bag in the car on the way home from the grocery store.

T showed up shortly after I got home and after hearing my deflated story told me the two dozen ways that I did not fail, and even if I felt like I did, I showed up. I tried to teach eight toddlers something about yoga. He said it was okay if my idea of bingeing was three cookies and one glass of wine (consequently followed by broccoli and TJ's organic mac and cheese shells).

But I wish I could have failed in private, I whined, not in front of two parents in our co-op.

Ah-ha! He laughed, that's the issue! Failure is okay as long as nobody else knows then?

Busted. I guess that isn't the point of failure, is it? Instead of wrapping the story of failure around me like an itchy blanket, I have to laugh at myself. I'm not ready to laugh, just yet. Maybe in ten more minutes.

Long time no blog, expect rambling

2006-06-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

Did I really last post on June 1st? Could it really be possible that with all of the thoughts having a marching parade in my head none of them have made it to this blog?

I guess so.

In truth, I was sick for about two weeks, and only yesterday did I feel mostly normal. Strep throat made a home in my body and after a week of suffering I finally drug my spaced-out and exhausted body to the UCSF acute care clinic, waited (im)patiently for a couple hours, helped another mom entertain her two year old boy with a sample jar of playdoh I keep in my bag for that reason, and when I finally saw the nurse practitioner found out I had a temperature of 101 degrees. I thought I felt warm, but heck, what did I know?

Strep throat, she declared, she was quite sure, and gave me an Rx for penicillin. I asked if I should work at Ava's pre-pre-school that day.

"No." Very clear, no hint of doubt. So I scrambled to find coverage and thanks to a good friend and another parent got my time slot covered and went back to laying on the couch when I wanted a change of scenery from my bedroom. Plus I could order an on-demand movie on the couch.

I really thought I would never get better. In the middle of being madly ill it's like that for me - I can't see the light. It was strange enough that after 7 days of being sick I did not feel at all better than day 1. I had a shift in symptoms over the days, but no progress towards wellness.

Penicillin, that's good stuff. I almost never take any kind of pill except a vitamin now and then, so when I do, it works! I was happy about that when I delivered my baby (natural childbirth may be a good thing for others, but I transformed from exhausted viscious pre-mom to ebullient when the epidural hit my system) and I was happy last weekend when two days into penicillin I started feeling better.

Yesterday, though, I actually had energy! Not normal Julie-levels, but enough to put me in a good mood.

I always try and figure out why I get some sickness or another. Colds usually mean I have been going too fast and need to slow down. Take a break. Stay in my pajamas for a day and read books or magazine articles. I didn't know what strep throat was trying to tell me. I thought maybe it had to do with creativity since the throat is the chakra to do with creativity and communication. I tried to be creative by reading SARK's book on making creative dreams real, but I felt more exhausted. I couldn't think of one dream that sounded like a mildly good idea. I could barely get excited for my first kid's yoga class that I taught last Tuesday.

In truth, my brain has been really busy lately. Of course I haven't been meditating. Of course I was trying to do too much busy yoga. Of course I was thinking that I had to do everything within the same milisecond.

The week that I was really sick and stayed home from work, I did my best to practice yoga. When I couldn't sleep because I couldn't breathe out of my nose I would practice savasana upright on pillows. I practiced poses from Light on Yoga's section on helping relieve colds and coughs, which included sirsasana (head stand).

I've been so panicked about doing enough yoga it's amazing I have been able to do any at all. This week I gave myself a break and as it turned out I did plenty to meet my quota. Between practicing the series I taught to toddlers, starting the practice outlined in Yoga The Iyengar Way, and going to exactly one class this week (Restorative, which was wonderful!), I remembered why the 12-step folks have that great adage:

Easy does it.

This took me a long time to comprehend, but when I did, Easy became my friend. Like Buffalo taking the path of least resistance, Easy says, it's okay, you're doing enough, faster and harder aren't better they're just more tiring.

I thought at the end of the Restorative class, what if I made up a class called Easy Yoga. (The domain is already taken, I checked.) It wouldn't be high impact, fast paced yoga, it would be, well, easy. It would be enough, and because of that, would likely do great things.

I haven't figured out if I want to teach adults. I've been assisting in pre-natal classes and I love giving to the nearly Mamas. Yoga gave so much to me as a pre-mom and newly-mom that I would love to give back. I don't know yet though - I may just have a great admiration and respect for the teacher.

Toddlers - they're going to be fun. They're crazy, unpredictable, challenging, charming, and completely adorable. My first class this week went well and I have ideas for how to expand it this week.

There are six weeks left of my yoga teacher training; this is a great thing in that I will have my weekends back. This is a sad thing in that I've become attached to seeing all the great people in my class every week. I always wish I could make friends easier, that I could take the first step towards new people and cross the great divide between acquaintance and friend. In truth, I'm one of those who has a small number of friends I value greatly. I don't always call, but I value them.

Today I went to a baby shower for one of the mom's in Ava's playgroup. The playgroup started over 18 months ago and I looked at the other five moms today and realized something. They're not just moms in the playgroup; they are my friends. Sometimes our personalities sumo wrestle in the background but I value each of them and they have all contributed to me. I'm the least predictable member of the group with a PT job, yoga training, and slices of time for Ava but they haven't given me the boot. I'm the only one of us that isn't either pregnant or nursing a second child but they still welcome me. This is really cool.

Then I have my friend who I will call Becky, because that's her name, who brought me a care package the week that I was super-sick including western medicine (chicken soup) and eastern medicine (miso soup) with a bunch of other goodies. (The clips are awesome, btw, and adorning three things in my cabinet that were previously clipless!)

I'm grateful. I'm extremely grateful that I had enough energy for the excellent class today on twists (sans Chubby) and I gleaned an extra slice of time tonight by not falling asleep at 9pm with Ava. I am grateful to feel better! Grateful that I have great friends that I don't call often enough but I hope know that I treasure and adore them.

Upside Down

2006-06-01T17:06:00.000-07:00

I was stressed out before I even got to work today. Somehow getting back from a long weekend and a vacation in Maui has made me less understanding about everyone's urgent and critical computer issues. I knew a cornucopia of them were waiting for me at my Thursday client.

Half way through the morning I was about to run away and never come back. So I self-prescribed my favorite yoga pose:

Headstand.

I do this in the back hallways, and always wonder if one of the people in the office will walk by and see. Part of me hopes they do, because I'm quite proud that I can do a headstand easily. But I suppose that's my ego talking. I guess to I want someone to ask me why Julie, why are you doing a headstand in the back hallway on the 22nd floor of an office building in downtown San Francisco?

Why, indeed. Because the world feels right side up again after I've been upside down for 30 seconds. I don't know why, but this is true, at least for me.

And did it help? OH YEAH!!!

Aloha from Lahaina

2006-05-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

For all of my friends who might normally receive a postcard, please consider this your postcard. I'll add a pic when I return!

Maui is more than we imagined. This is T's second trip, my first. On his first trip a couple years ago he was here with a convention that had him inside conference rooms from 8AM to 8PM at an expensive hotel that in his words, wasn't worth the money.

He swore he'd never come back, but when I was searching for a vacation locale I ruled out Mexico and came up with Hawaii. I decided I wanted to keep my tourism dollars in the US, thank you.

Fine, he said, I'll go to Maui.

That's all the background, since then, we have had a serendipitious, wondrous, adventurous trip. We woke at 5:30AM the first full day (PDT finally came in handy) and drove the road to Hana. We swam in one of the seven sacred pools which are not actually sacred but just very cold. T jumped from a 15 foot waterfall into the super cold water as I treaded water. We congratulated ourselves on leaving early enough that all of the tour buses were behind us. We ignored the car rental warnings and took the gravel road back and marveled at the microclimates of the east side of Maui. Within minutes we drove through arid valleys, lush mountains, and rain that disappeared unceremoniously. We stopped at a Napa-esce winery along the way but didn't care for the pineapple wine.

We arrived back at the Royal Lahaina Resort around 4:30 and I chose the restaurant du noir by opening a page in a restaurant guide. Feast of Lele it was...we called and they had one cancellation five minutes earlier. The price tag was a bit biting at $105pp but we jumped at it and didn't regret. It helped when they said those magic words... "open bar." The dancing was marvelous and the food was original and tasty. The people next to us said they had made their reservation two weeks in advance and we just smiled with the laws of synchronicity on our side.

Tuesday I leaped into my fears of salt water in my eyes as we took a two hour SURFING lesson! As it would turn out the main prinicples of surfing are balance and focus. For my YT readers, does that sound familiar? To get up on the board, the first move looks remarkably like up-dog. I did get up about 4 or five times and have pics to prove it, as well as the board rash on my inner elbows. Was it worth it? HELL YES! Yes, I got water in my eyes, yes it stung, yes it was likely my sunscreen, but I was surfing!!! Our instructor was this super-cool local named Donnie who could have been Cheech's cousin. HIs first piece of advice for me: don't give up on yourself. Yikes. For the record, I am counting these two hours towards my weekly yoga quota.

Wednesday we went snorkeling with the Pacific Whale Foundation people and a hundred other tourists. We swam with turtles at Turtle Town (I saw two, T saw two different ones) and later swam at Molokini Crater where we saw a super cool pink and blue neon fish among others. Last night for dinner we drove into Lahaina - a cool little beach town down the road from our hotel that remindes me of Key West. We ate at Cheeseburger in Paradise sitting at the bar chit-chatting with the bartender who did admit that at the end of the night the servers separate the receipts with phone numbers from the ones that don't.

Today we leave on a midnight flight (to Georgia, no, just to Vegas) and are trying to keep the Aloha in our hearts for a little bit longer. We're getting side by side massages on the beach in about half an hour and going to the Aquarium this afternoon when we check out of the hotel.

The Royal Lahina Resort is a great 3 star place with friendly staff. Having worked for a five star hotel in the early 90s had tainted me once, but now I am a down to earth 3 star hotel kind of girl. Give me a decent bed, clean sheets, and a surf I can hear from my room and I'm a happy girl. For the record, I booked air/hotel on Hotwire three weeks in advance and got excellent prices.

Enough for now, aloha and I'll see you all soon.

When things line up

2006-05-17T19:57:00.000-07:00

On nights like these I don't know quite what to do with myself. Ava was delivered to me asleep at 7:10PM and since she didn't nap today I figure she's out for the night. My mind races with the twenty things it could do in my free two hours. I can't leave the house because I'm not moving the sleeping toddler, but there are all these things that could use doing.

I've had enough yoga for the day. I led my second of two volunteer classes for a group of 12 year old girls training for a 5k race on Sunday. There was one girl in particular who was quite the chatter box. I got my biggest lesson though when I realized that the girls on one side of me were all following along, and the girls on the other side were all chatting...I just taught the ones who were paying attention!

In my not too distant past, as in yesterday, I would have paid more attention to the ones who weren't listening. I would have been angry, or upset, or tried harder to get their attention. Today I just turned to face the four girls that were doing their best to follow my instruction. I adjusted their poses and praised their efforts. Then I noticed most of the other half were paying attention again so I said "welcome back" and sat so everyone could see me. I got the most chagrin when I demonstrated virabhadrasana three and arda chandrasana, as in "I can't do that!" but I just said "try, see what happens."

It took a few miracles to get me to the class today. Yesterday I was full of reasons why I couldn't lead this class even though I loved it last time. Too busy, can't take the time away from work, only have six yoga mats and I need ten, such valid excuses. But I dusted off my excuses and told myself yesterday afternoon I was going to Big 5 and I was going to buy four mats, even if they were $20 a piece I'll need them for my kids class in June.

I walk to the aisle and they're on SALE! Instead of $19.99 they're $11.99! Okay, fine, I tell whomever is listening in the Universe, I'll teach the class.

Of course today lined up perfectly and I wasn't even missed when I left my last client at 3PM. Of course the girls remembered me from three weeks ago and some were even excited about yoga today.

Of course I realized that I just adore teaching this age group. I adore teaching girls, this age, on this edge of puberty, on this fragile, fertile ground when they're at risk of forgetting how wonderful they are.

Teaching the toddlers will be fun; I know it will. There is something about teaching girls this age how to focus, how to find the strength and power in their bodies that are changing rapidly and sometimes not rapidly enough. Maybe I'm trying to reclaim myself when I was 12. Maybe I wish yoga was a part of my life then. Maybe I just want to share this gift with them and see what happens.

Now though, that I've completed one of those things on my list, I'll open my last remaining unopened yoga book on Anatomy of Movement and get my brain a little more prepared for this weekend's yoga classes on anatomy.

Ground for potent change

2006-05-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

I believe something powerful and potent is happening in my body. On Tuesday I went to see my trusted homeopath and mentioned a few ailments and as a last thought that I've had a minor bit of congestion for a while. She said I've had the congestion for six weeks (which sounds right), okay, I look in my calendar having no clue what would have happened six weeks ago. No, nothing obvious, but wait, it was a close relative's wedding anniversary and her husband passed away two years ago.

It's not about me specifically. I picked up some kind of virus about this so my homeopath cleared it and sent me on my way. Since then I got conjunctivitis (pink eye) in my left eye and an off and on sinus headache & congestion combo. It's all the virus - starting with my gall bladder that is somehow connected to my (poor) hearing and perhaps even my (poor) vision.

The pink eye is getting less pink, fortunately, and today's yoga training class gave me more energy than I've had in four days. During class I was thumbing through my copy of Light on Yoga by Mr. BK Iyengar himself and found a bit on remedy poses for gall bladders. I thought, just for fun, I would insert into my semi-predictable home practice the poses recommended for gall bladder issues. Just to try, experiment, and see what happens. A bunch of them I've been doing already, to my surprise, but I'm going to see if there is anything new I may add.

Because I believe something major is happening in my body, that through all of these hours and hours of yoga I'm blasting through some major blocks and things are coming up. Things, emotional things, stored in places in my body that are stuck.

I took on this class because I wanted to teach kids yoga. Some more intelligent part of me knew yoga would heal me in the process.

Thank you Becky!!!!

2006-05-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

Meaningless drivel and life as a temporary single mom

2006-05-02T20:03:00.000-07:00

Ava is taking a super-long nap that started at 4PM with a required 5 minute cry-to-sleep-time since she was in nap resistance and now it's just creeping past 8PM and I wonder if she's calling it a night.

This week I'm impersonating a single Mom. T is down south taking care of work and I am coordinating and conducting the babysitters throughout each day I have yoga or work. Sunday I decided, after stressing about this week in advance with angst and tears, that everything would work out OKAY. Somehow, someway, even though four different babysitters are involved including one who hadn't even met Ava yet, it would all work out.

I'm halfway through the Single Mom week and it is working out! I don't know how, but it is! Saturday during yoga it was our teenage babysitter from across the street; Sunday it was my Mother in law who picked Ava up two hours early and I got to go to a yoga class! Monday was real fun - the morning was a friend from the Yoga Teacher Training (who teaches toddlers here) whom Ava just loved immediately (yes, can you hear my sigh of relief all the way across the Internet?) and the afternoon was my Mother in law again. Today I was off, although it was hard to tell with the five or twelve calls I got from clients and coworkers. Tomorrow and Thursday the featured babysitter is a close family friend who loves Ava as if she was related by blood. Friday, blessedly, T returns and I will run far, far away but be back in time for yoga class at 8PM.

It's kind of fun, the way vacations are a break from reality fun. I miss T, but as I told him, this week I only have my own stress to deal with, so as long as I'm not stressed, the house is stress free. I'm such a sponge that I pick up his stress and magnify it, even if he's downstairs watching TV and I'm reading upstairs.

I don't know what I came here to write, but it's kind of like morning pages when I haven't done them for weeks and suddenly there's a flood of words when I pick up a pen.

Speaking of Morning Pages (MP's), I just picked them back up this week. My little exercise to get up early enough to meditate before my family woke tripped over its shoelace. Get up early? Ha! HA HA! So for the last four weeks or so I haven't meditated or done MP's in the morning and I've been a skattered mess. Well, not so much with all the yoga, but more skattered than I like to be.

Sunday marked the first day of Return To MP's (RTMP), while Ava slept, and also Monday before I went to work. Today the RTMP wasn't quite so tidy, one page in bed, second page while Ava fed herself Cherioos and strawberries and asked five times for "mo pees juice" which then spilled down her legs and all over the floor because I gave her a real cup instead of a sippy. The third page got finished right before the spilled juice that left a clean spot on the otherwise dirty floor.

But it's so nice to dump all of my meaningless drivel and droplets onto those blank white pages! It's so wonderful even if reading them will be pointless. Okay, so I had dreams about vampires, I mean really, so what? The so what is - that stuff is out of my head. I could kiss the picture of Julia on the back of the AW I'm so delighted!

Maybe someday I will be good at meditating. Maybe someday when a toddler doesn't sit in my lap or put soft plush music playing toys in my lap. Maybe, but for now, writing those three pages is my meditation. It may not be what ancient yogis had in mind, but it works for me.

Five Roses Tea

2006-04-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

Last night in my yoga teacher training the topic was the Yoga Sutra of Patanjali. Before class I tried to read the book and got to page 12 in the introduction before I gave up and went back to reading Urban Mystic written by Darren Main, my instructor. It's much more readable, understandable, and I figured I'd wait until after the lecture. After all, I didn't expect the Yoga Sutra to be like a murder-mystery where if I heard the story before reading I would learn the secret identity of Patanjali.

As it would turn out, nobody really knows who Patanjali is anyway - there are rumors he was a poet but nobody knows.

But I digress, as usual, so this is what I learned last night:

There are four chapters in the Yoga Sutra. Not to be confused with the Kama Sutra because this isn't really about sex, except in the sense that yoga is about everything in life which means it's about sex also.

The Sutra is really about 12 pages of one line concepts, if you will, that make up everything there is to know about yoga except the poses. Yep, yoga is brain food first and body food second. The first chapter is wrapped around this one concept: all suffering originates at the level of the mind. Everything everyone suffers over starts first in the brain.

Now if you happen to be a 12-stepper or maybe a Landmarker or maybe even a follower of the Course in Miracles, you've heard this before. This follows my thought that there is one truth and a bunch of books and lectures written around this one truth. But think about it for a moment, as I did, being a past 12-stepper (Al-Anon fortunately, don't have any addictions to my name that I know of) and a past Landmarker (all the yoga psychology really sounds like Landmark dressed in plain clothes, by the way) and a dabbler in the Course in Miracles via Marianne Williamson.

So think for a moment - everything that causes you to suffer, including everyone that causes you to suffer is really just something you made up in your 8 pound brain. The good news is that although we have (meaning I) patterns of behavior that go back as long as we've been alive, and longer if you are in the reincarnation-believing group like me, we can break those patterns.

We can stop doing things that don't work once we realize they're just patterns. Or if we choose to do things that we know aren't in our highest good or nutrition or body care we can do them consciously.

This morning, you see, I had a dilemma. I was tired. My hipflexors were shouting at me in dull aches, my abs - all four groups of them - were chattering also. After five yoga classes this week and a couple hours of home practice, as well as sitting on the ground for two hours of lecture last night, I've really overdone yoga this week.

So my dilemma was whether to make coffee this morning. I have a Trader Joe's half-caf version, but coffee doesn't do my body good. It makes me awake for a bit but then it makes me crash worse than a Krispy Kreme donut. I like the taste, which is a problem. So I stared at the Kitchen Aid coffee pot thinking, I can make coffee, I can drink the coffee, but in no way can I pretend that the coffee is good for me.

What did I do? I looked for tea. I had exactly two bags of caffinated tea in my house, one of which was a lonely bag of Five Roses Tea from South Africa.

I'm such a nostalgic. I bought a box of Five Roses when I was in South Africa. It is such a yummy mild, full bodied tea in the English tradition. But when it came to drinking that final tea bag, I had to keep it. I was in Africa three and a half years ago, and yet I still have this tea bag!

This morning I enjoyed that lone bag of Five Roses. I'll pay a price for the dose of caffeine, but I'm walking into this cup eyes wide open, savoring the taste knowing later today I'll be sleepy. It's like I told my client a while back about Oreos. She said the office manager was considering stopping the supply of Oreos in their office kitchen because they're not good for us.

I looked at her and said, "I don't eat Oreos because they're good for me. I know they're not. If I wanted something good for me I'd eat that banana. I eat Oreos full knowing that it's for the taste."

That, is chapter one of the Yoga Sutra of Patanjali. And whoever Patanjali may be, you were one wise bloke.

When the family is away...

2006-04-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

...Mom goes to yoga!

I've hit an all time Julie record. 3.5 hours of yoga in one day. 30 minutes this morning (yoga and meditation) before work. 1.5 hour vinyasa kick-my-butt class at 4PM and 1.5 hour restorative try-to-get-my-brain-to-relax class at 7:45PM.

WOO HOO!

I have actually done all of my 6 requisite weekly practice hours already. Okay, I've done 7.25 already AND assisted in a class on Tuesday. I am trying to bust through this block that has my hips stuck. I'm so close I can feel it or maybe what I feel is the ache in my right knee from the super-tight right hip.

Tomorrow I'm assisting in a prenatal class. If there is one thing I envy of pregnant women is the openness in their hips! I wish I'd thought to take advantage of the flexibility I had when I was carrying Ava, but I was too busy being big and waddling to notice. Either that or I was caught up in a tumultuous mood swing. Okay, I'll work with my hips how they are now instead of aching for how they were preparing to deliver a child.

Speaking of child...my house seems emptier by the day. The cats are great but they aren't filling the space - the chasm - left by T and our little girl. Doing my best to enjoy the days but I'm looking forward to being Mom again on Monday when they return.

Yes...please steal my idea for rolling the die to figure out what you're doing! So glad to be of help!

Luxury of time

2006-04-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

I am trying to remember what I did with my time before Ava. I know when I was prego I worked 3 days a week. When I wasn't working I swam and practiced pre-natal yoga. But what about the rest of the time? I must have written in my journals, I could go dig them out. Maybe I had time to read for pleasure, not just for my latest project?

This week T gave me a giant, giant gift. He had to go to So Cal for part work, part fun and took Ava along. They left yesterday, and yes, the house is pin-drop silent, pardon the cliche. Mostly I'm just wondering what to do with the time? I have so many projects going on in my 8 pound brain that this morning I did morning pages for the first time in a week to clear out my head. I made a list of six things that I could do with my day:

1: yoga
2: research for latest book project
3: write latest book project
4: read one of the ten thousand books required for yoga teacher training
5: rewrite the fragments of a memoir I started four years ago
6: something else

This is my way, when I get stuck. I make a list of six things, and then, can you guess what I do?

Six things...guess. I roll a single die and see where it lands.

This morning, at 7:30AM it landed on #1. Yoga. Okay, do I practice at home or go to a 9AM class? How to decide...I flip a quarter.
Heads = head out the door
Tails = stay put

It was heads, so I went to Christopher's 9AM class. I will report, the practice thoroughly kicked my butt.

It's so hard when I have a whole day without even the limitations of a babysitter to figure out what to do first. Then what to do next. I keep telling myself that even if I do nothing it's okay. I could lounge around and pretend I like drinking in bars or something or watching prime time TV and it would all be okay. What I really wonder is what did I do with all that time before Ava? When there was nothing between me and an afternoon nap? This is a mystery. I mean, really, I must have done something with all that time.

When I got home from yoga I ate on the back deck and enjoyed the beautiful San Francisco sunshine. I feel alive now that the sun is back after it's long absence. What am I going to do next, I wondered, and rolled that die again.

#3: write on my book

Of course I had to clean the kitchen first, eat more frosting on the Easter cake, and procrastinate in a half dozen ways before I was ready to write. To my utter surprise, the words were there, waiting to be written.

Now though I am rambling, and procrastinating, because it's time for #2: research for book.

All good when you know where to focus

2006-04-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

Greetings!

After a week of agonizing over the work decision...do I work 5 days? Do I work 4? I spent the weekend, when I wasn't in yoga. with my family and realized that they are my priority. Ava is bouncing into those famous 2-year-old tantrums and they're my problem, not one I want to hand to a daycare provider. She's still so little, figuring out the world, and the two weekdays I have with her are precious.

I stressed so much because I was trying to fit yoga and Ava in to a 5 day workweek and it just wasn't working. Sure, money is good. It's necessary. But I'd rather have less money at the moment to have more time for Ava and time for myself and yoga.

Thank you Eliza...I loved your post. Your words were needed and perfect. And thanks Stef, you were right on.

Tales of Eagle eggs and career quandries

2006-04-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those frantic, everything is on fire kind of days. My financial services client in SF needs accounting data restored from last nights backup and I've been having backup issues for the last three days. At three other clients there are also fires to fight.

But right now I'm waiting on hold. I thought I'd check my yahoo mail for something to relax me and I opened a newsletter from the SF Zoo (I'm a member - with a toddler I go to the zoo - a LOT).

The first article was about eagles that have mated at the zoo and a picture of two baby chicks:

How exciting is that? Baby eagles. The zoo raises some to about 1 week and then placed in wild nests on Catalina Island.

I wonder if it's strange for the adult eagles to suddenly have chicks where before they had none? Do they see them as a gift from the Great Eagle?

The zoo raises the rest of the chicks to 7-8 weeks and puts those on Santa Cruz island.

All to help the declined population of bald eagles wiped out from the use of DDT which made their shells too thin to hatch eggs.

I then followed a link (http://www.enn.com/today.html?id=10091) to a story about the first bald eagle egg laid on Santa Cruz island in 50 years!

This gives me hope; hope for the future; hope for a world I want my daughter to inherit.

I have a dilemma of a more personal nature, although what can be more personal than Bald Eagles, I ask? I have a career dilemma.

On Tuesday I had dinner with my manager and the owner of the company. I currently work 3 days a week, but their invitation was to work full time and take on a slightly different but better in some ways, more challenging in others sort of role.

The owner also threw in a couple hints about Ava's future school (and he meant elementary + high school!) being $400K and what about money I need to save for my future. I know, he was trying to appeal to my sense of security and desire to take care of my daughter, but it bugged me. Not in a way I noticed at first, but over the last couple days.

I get that I need to save for my future, and I'm probably not saving enough. Sure, I can make more than double my current earnings by working 5 days vs. 3. I know that. The dilemma I'm facing is whether to move towards a future of technology, which doesn't ignite any sort of passion in me at all. At all. Twelve years in technology has sucked all of the passion out of it. Or do I stay with 3 days a week but leave time to be with Ava, leave time for writing, and leave time for yoga.

I feel like there are two divergent paths in front of me. I feel if I took this job I would be working a lot - a minimum of 45 hours a week - and I keep thinking that my one and only child is still a little girl. She turned 2 yesterday and as independent as she's getting, she still needs me. Am I crazy to give up significant money for time with my daughter?

I have worked those crazy hours - even crazier. I fear going down that path again, because then I was passionate about technology, now I'm not. Now I would be doing it for money, and I really don't do anything well doing it for money.

Argh...

On the fun side of things, I led my first ever yoga class yesterday. It was about ten minutes long and with one person - the 60 year old office manager at my Wednesday client site. Woo hoo! I made up a pose I called downward-desk-dog with hands on the edge of the desk leaning back into the hips. Now that was fun!

I shall keep you posted.

The Hamstring is connected to the Rhomboid

2006-04-05T09:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I drove down to see Diane, my wonderful homeopathic doctor in San Jose. I see her about once a month or so for various things, but yesterday I wanted to ask her about the tightness/soreness in my right hip.

Although I have lots of distraction issues in my home with meditation, the kicker is my right hip is really, really sore when I go to stand up after meditating. I've asked yoga instructors about this (they said leg alignment), I asked a physical therapist who led our yoga training last Sunday (she said tight hamstrings, be careful in forward folds), and finally I asked Diane.

She said the block was from fear and it goes back 25 generations on both sides of my family. Okay, that's strange, I know, but she hasn't led me wrong in the past five years I've seen her, so I believe until proven wrong.

Then the more practical thing she said was that the tightness in my hamstrings is connected to tightness in my rhomboid muscles (back shoulderblade) on my left side. So she recommended I stretch the rhomboids to help my hamstrings by taking my left arm straight across my upper chest, cradling my right upper arm bone (humerous? I forget) in my left hand. Rest. Repeat.

So far my hip was still sore after meditating cross legged for 20 minutes, but I'll report back on progress. As for the fear bit, I've been focusing my breath and sending love to that aching spot on my hip.

Meditating With A Toddler

2006-04-04T07:07:00.000-07:00

I wish I could write that the execution of my decision to practice yoga and meditate every morning instead of doing morning pages was easy. It could be easy except for a few things in my household.

Sunday was the first morning I tried this. I wanted to get up before my family but the time change threw a frog in the works. I practiced yoga for about 10 minutes and then settled down to meditate with my legs crossed, anticipating already that my right hip and knee would be aching by the time I was complete. I told myself it didn't matter that Ava, my little girl who turns two tomorrow, was awake, that seeing me sit quietly for 20 mintues would be new but in time she'd get used to it.

For the first five minutes I listened to her happy babble as she walked around the room with her cheerios. Then something heavy sat in my lap that smelled vaguely of warm pee. No worries, it was Ava in a wet diaper I hadn't changed yet. I brought my mind back again and again as she sat in my lap. Maybe she was meditating too? After all, it would be really strange to see super-busy Mom sitting still for a while. After a while she got up and I resumed my attention to breathing. I peeked at the clock. Ten minutes complete; ten to go.

A couple minutes passed and something soft was put in my lap. Then the something soft started playing baa, baa black sheep. I opened my eyes and it was this frog. Ava pushed his hand so he would play classical bedtime music, put her hands together in the sleep sign at her head. I couldn't help it, I started laughing. I wondered if anyone, anywhere had ever had to meditate with Leap Frog Baby Tad in their lap.

Five minutes to go, I can do this. If I can meditate now, I can do it anytime, anywhere, with any distraction. I moved Baby Tad to the floor and sat quietly. I did make it, not through the tribulations that past heros and warriors had to battle as they calmed their minds, but through the everyday normal household activities of a Mom with a toddler.

Yesterday morning I got up before them. What a treat to meditate in the darkness of 6AM with candles! I was more calm than after morning pages!

Today though, Ava woke first after sleeping an unusual 11 and a half hours (6:30PM to 6AM). Oh no. Yoga practice happened around her on the mat. Baby cobra happened with her sitting on my back legs; downward dog with her sitting in the umbrella created by my bent torso. While she brushed her teeth (asking three times for more "paste") I did about five sun salutes to stretch the aches out of my body.

Now she's dumping her dry cheerios into her booster seat and buckling the seat belt. Perhaps so they are not injured if the chair stops abruptly? I will never know.

I'm going to meditate now and I will report back on the distractions.

p.s. from 4/5
This morning I had to get up at 4:45AM to have time to yoga/meditate before getting to Mountain View by 7. I thought, finally!, a slice of perfect quiet. Then T woke up, walked over and sat in my lap imitating Ava from Monday. I couldn't help but laugh!

AW Check In Week 12 and Acknowledgements

2006-04-01T18:18:00.000-08:00

If I don't do this final check-in, will that mean it's not over yet?

TASKS
1. MPs
I did them 7/7 days, but yesterday and today they were afternoon pages. MPs are a great tool and lead me to good places, but I'm going to take a break and meditate instead. I want to start meditating as part of my yoga training, but waking early enough to do MPs, and meditate, and practice yoga is not proving feasible. So I'm switching out one form of meditation (MPs) for another (sitting meditation and watching my breath). I'm going to play with this for a week. I'll let you all know what happens, especially with this pesky time change.

2. Artist Date
I didn't mean to, but today I had an entire day! My morning activity, which is going to sound strange, bizarre, slightly gross but in my experience was cool beyond words I label an artist date:

I went to a cadaver lab, one of the few remaining in the country, and got to see dissected people and all the bones, muscles, organs and such I've been learning about in yoga training. Not to gross you all out or anything, but I held a heart in my hand. I held a brain. (Yes, I was wearing gloves). I saw the sciatic nerve. I saw lots of muscles. I saw a spinal cord. The smell got to me and I had a classmate hold eucalyptus oil under my nose, but the experience was so cool!

We really are just conainers, and if you believe in reincarnation, it's all the better. Who would have ever thought that I would consider looking at dissected people as an artist date? Not I.

We left and my carpool got back to the city and I had lunch with two people I had never talked to before from the training. Both wonderful super-cool women.

Then time for yoga with my absolute favorite instructor, Karl. Three hours of proper alignment of legs, hips, lifting chest, and such.

And then the kicker...a massage right after with my regular guy.

Throughout this course I have resisted, fought the idea of having a whole day. But it just happened entirely without force.

3. Synchronicity
Nothing mind blowing, little bits and pieces that added up.

4. Issues
See giant whole day to myself from #2 above. For me to take a whole day to myself, that is nothing short of a miracle.

I do have something amusing to relate, from the task last week to list a week's worth of nurturing, mine was this, and also notice how many I did, unintentionally!
One week's worth of nurturing, things I would do:
massage - Done today!
yoga (done nearly everyday, at least a little bit)
pedicure (not yet, but this week for sure)
buy fresh flowers - daffodils, tulips (I bought iris because they contrast so wonderfully with my goldenrod yellow wall)
take a walk in nature (didn't do this)
make something hearty and warm, like my italian sausage tortelini soup (made on Thurs, eating leftovers now!)
play with paint and get my hands messy (not done, but no worries)
take a nap as needed! (I did - on Monday when I wasn't feeling well!)

How did that happen???

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
The AW won't feel complete without taking a moment to acknowledge those who made a huge giant gi-normous difference through these past twelve weeks.

Thank you first, to my friends from before the AW:
Stef, Becky (blogless!), and Pamela who posted encouragements throughout

Then, all the wonderful new people who posted (post something now if I missed you!):
Eliza, Laura, Otter, Kat, Donna, Melba, Dilly Dilly, Krista, Tinker, Marilyn, Blue Dog, Liz Elayne, Kathryn, Watermark, Wendi, and Artist~
your words made the AW a wonderful supported process for me.

And of course, those who read and don't post. I can feel you, and I am grateful. There is nothing more wonderful to a writer than having her words read.

Now, in honor of my current journey, my focus will likely shift to the yoga training and practice that occupies 14 hours a week for me.

Thank you all...I am complete! I will be reading you all very, very soon!

Guilt

2006-03-30T12:32:00.000-08:00

The one AW essay I searched for, in hopes that it existed but I previously only gave a cursory review, was one on GUILT.

I found two entries in the index but it was barely mentioned, skimmed over, and in my world, neglected.

For now, I'm going to pretend I am Julia Cameron writing the AW and here is what I would say about it.

GUILT
As a newly recovering creative, you may be attacked by furious, unforgiving bouts of guilt. You may feel like there is no possible way you can do something for yourself, for your artist, because you feel intensely guilty that you are putting too much responsibility onto others to take care of things in your absence.

Those things could be children, pets, cleaning, laundry, or cooking. Be careful here, and make sure the guilt is founded. Guilt is a good way to get out of taking care of ourselves, but it can backfire. I remember one woman (let's call her Julie, because it's me, and my name is Julie) who just last week, nearing the end of the AW where she was taking on the world: pursuing her dream of becoming a yoga instructor and spending more time away from home, leaving her toddler daughter in the capable care of her husband, suffered immensely from guilt and ended up making herself sick.

Evidently guilt can depress the immune system to give Julie a cold. It was only when, in a yoga training, that the subject of guilt came up about correcting student poses, when the source of her illness became apparent.

A voice inside her (my) head said: you know how to heal yourself, just give up the guilt!

So she did. She worked a half day on Monday and did more yoga in one day than ever before. The next day she was better.

(It's strange writing about myself in third person, mind if I switch back now?)

I felt so much guilt that I was putting too much on T that I made myself sick.

I don't have a nice tidy ending to this essay on guilt, but for me it was interesting that this issue appeared at the end of the AW!

AW Check-In Week 11

2006-03-25T17:03:00.000-08:00

1. MPs
7/7. I am playing with the idea of yoga practice in the morning also and feeling a little crunched for time with 20 minutes for MP and 30 minutes for yoga. Yesterday I did yoga first then MPs, today I did MP first then five minutes of yoga. I don't remember if I've recommended MP's to anyone lately, but I have recommended the AW.

2. AD
I did a couple mini AD's yesterday: a trip alone to Rainbow Foods co-op grocery, a walk through the Castro before my yoga class. Today though, I was wanting an hour to myself before yoga class but then Ava had a complete breakdown. So I didn't take an hour to myself, but instead Ava and I went outside and played in the dirt. I picked weeds and felt so connected to the earth. Ava slid around and got the butt of her new jeans filthy and her good shoes muddy and really, it just didn't matter because mud makes mom and daughter happy! Mud makes my inner artist happy. Delighted, as a matter of fact.

3. Synchronicity
All was rather quiet on the synchronicity front. Things seem to be just ticking along.

4. Issues
The big meltdown about feeling like I'm not doing enough, I'd call that a major issue. Learning to lean heavily on T for support and for taking care of Ava, I'd call that a major issue. Remembering that things are more fun when done with others. Remembering I am not an island of parenthood, I am part of a TEAM.

Mostly it's just strange that there is only a week left. I've made progress in so much - I mean really, I never imagined that I would be in training to be a yoga instructor as a result of the AW! Speaking of yoga, probably the most remarkable thing that happened this week in yoga was that I was able to lift my legs in the beginning of tripod handstand. I've never, never, never been able to do that before! My regular headstand was so much stronger, sturdier, I can feel my core strengthening and my power as well.

I am looking forward to the break in reading since I have books to read for my book research plus a dozen books to read for yoga training.

Here's the list I made for Task #6: nurture in the next six months
trip to hawaii
complete yoga teacher training
go to Esalen with a girlfriend
go visit my dear friend in San Diego for the weekend
plant a vegetable garden this spring

One week's worth of nurturing, things I would do:
massage
yoga
pedicure
buy fresh flowers - daffodils, tulips
take a walk in nature
make something hearty and warm, like my italian sausage tortelini soup
play with paint and get my hands messy
take a nap as needed!

This posting is a bit disjointed, but I am not in an editing mood...

Tired in the middle

2006-03-23T07:56:00.000-08:00

Today I am just tired. I've been sleeping about 9 hours a night for the last week but I am still tired.

I'm planning to get to a yoga class after work today, and I am so not inspired to get there. I'm not inspired to do much at all. I have things to do for five clients today and I don't know how all the urgent ones are going to get accomplished. I don't know how anything is going to get accomplished.

I don't feel like I've "done" anything for the AW lately. I wake up early enough to do my MP's although they're boring and trite. I read the chapter. I haven't done any exercises and I haven't planned an AD for this week. My whole week seems to be usurped by yoga and work. I told T this morning I don't see the point of yoga training. It just takes too much time, too much effort, too much showing up.

I know, I know, this too shall pass, as my Grandma would say. It just sucks being in the middle sometimes.

Addendum:
I took my own advice and called my friend Becky, whom I told a while back to call me at any hour, any time, just to unload as needed.

I discovered, uncovered, my angst is about not doing enough for T. I am putting "too much" on him by taking yoga classes all weekend that mean he's responsible for watching Ava while I'm in class. It's my job to watch her on weekends and now I'm putting it all on him. That means I'm not doing my job well...right? WRONG!

When I talked to T, as Becky urged and predicted, he did not share my angst. His words, precisely, "I have it all worked out!" He was quite proud of himself, as he should be!

He doesn't want me to quit yoga...his benefit is watching my body take shape!

Ahhhh...the delights and downfalls of being human.

AW Check-In Week 10

2006-03-19T07:26:00.000-08:00

OMG, is it really the check in for week 10 already? I'm going to miss the AW when we're finished!

The Check In first, and then a bit about my week...

1. I did my MP's every day but yesterday. Ava and I were staying with my Dad and Step-Mom and I didn't feel like taking time away from everyone to write them, plus I let myself sleep until 7AM when Ava woke. In my world, 7AM really is sleeping in.

I started to read them last week, but stopped because reading the book ideas was interfering with my current writing. It's been hard to juggle writing MP's and then 1/2 hour of yoga before starting my workday or Mommy day but I did both Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Woo hoo! This is a minor miracle in my world that I would get up and do BOTH before doing other things.

2. Artist Date
I have stopped trying to "schedule" artist dates as things I do by myself and instead I do them with my little artist in residence. Having a toddler who will be two years old in a couple weeks is a fount of artistic inspiration. We painted this week, we played with my previously unused water soluble crayons and pastels. I actually allowed myself to just play, not have to make it look good or presentable.

I also did the AD I've been wanting to do since the beginning...with Ava. We went to visit the Mission in Carmel. It's about 1/2 hour from my parents' house so Ava and I stayed Friday night and left early to go to the mission. This field trip, literally mirroring a field trip I did in third grade, is intimately intertwined with the book I'm writing. Going there felt good, wandering around, taking my time as Ava would allow.

But for the grand synchronicity...

3. Synchronicity
When Ava and I finished the walking tour of the mission, we stopped at the bookshelves. I asked the woman selling entrance tickets which book she recommended about Fray Junipero Serra. She pointed out one that she said was good, and another that might be "too much information."

Perhaps not, I responded, and told her about the book. (I did write about it here originally, but it feels a bit too exposed here ... sorry!)

The woman was not only interested, but excited! "Really! That book is needed! If we had that book it would fly off the bookshelves!"

She, of course, is the person responsible for buying books to sell in the Mission bookstore. I got her name, email, phone, and left her mine.

I'm excited, scared, and a teensy bit blocked because it is so darn possible!

4. Issues...
This week I slowed down...way down. I didn't go to four high intensity yoga classes and instead started my week with a rebirthing yoga class and did one restorative yoga class. I also assisted/participated in a prenatal class with my favorite instructor of all times (she was my prenatal and postnatal yoga instructor). I did yoga at home five days. I ran into people I hadn't seen in years. I found parking by waiting rather than searching. I had the weekend off from yoga training and took this as a gift to slow down and be with my daughter. I felt like she was suffering, and perhaps I was from not being present with her. We played, we had fun, fun!

I want to find the balance between yoga classes and home practice that gives me a feeling of enough time. I believe it's possible. As Jane, the prenatal instructor said at the close of the class, "so much of our lives are about doing, doing, doing" - she's right. Now it's about listening, being, responding - at least for me.

Inspired by Sitting Still Blog

2006-03-16T08:37:00.000-08:00

I was visiting Sitting Still and ran across this post about wishing. Here are my responses...

I wish I could paint my room pale olive green.
I wish I could be really good at racquetball.
I wish I could have a lizard or turtle for a pet.
If I had a new name, I wish it could be Suzanne.
On summer vacation, I wish I could go to Italy and France.
I wish I could eat sushi for lunch everyday.

I'm not tagging anyone to respond :) I found it fun, if you do too, then fill in the blanks!

Since it's my week to share a quote of inspiration...

2006-03-15T18:10:00.000-08:00

I choose to share one of my favorites:

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

Teddy Roosevelt, Paris Sorbonne,1910

This quote always, always speaks to me. Now I use it to tame my inner critic as well.

AW Check-in week 9 and ramblings

2006-03-12T07:27:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that there were three chapters left and I was going to do them all in one week and be done. I'm a bit overwhelmed between yoga and the AW and working and my family. Somehow I am juggling, vaguely balancing them all. I was feeling really guilty about not spending as much time with Ava as before yoga. Her behaviour has shifted gradually to that of an almost-two-year-old. Terrible twos? Yeah, I had hoped we would be immune, but I can feel them approaching.

She's into everything. EVERYTHING! No cupboard, cabinet, space under the beds is untouched. She used to stop doing things when I said no, and I didn't have to say it much, but now she listens maybe 1/3 of the time and stops. She says no now too, where before she just shook her head. Maybe all this should be on her blog instead - LOL.

I was feeling like a bad mom, that I was doing something wrong because she is more out of control these days. Talking to T set that straight, it's just how she is. He got her an awesome new tricycle - the kind with the big silver bar out the back for the parent to push. This is a dream come true - it is great exercise for her as she has to sit up straight and hold onto the handle bars even if she can't reach the pedals yet. T said he's found the best way to manage the "out of control Ava" is to put her on the bike and take her for a ride.

Can I just write, and I suppose I will, that I am so grateful for him! So grateful to have a partner in the parenting process. I once arrogantly thought I could be a single mom, that I just wanted a baby and I could do it on my own. Yikes! I have all kinds of help and it's still tiring! It's so wonderful to just have another opinion, another whole person who has energy levels different to mine.

Tasks, I like to talk about tasks even though they aren't in the check in list. I read some of my morning pages and then stopped because I had a dozen different ideas for the book I'm writing and they were distracting! Plus I didn't have a lot of time and it seemed pointless to do them now.

I didn't do any other tasks, although my head took a couple creative u-turns this week. I wanted to quit yoga training, it's too much time, too much sacrifice, too much... but I didn't. I didn't quit, even when I had a teacher at a class I didn't like who passive-aggressively guilted me about being in her level 2-3 class when I was clearly a level 1 (for that kind of yoga, I am going to assume). ARGH! Creative monsters are in yoga too. She pummeled me with 20 questions about the teacher training and why would I do it, it's not enough time to learn to teach yoga, blah blah blah, make me feel bad about doing training, blah blah blah.

Although I will point out that I was one of six students in her class. Six. Classes I take with teachers I love like Karl or Christopher are always full to the brim with forty or fifty students in a class. And Karl, who I've known for years, has generously offered to have me assist in his classes after the training is over instead of now when I am frantically juggling child care for Ava.

I'll do task #2 now, or at least part of it:

I am a YOGA INSTRUCTOR!
I am leading classes for kids at the martial arts studio during the week. I lead classes for toddlers, preschoolers, and elementary school kids. I also lead classes for prenatal women. My style is ecclectic but based on the fundamental, requisite qualities of yoga. Show up, push your limits, breathe. My style is fun, engaging, motivating, and compassionate.

I will make my task this week to take pictures of myself doing yoga poses so I can correct and modify them.

Task #3
Creative goals for the year:
complete first draft of my book
finish yoga teacher training
teach two regular kids yoga classes

For the month:
get through this month of teacher training!
complete AW
write a 2-3 days a week on my book

For the week:
practice yoga 6 hours a week, half in classes, half at home
read websites about yoga for kids
write 2-3 days on my book

Anyway, about that AW Check In

1. I did my mp's 7/7 days, and actually in the morning. I haven't shifted towards compassion about u-turns, but I will take that on starting today.

2. Artist Date
I am tired of doing solo artist dates, so what I considered my artist dates this week were:
Going to dinner with my succulent friends, Becky and Stef. As we were driving back to Becky's house from dinner, I said to them, you're my favorite kind of friends: low maintenance! We haven't all been together since November, but there is an ease, a comfort in being together that is just...marevelous. They inspire, delight, and accept me for who I am. Thank you!!!

I also went for a walk around the block with Ava, who reminded me that everything is fun to play with, especially when she held out her hand to touch a passing shrub.

If AD's are about getting inspired, I'm going to seek out people rather than solo events. I spend enough time alone, I want to play with others!

3. Synchronicity...
We just found out this morning that Ava was accepted into a co-op, parent run daycare that we adore. They also said they would love for me to teach yoga to the kids in the daycare! They may be my first yoga class for kids!!!

4. Issues...this week was an emotional roller coaster. I was angry and viscious during parts, moody and weepy during others. I know it's yoga doing it's magic, but it's also the AW.

Now, onward to Week 10. How is everyone else doing???? Send me links to your check-ins I'd love to read them!

Before I started yoga training, I thought deltoids were..

2006-03-06T20:39:00.000-08:00

a figment of my imagination.

Now I know they exist, because they ache. But then so do my trapezious and all four of my quadraceps.

We have to study in this crazy book called the Anatomy Coloring Book. Yes, I really get to put my big box of crayola markers to work and I figure the best way to learn all these muscles it to look up the ones that ache after yoga classes.

Like yesterday...when we studied sun salutations for three hours. It wasn't so much that we did a lot of sun salutations, but more that we did them well, hovering over the ground in a pose that vaguely resembles the end of a push-up (chaturanga dandasana). We did big cobras, baby cobras, and a whole flock of upward dogs (urdhva mukha svanasana). Those, I am certain, have made me well aware of the muscles at the top of my arms that I had to look them up in the book and name them. Deltoids. I have deltoids.

I have muscles beneath my boobs...who would have known? They're called pectoralis majors and they talk to me a lot these days too.

My hips though, can I talk about my hips? I didn't realize how tight they were and I think it's the piriformus muscle that is making itself known. Then again, I've done so many pigeon poses this week that I feel like scavenging for crumbs on the sidewalk.

I'm getting used to this muscle soreness. It's strange though, because I've never been an athlete so this is new. In the past when muscles made their presence known I would take a break, now it's becoming familiar. I know my body is strengthening and the aches are like growing pains.

T says he can see the difference of a week and a half of daily yoga on my body. I feel stronger, more stable, more rooted firmly into the earth.

I also feel like I'm learning two new foreign languages: the language of bones and muscles and Sanskrit, the language of all of these yoga poses.

It's all brand new and yet familiar and it's all good.

AW Week 8 Check In and a few Tasks

2006-03-04T12:10:00.000-08:00

First, Tasks...

I did do the first giant whopping task and wrote out my newly discovered dream of bringing yoga to people rather than having them come to yoga. I think this scared the pants off of me and I've been running around in my underwear ever since. Okay, it scares me because it's so possible, so vivid, so real. I can see myself teaching yoga to kids in the cafeteria/auditorium in schools holding strong in Warrior 1 and 2, I can see myself teaching to sports teams and having high school football players stretching up into upward dog. I can feel the balance this will bring to their everyday lives.

The task about the new childhood irked me. I had the childhood I had and I do get that I'm supposed to dream up a new dream, but the fact that I can make up new dreams at any moment and take steps in their realization, that means my childhood was good enough. What would perfect look like anyway? I would rather start from where I am today.

About those colors. Here goes.

I am bold, brilliant captivating yellow. I am warm, sunny, and bring light into the darkest of moments and days. (This is now my living room color!)

I am a pale gray-blue. I am cool, refreshing, like water from the hose on a hot summer day.

I am lavender. The scent and color of healing and higher inspiration.

I am a rich olive green. I am growth, I reach beyond my current limits soaring like the redwood trees into new daring heights.

Twenty things I like to do:
play with Ava, color and paint on her easel
dance in the middle of the living room
stretch
yoga
take pictures of kids being kids
hang out with good friends
laugh and dream with T
motivate and encourage others
snow ski, and I want to try snowboarding
play with play-doh and smell the nostalgia on my hands
let the story write through me
read blogs
read books - all kinds of books
be alone in my house
giving Ava baths
being with kids
sex in the afternoon
(that's enough for now)

ideal day
wake up early, before T and Ava
write three pages
a few sun salutations and a couple poses that feel right for the morning
eat breakfast with my family
take Ava to the co-op daycare she loves
teach first yoga class - this one to seniors
lunch somewhere with a friend
teach second yoga class - this one to kids at an elementary school
write for a couple hours on latest book idea
pick up Ava from daycare
make dinner

And now, for that AW Check In
I did my pages 7/7 days. Today though I did them at noon instead of first thing, and I'm okay with that. I halfway thought about not doing them today but did anyway and of course I'm glad. I just don't function if I don't write those three pages!

Artist Date...I admit, I didn't do an artist date. I went to four yoga classes this week in addition to the three training classes and really, what time I had left I wanted to be with Ava and T, not by myself! I did take Ava on a walk around the block yesterday that felt artist date-ish. And as the song goes, C is for cookie, that's good enough for me!

Synchronicity....my friend Bill who is an extremely talented photographer was in town this weekend and agreed to do headshots for me. The teachers of the yogadoodles program for preschool kids emailed me back and they're over near Oakland. Their mission is part of what I want to do - teach yoga to preschoolers! Lots of things that somehow lined up my schedule so I could meet my requirement to do 6 hours of regular yoga practice this week.

Issues...not really. I just feel like I am loving my life again since starting this yoga program and that all things are possible.

AW Week 7: Check In

2006-02-26T07:37:00.000-08:00

Checking in...somehow it feels more real if I do it here rather than just in my notebook.

First, before I even start the check in, THANK YOU to everyone who commented this week! Your words were inspiring and encouraging - there is nothing better to a writer than to know your words are being read!!!!

For those who wondered - I really recommend the Animal Speak book. It's been guiding me for about six years now!

Now for the check in...
1. I did my MPs everyday. Even every day that my mom was staying with me (Sun through Thurs) when I felt bad at going off into a corner by myself and writing for 20 minutes and leaving her alone. I did it anyway, and thank heaven I did. Yes, I daydreamed a creative risk in being a yoga teacher and now I'm in the training. I'm a bit scared to daydream more creative risks because I'm not ready for more big changes in my life!

2. AD - yes I did a couple mini dates when I went to Rainbow Foods (co-op organic grocery store in SF) and got a pedicure at a wonderful new salon in Russian Hill called Lavande. But then I did a for real big artist date last night and went to SOTA, a local public arts high school, and saw students reading excerpts from unfinished plays they were writing.

That in itself was cool, considering that I was courting imperfection and I didn't want to see a perfectly rehearsed play performed by grown-ups who have studied acting all their lives. Nope, in the spirit of this week I wanted to see imperfection. The announcer/narrator said at the very beginning these were likely the first plays the students had written, and could very well be first drafts. Woo hoo! Students read from scripts in hand, flubbed up lines, didn't speak loud enough, didn't look up at the audience the whole time. I'm making it sound bad but really it was wonderful.

The best part though was that a woman sat next to me who I noticed as she walked in - turned out to be the dance teacher at the school. She was one of those people who just radiated passion, energy, and enthusiasm, even though she was losing her voice. We talked before the performance about the school and I told her I was studying to be a yoga teacher because I want to bring yoga to public elementary schools.

She then said there are grants - GRANTS - for that sort of thing! I can get a grant to bring yoga to public schools! Woo hoo!

It felt like a Celestine Prophecy moment :)

3. Synchronicity. If there was any more sync in my life this week, I would have felt trampled by it.

4. Issues...yes. I got to give up my "story" that I couldn't be a yoga teacher because my hearing is bad because the teacher leading the teacher training has bad hearing! The biggest issue that got knocked down and led out of the ring on a stretcher was my hidden lurking perfectionism! I got so much accomplished this week because I didn't have to do anything perfectly! My living room wall got painted, I started my book, I went to my training and didn't have to be perfect. I was encouraged not to be perfect! As it would turn out, my foot that isn't flexible because of my past surgery and my imperfect body that can't do every single pose is a gift. Now my future students don't have to be perfect either!

5. I know there isn't a #5 but I'm creating one to talk about this week's tasks. I barely did any of them. I did write the mantra on three pieces of paper and stuck them around the house. They irritated me, but I kept them up there. I didn't listen to one side of an album, I didn't go to a sacred space (except yoga studios are sacred space for me if they count).

I created a wonderful smell by making banana bread, but that was because my bananas were black and ready, not because it was a task.

I didn't wear my favorite item of clothing, unless you count my cropped jeans but I always wear them.

I didn't buy anything wonderfully comforting, except I did buy a new pair of yoga pants - 95% cotton in a green somewhere between olive and lime. Okay, maybe they count but I bought them because I only have one pair of yoga pants and with all the yoga I'm going to take I wanted something more.

And for the biggie...I didn't do the collage. I thought about doing the collage. I searched for magazines with images I like and after looking in a few places finally bought cooking light, real simple, and yoga journal. Of course now they're brand new and I don't want to tear them up! I really fear collages. I fear that if I do put what I want out there on paper with images that I will have TOO MUCH in my life. I guess I always fear this - I'm pretty good about doing what I want to do once I figure it out and I'm afraid I'll be overwhelmed.

I think what I fear most is that there will be too much in my life and it won't all fit - that if I put in something new that something old will have to go. If I have a new interest that it will steal time away from my time with my daughter or T. It seems like I have to give up something I like to get something else I want. Where does my time go, exactly. I don't watch TV, I clean only when necessary, I don't feel like I have any spare time!

Then at the last minute I read the bit Julia C talkes about in task #10 - collage more thoroughly a dream you are trying to accomplish. This, I just might be able to do. A specific collage may meet my needs more than one with everything I like in life.

Maybe I'll do it in another couple weeks after I've read through my new magazines.

Slapped in the face by imperfection

2006-02-25T11:27:00.000-08:00

I started this morning by assisting at a yoga class - my role was to observe the instructor - a friend of mine - as he taught the class.

I guess because I've practiced yoga for the last seven years I thought I should be at least as observant as an instructor, right? Of course not. My friend is a really talented extraordinary teacher who studied with BKS Iyengar in India and has been teaching for at least 10 or more years. He's been practicing for about 20.

What right do I have to compare myself to him as an instructor???

I am okay with the beginning of my new book being imperfect - I'm not even using Word to tell me when I make mistakes or autocorrect problems. I'm okay with my newly painted wall being imperfect considering the edges and ceilings aren't perfect in our 1940s house!

Of course though I should be a perfect yoga instructor on day one, when I haven't even gone to the class on teaching techniques and assists - it's this afternoon!

Evidently there is a perfectionist lingering in me still, saying you have to get this right and quickly as my whole future depends on it. No wonder T just said - do it - don't think about what you're going to do with it - just show up.

Daily ramblings

2006-02-24T19:01:00.000-08:00

I had to read a few other blogs before I got motivated myself...

Blue dog ... I hope you feel better. Being sick sucks and it usually happens to me when I need a time out.

Kat ... thanks for sharing about birds. I got interested after I read about birds in the Animal Totem book (previous buffalo post) and then I wanted to know what birds so I bought a couple bird books. Your description is wonderful!

In Otter Space ... loved the bit about Jamie the Buffalo Nickel artist!

And now I can write something new!

My triangular family has left me as the solo point. Just for the weekend, maybe just for tonight, but the house is just so vacant without T and our lovely toddler toddling around. They've gone up to Tahoe to join friends or maybe just find trouble of their own. I'm at home because my yoga training starts tonight and there are twenty-three minutes before I leave to go find parking to sit in a yoga studio and figure out just what I signed up for.

I'm excited, but almost bored with the long long minutes between now and my time of departure. I never dated much (being a serial monogamist type), but this is like waiting for a date to arrive.

This week has been such a high, such a series of revelations that now feels a bit unfamiliar and empty. I will have precious hours tomorrow morning before my next class - hours that aren't filled with picking up after, feeding, changing, walking, entertaining my toddler and I have time for an AD but don't know what to do with that time!

If they're not back until Sunday I'm going to find some kind of evening play. I have this craving for theater, high school theater if I can manage it (someone's blog gave me the idea - forgive me for not remembering which one!) because I want to see something a bit rough, unpolished, and, thank you Julia Cameron, imperfect.

Did I mention that this week while my Mom was in town helping with Ava that we painted one of my living room walls yellow? It's a goldenrod shade of yellow, called "colonel" by Kelly Moore but having never met a colonel, don't know if they are usually that shade!

I've been wanting to paint that wall - my fireplace wall - that color of yellow for over a year. It's beautiful. Midday when the afternoon light meanders through the front window it reminds me of the light in Tuscany. T even noticed it this afternoon. The room now says, sit down, rest, stay a while. It's not a big room - in San Francisco style it's maybe 10x12 feet or so but we've finally made it comfortable. In my world if the room isn't comfortable, what's the point?

Yesterday I talked to my sweet friend B, who's husband is recovering from some horrid cancer that took over his tongue (he wasn't a smoker or a user of any kind of tobacco thus making this all the more strange) and she was having a rough kind of day. I told her when she wanted to yell and scream to call me. These are my waking hours, I told her, just call, yell, scream, I don't mind a bit. Sometimes we just need friends we can call and bitch to - all the better because we're not angry at them. I told her it was easier than making her food!

I have eleven more minutes to go before I start my adventure and now it's only six because I hopped over and read Dilly Dilly and I'm signing off now. Happy Friday Night!

Brought to you by Buffalo

2006-02-21T21:06:00.000-08:00

One thing I keep forgetting to mention, is that since I started the AW, buffalo have been appearing everywhere.

Now buffalo aren't small animals, and they don't show up everyday. Take for example in January I went to the Fresno zoo where they had a buffalo. They had lots of other animals but the buffalo really got my attention.

Then last weekend I went to Golden Gate Park where I drove, quite by accident, right to the buffalo fields where a few were out for the day. I've never seen them out of their shelter until Sunday! Isn't she beautiful?

And then today, in the midst of my yoga dilemma, my Mom handed me a quarter for a parking meter, which I didn't need and stuck in my pocket. A Kansas quarter with a buffalo.

So I went home and looked up Buffalo in Animal Speak: The spiritual and magical powers of creatures great and small by Ted Andrews and it said:

The bison or American buffalo is a symbol of abundance and manifestation....you do not have to struggle to survive if the right action is joined with the right prayer (this is what White Buffalo Calf Woman taught the Lakota). I read about this first when I was troubled about praying, how to pray, and to whom I might be praying in the first place.

It also says:
The bison usually follows the easiest path. When we join right action with the right prayers, the path is not difficult...The appearance of the buffalo also implies that the law of synchronicity is operating within your life at the moment. Things will happen at the time, manner, and means that is best fo rus if we allow it. this odesn't mean we should sit back and do nothing, but rather that we should do what we have to do and then let the events take their natural course.

Ask yourself some important questions:
Are you honoring that which you seek?
Are you remembering that the divine is essential to all things in the physical?
Are you giving honor to yourself and the efforts of others within your life?
Do you show gratitude for what you already have?
The quickest way to stop the flow of abundance is by failing to honor that which has already come to you.

There's more in the middle, if anyone has also been seeing buffalo, let me know and I'll type out the rest!

I love you people!

2006-02-21T20:15:00.000-08:00

I love YOU PEOPLE! You people - the ones I know and am coming to know through the AW. The ones who post and the ones who read but I can feel your reassurances even if you don't post a syllable.

I am saying YES!

After stressing about it all morning, as I drove home today I asked, prayed, requested:

Hi God, would you please give me a clear sign whether I'm supposed to sign up for this training? A big crystal clear yes or a big crystal clear no, please.

Then I got home and added to that, would you please let me know in the next half hour?

And I went outside and pulled weeds from the grass. Don't tell anyone, but I love pulling weeds. There is something so wonderfully satisfying about pulling weeds from the ground to give room for the plants I've chosen for a space (like grass). So I'm pulling weeds and I think, yes, what about instead of thinking no and fighting it, what if I say yes?

What would stop me from saying yes? I realize it's my daughter. My adorable, wonderful, almost two year old daughter. If I wasn't a mother and didn't feel like I would be taking time away from Ava by doing this training I would have signed up the day before I saw the class. Instead of asking myself if it's fair to me, I asked if it was fair to her. She can't be the reason for me to say no to something so good. Money can't be the reason either. If these are my only reasons, I reasoned, they aren't good enough.

So I printed and filled out the registration form.

I spoke with T who was tired after a long golf day but said "if you want to do this, do this, and it sounds like you're going to be busy." But now that I think of it, he also said "you may not even end up teaching kids, you may end up doing something else with yoga, this opens the door." Yes, I love this man.

I spoke with the yoga instruction program organizer and paid the deposit. Somehow this is all going to work out, somehow now that I jumped, now that I committed, it is all going to work out. I can feel it, like a warm bath melting away, steaming away all of my concerns.

Overwhelm

2006-02-20T18:26:00.000-08:00

Is there such a thing as too much possibility?

In the first weeks of the AW I was confronted by aches in my right hand and wrist and entertained other ideas of what I might want to do if I wasn't working on a computer all day.

The two ideas I came up with were to photograph children - and then shortly after that I got a haircut from a friend, we both want to work as photographers, and I bought an amazing new camera. My husband tells me just to play with the camera, just take pictures and have fun with it - don't wrap your head around making money with the camera even if you do spend a lot of money on it - just play with it. Evidently he knows my pattern of coming up with something new to do and getting stuck right about the time I think I ought to make money with it.

But I did photograph a birthday party of a good friend's daughter and I did have fun. I have the images burned to a cd to her that I am determined to get in the mail tomorrow. I have to say the good side of digital is that there is no huge cost of film developing or printing proof sheets - the CD costs little, copying the images from my camera to laptop costs only time.

This is all good...if it's so good, why am I a basket case? Why am I ready to bounce off the walls and bury my head in the sand to make it all go away.

Why am I so determined to limit myself and opportunities???

In reality...all I did was take pictures at a birthday party. That's it. In my head I have quit my job and somehow relying on what must be meager money that I would make shooting birthday parties.

This is what I do. I get way ahead of myself and get scared and worried and then terrified. Terrified of succeeding at doing something completely atypical.

Then the other thing. When I had hand and arm problems (which were, according to my awesome holistic practitioner all to do with not breathing while I was doing my MP's if you can believe that!) I also thought I'd love to teach yoga.

So of course, OF COURSE, since I am in the AW my usual yoga studio had a flyer a couple weeks back about instructor training. Six month course and (what feels like) a huge amount of money. No way...no way I can swing it I tell myself and throw the flyer away. I just want to teach kids why do I have to go through a huge course like this?

So today after yoga I picked up a schedule and saw that the training is Friday evenings, Saturday and Sunday afternoons - three weekends a month. Hm. I can at least ask the questions in my head...the questions like do I have to pay all at once or can I pay over time? What time exactly is the time commitment on those days?

So I get a quick response back...the training does start this Friday. OF COURSE IT DOES. OF COURSE I WANT TO PULL OUT ALL MY HAIR AND RUN IN CIRCLES MADLY AND RAPIDLY AND HIDE. Mostly I just want to hide.

I pay in four chunks, which are big, but manageable. The time commitment is 2 hrs Friday night, 3 hours Sat & Sun. Manageable. Uh-oh. I also have to take six hours worth of classes a week plus homework. I count. Fourteen hours of yoga a week.

I talk to my husband, who says, OF COURSE, if you want to do this we will make it work. I say "of course" because it's like the Universe is handing me a plate, full of being a yoga instructor, saying, help yourself. Don't you want this? Really, it's delicious, take some.

WHY DOES THIS MAKE ME WANT TO HIDE? Why does the thougth of having a wonderful, extraordinary life make me want to run to the nearest 8-5 job and sign up?

Oh - and OF COURSE I had a synchronistic conversation with my Mom this morning about religion and had a bunch of great ideas for my book.

I mean "of course" in the most sarcastic of ways.

Am I just crazy? How does anyone else deal with too much good? Is it possible to just accept it and say thank you????

One last quote about money...

2006-02-19T11:16:00.000-08:00

It is only by following your deepest instinct that you can lead a rich life.
- Katherine Butler Hathaway

Money miracle

2006-02-15T22:01:00.000-08:00

This could only be explained as a money miracle of Divine Intervention.

I was sitting at my computer, uploading photos to shutterfly, ofoto (which at some point became kodakgallery) and mpix so I can test which has the best color for printing digital pics with my new camera, when I heard a faint knock at my front door.

It's nearly 10PM. People don't knock at my door at almost 10PM.

I peek out the window and the guy seems to know me and I don't know him. I call T, who peeks and opens the door...

Evidently he's our next door neighbor, holding my wallet with no less than $260, two credit cards, and every membership card I possess.

It's all there...even the zoo membership.

Perhaps this is God's answer to yesterday's plea, ahem, request for help. I think it's God's way of saying,

Relax Julie, I have it all under control and here's your wallet.

God And Money

2006-02-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

This week has been strange for me. For the last two days my MPs have been all about my ideas about God and money (I nearly capitalized money...how ironic). Why would God get involved with money, I pondered. Money is such a messy, guilty, ambivalent thing. Money causes so many problems...well, okay. I know it's the people that cause the problems in the name of money. People also cause problems in the name of God. The reality, I suppose, is that people just cause problems period and blame God, money, relatives, and other things.

I am playing with the idea that God wants to give me money. Maybe God has a giant pot of gold for everyone - we just need to get our safety umbrellas out of the way and let it rain on us. I am also playing with the idea that if everyone had enough money there wouldn't be hyperinflation so it would actually feel like enough money.

I have been counting money since yesterday, and saying yes to things people offer me (like my coworker buying me lunch yesterday!). I have noticed I spend money on food. Starbucks gets money from me a few times a week - the grocery store gets regular money from me - and restaurants get money from me. I am trying to spend like I do normally and not think of this as an exercise in making myself wrong about how I spend money. Trying. Money has so much guilt tied into it for me that thinking about money I feel like I should cease spending altogether.

I once had stock (yes, a dot-commer I was) valued at lots of money. I didn't do anything with it out of fear. I wasn't selfishly waiting for it to be worth more, I was more shell-shocked at the possibility of stock options being worth so much. (I got that worth all mixed up with my worth which is a story of a different color.) I was a bit afraid of taxes, but mostly I was afraid that if people who knew me, knew I had money, they would be hammering on my door asking for a slice. I liked my anonymity of facquaintences and relatives thinking I had no money instead.

I did nearly nothing with the stock and now, of course, it's really worth nothing.

I beat myself up sometimes by saying that why would God give me a second chance at big money when I blew my first chance so horribly. Why would God bother with me? I figure God would leave me to my own devices with money.

So that is the God I have been believing in - a God who gets involved in all of my life except my financial life.

What if I created a new kind of God? What if instead God is just waiting for me to ask for help? What if God wants me to stop beating myself up for the past so she/he/it can do it to me one more time?

Hi God,
As you know, I really suck at asking for help. I am also having issues in my head with money. Would you please help me with money? Would you take a wrecking ball to the brick wall between me and money so it can flow my way? Would you help me, please?

Thank you,
Julie

There. That's the best I can do for now. Let's see what happens.

AW Week 5: Check In

2006-02-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

While I have a minute...

1. MPs:
I did the MPs six out of seven days and regretted not having time to do them the one morning I skipped...woke up late after a bad night of sleep and ended up being 45 min late for work even without doing them. Was a really tiring messy day, complete with a fall into the virtue trap.

One morning I fell into the river of creativity in my MPs though, the night before I had asked a question about the book I'm pondering and the morning I found six pages of material dumped onto the pages. I love that river...

2. AD
Thank you Kat and In Otter Space for ideas on ADs! Sometimes it's obvious what my artist wants to do, other times not. I will save these ideas and borrow them!

This week I sort of had an AD. I went to yoga this morning, which is like an AD to me. I came home and T, Ava and I went to the farmers market and bought a zillion clementines and tasty blood oranges and a bunch of the freshest most beautiful chard I've seen. I also bought myself bright pink tulips because I adore tulips. I know I'm not supposed to bring my family along on an AD, but it's more fun to go to the farmers market with them!

Then we had a sitter arranged for 3Pm and I was all set to do something...but I wanted to do that something with T so I invited him to a movie. We showed up four mins before the next showing of the Pink Panther. We do that...just show up at movies and choose one playing soon that sounds interesting. It was hilarious...stupid British (French) humor sort of funny but there were parts that had me laughing for minutes. T and I ate a good sized popcorn and some really good soft red vines and my artist seemed genuinely happy to have some time with her boy.

Next week I'll do something solo besides yoga :)

3. Synchronicity...
There were a dozen little things like thinking I need to meet some real kids in my target 9-12 age range soon to ask them about my book ideas and a day later one of my coworkers who is the lead for an elementary school needs my help. I've met the principal and now I have to gather my confidence and ask if I can talk to teachers and students! I can't think of more but I will add as I remember.

I keep repeating my Artist Prayer when I get overwhelmed:
All I need to do is take the next step.

And then I have room to breathe again.

4. Issues...
Seeing I'm still susceptible to the Virtue Trap and struggle to say no when I am guilted into helping.

5. Other things... (I made that one up)
I am loving all of the bloggers I am connecting with...thank you for your kind words, encouragement, and just making me feel read!

In need of Artist Date ideas!

2006-02-11T07:30:00.000-08:00

I have 2-3 hours today for an AD - but I don't know what to do with it!

Would you please share what you've done on the last couple AD's???

thanks!

My candy heart says...

2006-02-10T14:08:00.000-08:00

Thanks all things jennifer...here is what my candy heart says:

Your Candy Heart Says "First Kiss"

You're a true romantic who brings an innocent hope to each new relationship.
You see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you

Your flirting style: friendly and sweet

What turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance

Why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

It's time to go home...

2006-02-09T17:49:00.000-08:00

...well beyond when I had planned on leaving work.

I had thought I might go to an exercise class at lunchtime, but lunchtime ended up as a prepackaged salad brought back to the office to eat as I worked on another computer.

I had thought I would go to a tai chi class at 4:30, but a coworker had a big issue that he didn't want to solve himself and guilted me into helping him. "I thought you were going to do it, I'm too busy," he whined.

I responded, "Name, I have four clients, I work three days a week, I currently have three issues more pressing than yours but I'm helping you."

He then whined "I have one client that feels like four."

IMO, that's because he doesn't manage them well. He's a yes-man, someday I hope he will learn how to say no.

But that might be the day that I do also...

I'm tired, and talking to him has drained the last ounce of energy from me so now I know there's no way I'm making it to any exercise anything today. If I'd brought my swim suit I'd go do laps so I could immerse myself in water and drown out his lingering whiny voice.

Plus I woke up late and didn't do my MPs and that always leaves me behind in my game.

Week 4: Check In

2006-02-04T20:26:00.000-08:00

I broke the reading deprivation in little bits - I read a couple blogs, I read bits of text in a color design book but to be honest I was just looking at the pictures to get ideas of how to remake my bedroom! I didn't read any books for my "project" which was actually quite nice as I could hear my own thoughts again bubbling back up. I felt a little restless as I use reading to relax, but found I could live without it.

I did my morning pages every day this week, even though my hand was starting to hurt. It's comforting to get the chaotic thoughts out of my head onto the page - I know if I don't do it I am less loving and less available to everyone in my life.

My artist date - I told myself my official artist date was to get a massage Thursday after work - which I did and it was fabulous. But I also went to an exercise class Thursday at lunchtime that still has my muscles complaining and a yoga class taught by one of my favorite teachers today. I think of artist dates as time I take for myself - whatever I'm doing. I have been etching out slices of time for myself to take care of me, and I've found T to be incredibly supportive and willing to watch Ava so I can go.

Synchronicity...I already wrote about getting my haircut and finding a possible partner in photography! What I didn't add was that I took a 2 year old birthday party yesterday as an opportunity to take pictures. I'm not going to any weddings that I know of this year, but there are more kids I know having parties and I'm going to use this as an opportunity get the rust out of my photography skills!

There are also a dozen little synchronicities - like friends I haven't talked to in ages calling me out of the blue when I was thinking about them the day before. Things just happening as I want them to - in general I am getting the sense that I am on the right path and doing the right things - finally! It's been a long time since I've felt this way.

Issues significant to my recovery....today in yoga our instructor had us practice many poses where the focus was on opening the chest in a way that fills up the space around the collar bones. I have been wanting to open my heart more and feel more love - and (synchronously!) this is what opening my chest does. It's going to take a lot of practice to lift my chest instead of sinking down, but it will also help with my hand/arm/shoulder aching so I can keep writing and keep typing.

Now, my little one has gone to sleep without tears tonight (whew!) and I'm going to declare week 4 over and go pick up a book!

Coming into focus

2006-02-03T14:06:00.000-08:00

There is a part in Joe Vs. The Volcano when Tom Hanks' character is shopping with his driver for the day - after he gets his haircut his driver (an angel in disguise) says to him "You're coming into focus, kid."

That's how I feel today - like I'm coming into focus.

I did get a hair cut - my first in ten months. My hair only grows to about a third of the way down my back and then split ends start splitting and it refuses to grow any longer. I was beyond the point of frustration - I had to carry an assortment of clips and rubber bands so I could get my hair out of my face at any time. It had gone on too long.

So I called my friend who cuts my hair, and she was available right when I wanted her, and instead of making me drive across the GGate bridge we met at her place across town (which I had secretly wished for!). I had been preparing myself and T all week - I'm getting my hair cut short. Short short short! I am tired of long hair and my power is in no way tied to the length of my hair. My friend cut it wonderfully, I now have happy hair that is just grazing the top of my shoulders and pushing it behind my ears works great to keep it out of my face. It's perfect.

Then she had a break in her day so we went for a walk to grab a bagel.

On the way she asks me where I live, which spawns a synchronistic conversation about photography as she's coming to my neck of the city next week to do a maternity photo shoot.

The synchronicity is that when I was thinking about what I would do if I couldn't work in computers and I couldn't write - I would be a photographer. Then resignation and cynicism set in, as I "tried" it before but didn't succeed.

Then I end up in a conversation with her about how it would be FUN to work together - as I don't want to do this solo - I want a partner. Everything for me these days is about partnering with someone else. We started talking about wedding photography, child photography, what we like to do. I felt myself shrinking back, wanting to run away from the opportunity, wanting to run away from the possibility of being a photographer. Why? Because I've failed in the past and surely will fail again.

But as my friend said - let's just DO it. Not think about it, not talk about it, just DO it.

All I have to do is take the next step. That will be my Artist's Prayer:

All I have to do is take the next step.

Tagged!

2006-02-03T08:16:00.000-08:00

I have been tagged by the fabulous Stefanie:

Four jobs in my past:
Outside drive through cashier at Burger King
Front desk clerk
Assistant financial controller
Computer Infrastructure Architect

Four movies I could watch over and over:
The Fifth Element
How to Make An American Quilt
The Princess Bride
Joe Vs. The Volcano (thanks Becky!)

Four places I've lived:
Salinas, California
Lakewood, Colorado
Davis, California
San Francisco

Four TV shows I love:
Charmed
Law and Order
Star Trek Next Generation
Three's Company

Four Places I've vacationed:
Nice, France
Barcelona, Spain
Botswana, Africa
Key West, Florida

Four of my favorite dishes (foods):
risotto
sushi
chicken tikka masala
a good, well seasoned turkey burger

Four sites I visit daily:
Stef
Kat's Paws
The bloggers that say Musing in the AW group!

Four places I'd rather be:
In a sunny corner daydreaming
On a safari in Africa
Snorkeling in Key West
Writing in my blog in pajamas with Ava in my lap (oh wait, that's what I'm doing now!)

One blogger I'm tagging:
Pamela

My hand is going on strike

2006-02-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

Over the last week I have started getting a pain in my right (dominant) hand on that bit of flesh between my little finger and my wrist. I also have a pain in my right elbow sort of in a line up from the hand pain.

This morning as I was writing it was aching, not enough to stop me but enough to annoy me. I wrote..."if I couldn't type then I couldn't work in computers; if I couldn't write I couldn't do what I love (which is write), so the question is, if I couldn't type or write, what would I do?"

This is my question of the day...what would I do that didn't involve much or any typing or writing? The only thing I've thought of yet is teach yoga.

AW Week 4: Reading deprivation

2006-01-31T18:16:00.000-08:00

I've missed reading blogs this week during the AW week 4 of reading deprivation.

Up to this point I've been reading a lot as I've researched my new book. I also read the way some people use TV to relax at the end of a day. My right hand has been aching from a lot of work typing and a lot of morning page writing so reading gives it a rest.

I miss reading! I miss letting words take over my head - someone else's words - and losing myself in reading.

But last night I was obedient - I picked up a blanket I've been crocheting for a year now and crocheted another row. Then I tried meditating for the first time in God knows how long. I'm a rusty and distracted meditator.

Speaking of God, and then back to what to do if I'm not reading...

I'm having a hard time with God and religion lately. This keeps coming up in the AW with all of the God stuff mentioned, but I'm realizing I don't know what I believe. I always assumed I believed in some God, but what if there is more than one? Native Americans believed in many; Native Indians (as in the ones who are from India) believed in many. Then sometimes believing there are many is more daunting - I mean - which do I make which kind of requests? I don't say prayers, that word prayer leaves me feeling unsettled lately, so I just call them requests.

Anyway...it's just another question without an immediate answer.

Back to reading deprivation. I can see it's a good thing, because ideas I had a while back are coming up and saying "hey, remember me?" Here are a couple things I have thought to do if I am not reading:

watch a disney movie with Ava
(cheating, i bet, but since I usually read AND watch a movie, it's nice to do just one thing)
crochet
meditate
practice yoga on the living room floor
play legos with Ava
call a friend I haven't talked to in months
come up with original ideas instead of the ideas others have written already

What has everyone else done instead of read????

For this week's AD, I went to Africa

2006-01-26T14:46:00.000-08:00

I really didn't think I'd have time this week for an AD. I'm not home this weekend as I'm heading to Madera (near Fresno, in the complete middle of California) to help my Mom watch my two nieces and help prevent self-induced hair loss on her part.

So I was just about to give up. Then in the middle of my workday, in between client sites and offsite meetings, I found I had an extra couple hours. I decided to make a side trip to Office Depot to search for the Right Pen and then make my AD a walk through the IKEA showroom.

Not the most exciting AD, but maybe they are not about being exciting. Maybe it's about something else.

So I meander to the pen aisle at Office Depot, in search of the pen I "borrowed" from one of my client's supply closet and since have enjoyed the speed at which ink flows out of this papermate medium point but alas, they don't carry it. I tried writing with at least seven different pens but nothing could compare to the pen I stole. Albeit, I stole the pen from my client site because I wanted to see if it was morning pages-worthy. It was.

Then I drove across the parking lot into the giant IKEA parking structure. I bought myself a hot dog and then went up to the showroom.

About this time you're wondering about Africa, right? When do I get to Africa? I'm almost there, just a second.

I have wandered through half of the store, trying to go slowly with the ultimate luxury of not actually shopping for anything and not having my toddler in a cart. I walk through the mini-apartments and note with a smile that all of the books are in Swedish. I am heading through all the chairs and sit in one that looks like a spiderweb wrapped around a metal frame.

Then the intro to U2's "Beautiful Day" began to play just as I was walking into a kitchen with long cala lilly lights casting circles onto a kitchen island.

I close my eyes and I am back in Botswana, Africa. It is September 2002 and I am watching elephants saunter in a long line a quarter mile away from our open Land Rover. The day is dry and dusty, as to be expected this season before the rains come. I am wearing dusty khaki shorts, an olive green and white striped t-shirt and hiking boots.

Beautiful Day plays on my cd player headphones, I am hiding behind the music so I don't have to talk to anyone for a little while. This one time I decided to not take photos - I have so many elephant photos after 20 days in Africa I don't need anymore.

This time I will just watch, record in my mind two dozen elephants walking past with beauty and grace while my ears are hearing U2's Beautiful Day.

This happens everytime I hear this song - every time my thoughts go inward and I see elephants - trunks and tails swinging and large round gray feet rising in falling in time with the music.

I thought my AD was going to IKEA, but someone in charge in the Universe decided I was going to Botswana instead.

Week 3: Tasks

2006-01-24T15:06:00.000-08:00

I am struggling with a few of the tasks this week. In #3 I am supposed to take a look at my habits, but I couldn't think of any rotten habits. I don't watch much TV - the only thing I regularly watch is Charmed at 8PM on Sundays. Sometimes I sneak in a 6PM rerun of Charmed on the weekdays, but not often.

The only "habit" I could think of is that I put nearly everything else before self-care, before me. I guess this is a habit, and one it's time to break.

The payoff is that I have a "worthy" excuse to not write. I'm too busy, you see...

I also got stuck on people I admire and people who I wish I'd met who were dead. I always think these people are supposed to be famous. I don't really admire anyone famous.

I thought for a moment of who I'd like to hang out with for a while in eternity and I thought about my two great-grandmothers.

My Great Grandma Beulah, my dad's mom's mother, she died when I was eighteen and away at college. She was spunky, feisty, and full of surprises. Once I remember her putting on my brother's loafers and dancing with him in the living room. I've been told she came across the US in a covered wagon and also that she met my great-grandfather on a steamboat on the Mississippi River. She like him, but said that he would have to quit gambling and drinking if he wanted to marry her. I'd love the chance to talk with her for a while longer.

My Great Grandma Goller, my mom's mom's mom, she died when I was young - like elementary school young. I vaguely remember the mobile home she lived in nearby. She was married four or five times and at one point owned a boarding home. She was independent and self reliant. She was a Christian Scientist who healed herself if she got sick and was well into her eighties when she passed. I'd love to talk to her for a long afternoon as the shadows drag along the floor. I'd ask her about her religion, about her life, where she grew up and what life was like for her.

Both of these women were independent, self-reliant, spoke their own minds, and were both born in the late 1800's when women weren't "supposed" to be that way.

Good enough AD

2006-01-22T13:03:00.000-08:00

I had a good AD...not a great AD, but a good AD.

I had thought I was going to one of my fav local coffee shops with big glass windows that overlooks a park (Dolores Park Cafe) but digressed and started with a pedicure.

I love, love, LOVE getting pedicures. I couldn't decide between blue and purple so my left toes are blue and my right toes are purple.

Then I hopped on muni and went down to Market Street. Went into a used bookstore I've passed many times but never entered before. (My artist seems to love bookstores, hm...)

Then, I hunger grabbed me and led me to a sushi place. Sushi, I love sushi! I love that after I eat raw fish I want ice cream to ease the fishy taste out of my mouth.

After I took muni back to my car, making sure I wasn't going to be late to relieve my babysitter, I asked my artist if I was a good date.

Ice cream! We forgot the ice cream, she insisted.

So a slight detour to get B&J's Chunky Monkey, and the date was good. My artist insisted she would go out with me again. *grin*

Week 2: Check In

2006-01-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

I did my morning pages every day although on Thursday they were evening pages and Friday they were afternoon pages.

I did some of the exercises - I didn't read the basic principles every day and I didn't do the affirmations every day.

However, as the Rules of the Road on p55 - I did make one small and gentle goal: to write one page for my new book project. I handwrote about three, which I am going to go back and read even though I wrote them during my morning pages. I won't read any other bits of the morning pages. Okay, maybe I won't read the pages because my critic was sitting on my shoulder at the time criticizing every word.

I am going to make this my affirmation for the next week:
Universe, I will take care of the quantity if you take care of the quality.

I am leaving for my artist date at 2:30 when my babysitter shows up. This has been the hardest thing - justifying paying a babysitter for me to have an artist date - this alone is a breakthrough for me!!!

Issues...I already talked about the crazymakers. Somehow on my first pass through the AW I missed that whole part!

Off the subject...
I'm going to break an old do-it-myself pattern and ask for help. I am reasearching Native American tribes that lived in what's now the SF Bay Area. Does anyone have any info, contacts, or resources you would mind passing my way? I am specifically interested in finding someone who is a descendant of one of these numerous tribes (loosely grouped as the Ohlones) who would be willing to talk to me about these tribes. Thanks!

Work chaos and craziness

2006-01-21T12:10:00.000-08:00

It was no coincidence that crazymakers were a big topic in this week's chapter of the AW. Work has been insanely crazy for the last couple weeks. A bit of background - I work three (official) days a week doing IT for 4 clients in and around the SF bay area. I see one client Monday and half of Thursday, and the rest of the clients in the pieces I have left.

I don't do this on my own - I work for a company that has seven people on staff doing this and a couple of the clients I share, but the part that I need to do seems to be especially crazy and the CEOs of two of my clients are Crazymakers with a capital C.

I was thinking about Crazymakers yesterday as I did my morning pages at 1PM...again they'd interrupted my Friday off...again I was stressed out from working late on a unresolvable issue the night before.

So I re-read the bit on Crazymakers and when I got to the bit where Julia writes that I am involved with them because I'm crazy too and it's a way to stay blocked, well, it got me.

Okay, fine, I'm still blocked, but what am I resisting. One or two seconds after I asked myself this question I realized that buying into the crazyness of work means I don't have to do MY project. It means that I have a grand and noble excuse in the world where workaholism is revered.

I used to be such a good workaholic, but now I am a resentful workaholic as I realize my number one issue is I don't know how to say no. I also volunteer to do things that aren't going to help me in the slightest because I know they need to be done, but doing them steals time from my days off...which means it steals Julie time and time with my daughter and husband.

Must be time for me to learn this lesson. It must be.

Perhaps what I need to do is work on that auto-yes response. Before I say yes, before I volunteer, maybe I need to take that second and breathe, check in, and see if I really can do it. See what the cost is if I say yes, if I volunteer.

Anyone have any ideas? Is anyone else a recovering "yes" to everyone except themselves?

The audio that got me to the AW

2006-01-19T10:11:00.000-08:00

is this one...
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1564557251/qid=1137694260/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-5738374-6151008?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

The Writing Life
Julia Cameron and Natalie Goldberg

It's good, funny, entertaining, and they don't always agree with each other!

A gift to my artist/writer

2006-01-17T21:25:00.000-08:00

Before I did the AW for the first time three years ago, I moved from using small journals, sometimes hard bound but always brightly colorful to large, blank 9x12 inch hard spiral bound sketch books.

There were a few reasons, the biggest being I was tired of fitting my handwriting exactly into the lines on the page. I wanted to write with fat crayola markers in bold colors (a pre AW gift to my artist who felt that there were not enough markers in her childhood) and they just didn't fit in the compact lines of the compact journals. They had to be hardbound, because I didn't want to search around for a hard book to put under the journal. They also had to be spiral bound so I could write on the whole page without having to break the binding.

I always got nervous as I neared the end of one book - did I have a spare? These could only be found at art supply stores and at $16 a piece they felt expensive when I felt poor. At the most I'd buy two at a time to help ease the transition.

Last week I gave my inner writer a gift. After half an hour of searching, I found this site: http://www.jerrysartarama.com/
And after half an hour of searching the brand names of the six types of 9x12 books I've used in the past five years turned up this one:
Cachet Flexicraft wirebound sketch book, 9x12, 75 sheets
http://www.jerrysartarama.com/art-supply/catalogs/0063097000000

It does the job, quite nicely, especially at $7.49 a piece instead of $16 and no sales tax!!!

I splurged and bought a CASE! A case will last me about a year...a case is a guarantee to my creator/writer that we aren't going to run out of space to write - there is no need to conserve words at all!

They arrived yesterday - a small box packed into a larger box with packing paper. I guess they wanted to be sure the books didn't break.

I swear I heard my inner writer tap dancing at the sight...

To my artist/writer/creator...this is better than winning the lottery.

Week 1: Check In

2006-01-15T11:51:00.000-08:00

I made the decision to join the AW group on Wednesday, after a particularly difficult day at work where I was beat up by one client and Thursday I was beat up by another.

The morning pages became my way of coping, of not taking out the frustration and aggravation on my partner and my daughter. Well, at least not as much as I could have. I did my morning pages Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

The artist's date gave me some time just for me - precious invaluable time to not be a computer network engineer, to not be a mom, to just be Julie.

New creative monsters thundered in although I don't know who they are yet. I heard their voices when I was writing "I am a brilliant, talented, and prolific writer" over and over again. They had numerous nasty things to say:

I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
No you're not.
I am a brilliant talented and prolific writer.
You forgot a comma. How can you be a brilliant writer when you forgot a comma.
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
Your writing sucked compared to the rest of the writing group. (This refers to a writing group I joined last year.)
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
Your book sucked - it was unreadable and your art was pathetic and too simplistic and I don't know why you bothered.
I am too a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
You are wasting space (with this writing). Why do you keep these books (journals) anyway?
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
Just give up - there's no point.
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
You can't even write in a straight line.
I am a brilliant, talented and prolific writer.
And to that nasty voice or voices, you can F*** OFF!!!

These voices have been in my head for a while - especially when I was trying to do morning pages before I joined the AW group. I felt like I was wasting space in the $12 hardbound spiral sketch books I buy for my writing. I may not know who the voices represent yet - and I may not need to because at least their words are out in the open so I can tell them to F*** OFF!!!

In general, my hope is renewed. Everything is possible again and I am so eternally grateful.

Yesterday, my artist and I had a date

2006-01-15T08:01:00.000-08:00

My mother-in-law had Ava yesterday and I had four lovely hours to do whatever I pleased.

I get stumped sometimes thinking that there is some "right" thing my artist should be doing. I read a post (which I will link to after I finish writing this!) where the AW member went to whole foods for her date. I love whole foods, even if all I do is wander the aisles and browse.

When I got in my car though, I had an inkling of what my artist wanted to do. She wanted to go to the two story big Barnes & Noble in San Mateo and browse. She wanted to be with all of those lovely books and walk the aisles and look at the titles. She wanted to do a teensy bit of research for the baby project (which is a book idea for those who want a clue, and not about babies :)

So as I exited to the B&N and saw the giant new Whole Foods at the exit. Of course I knew it was there and of COURSE I forgot! So I went there first, got a large Chai (instead of the small I usually get) and a yummy cinnamon roll pastry and browsed... I looked at the vitamins, I looked at the baby books, I looked at the juices and the bins of bulk foods. I browsed for about an hour looking at all the products and wondering just what people do with them. What do people use all these vitamins for?

Then...THEN I went to B&N.

I love this particular B&N. I fell in love when it was first built and we've had a long distance love affair since I moved from the Peninsula up to SF. Walking in felt like home. I know where to find everything. I know where the computer books are...I've spent a lot of time and money with those kinds books. I know where the alternative books are. I know all too well where the self help books are.

I gave myself a $20 book budget and if I don't include the colorful board book I bought for Ava, only exceeded the budget by $2.

I came home relaxed. I came home happy to come home and play with my wonderful little 21-month old girl.

Later I'll do my check in, but now T wants some attention :)

Thank you all for your encouragement and posts. My heart is warm with all of the love and support. The AW is exactly what I needed!!!!

Yes, I woke up this morning, and AW progress

2006-01-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, I did it, through an act of Whomever Was On Duty rather than myself.

I woke at 5.. too early.
I woke at 6:30 when the alarm went off, but T was just too warm and snuggly.
I woke at 6:35 when my client (who has an east coast stock trading desk) called and hung up because he solved his own problem.

By the time I got up to check the phone, it had stopped ringing, but I took this as Divine Intervention from the Entity On Duty and got up and wrote those three blasted pages. I wrote about my almost forgotten dreams of my ex - where I was packing up so much clutter because I was leaving him.

This would be the same ex that I named as a creativity monster from the AW exercise as I remembered reading him a poem I wrote and he didn't like it because it was "sad." He didn't like sad, it would turn out, because he was afraid to go there. Afraid to dip his big toe in the waters of melancholy. So for the five years I was with the SOB (his last name ends in B, btw) I stopped writing. Why I started writing again is a whole different story that I'm not ready to tell yet.

I'm angry just thinking about it. I'm angry thinking that he stole my creativity, or worse, I threw it away because it was unacceptable to him.

I think my dream was telling me to clean out the clutter he's left in my head - it's time for him to go.

I am also trying to think of what I would do if I had three different lifetimes...but I'm a bit stuck.

p.s.
At the encouragement of Krista I will list one thing I would do in alternate lifetime #1
teacher

okay, two:
healer

okay, I'll do all three:
write, publish, and promote children's literature

thanks Krista...I needed the encouragement!

Coming home to the artist's way

2006-01-11T18:57:00.000-08:00

Just today I joined a virtual Artist's Way group.

I snuck in under the first week as I just discovered the group when I went to www.loobylu.com and I'm not even sure why.

The irony, the serendipity of it all is that I'm listening to a tape on writing by Julia Cameron and Natalie Goldberg as I'm working on a first-trimester of a writing project. One of my dearest friends (who shall remain blogless, because she has no blog) told me when I shared the idea with her, said my baby project is like the first trimester of pregnancy...I should only share it with people whom I would tell if I miscarried.

After listening to this tape for the past few days, having Julia mention morning pages over and over and Natalie mention a writing practice over and over again, the idea stuck in my head.

So before I lept up and asked if I could join the AW group, I read the Intro and the first chapter. It felt so...familiar.

I've never given up writing morning pages. I didn't write them so much in the last few months because ... (good excuses to follow) ... I have a toddler, I have a part time job, I have a partner... but the reality is I don't put me first. I don't think of myself as important enough in the equation.

I put spending time with my wonderful little girl ahead of me, I put work ahead of me.

Then this fabulous baby of an idea (which I'm still not ready to share with the Internet!) arrived in my morning pages and it just won't go away. It needs love, it needs support. Frankly, it needs me.

Tomorrow my goal is to get up before I need to and write those three pages. Saturday my goal is to get my teenage baby sitter for a couple hours and take my artist on a date.

It's good to be home.

Spare some change?

2005-12-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

This morning I realized after T dropped me off at work that I'd forgotten my wallet in the non-waterproof coat I was wearing yesterday.

I had also recently changed day planners, so the spare twenty I tuck into the pocket hadn't transferred yet.

I also usually have a few dollars in my pocket for the bus...that amounted to $2.29...not enough for lunch or even coffee.

So I decide to "borrow" some cereal from my client's stash. I choose Rice Krispies and surrepitiously pour a bowl and sneak out a back door so nobody notices my theft.

I eat a couple bites and notice a couple black flecks in the bowl....under closer examiniation:

BUGS!

There are bugs, just two, and definitely dead, in my bowl of stolen cereal.

I go back to the kitchen, pour the cereal down the drain, and decide to get coffee. I get the milk and sugar ready first, go to pour coffee, and....

it's OUT! No more coffee!

About this time I call T and beg for him to come give me money...he arrives shortly after I call.

I walk up to the car and say...

"Spare some change?"

New sources of peace and calm

2005-12-04T17:45:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to get to a rebirthing class for about six months. I don't really get rebirthed in this class, but it's a healing breath that takes over my body and sometimes people get visions of their own birth. I once had a vision that I was in a red room, but that was the closest I got to seeing my own birth.

Before I mated and procreated, getting to the class was quite easy. About fifteen minutes before the class would start I would leave, get in my car, and drive to class. I would walk in, pay $20, lay down on a yoga mat with a couple blankets and breathe.

Since I got pregnant twenty-nine months ago I haven't gone. I get stopped somewhere between starting to leave and getting in my car. Something always comes up. Tonight, T is running a bit late and I'm tired anyway. Too tired to get in the car and drive. Too tired to tell him to hurry so I can rush and leave.

I wonder if I'm avoiding something by not going. I used to go once a month religiously and my whole life was more calm and peaceful because of it. When I was going regularly, I noticed that the chatter in my brain was reduced to a low mumble. These are great reasons to go, yet not good enough I suppose.

Also, leaving at 6PM on a Sunday when I'm working on Monday is challenging. Ava needs dinner, a bath, and me to snuggle with as we watch Baby Einstein videos to relax. I need these routines to enjoy the fading twilight moments of a Sunday before a full day of work. I need these moments and this ritual perhaps more than rhythmic breathing.

Funny thing, by the time Ava and I get settled into the big red chair I'm pretty relaxed and my brain has shifted into a lower speed of chatter already.

Perhaps, just perhaps, I found a new family-oriented way to have the benefits of the class minus the visions but with my sweet little girl by my side.

And the answer is...

2005-11-30T21:21:00.000-08:00

c) I ran into the front door, while (subconsciously) running away from my family.

I went to go put Ava's booster chair in my car after seeing there was already a high chair waiting for her, the strap caught on the table next to the door and I didn't notice the door caught on the carpet and I walked right into the edge.

A bump the size of a marble grew just beneath my eyebrow and eventually the swelling went down after icing it for two hours before Thanksgiving dinner.

I did not say, during dinner, that I was grateful for getting a black eye. Amused, perhaps, but I not grateful.

My eye is now at that yellowish-dark purple stage and looks like a case of 80s eye shadow gone awry. I also managed to bump my forehead on a shelf a couple days ago and T exclaimed, "That's it! They're putting me in jail for sure!"

I assured him I would tell the police I am not a battered partner, just a clumsy one.

Black eyed Julie

2005-11-28T13:19:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend I got my first ever black eye...

Please cast your vote on how I got this black eye...

a) I got into a fight with another Mom while shopping for toys on Friday

b) I got hit by a football while playing touch football on Thursday before dinner

c) I ran into the door while trying to make a quick getaway from the family

d) Ava hit me accidentally while trying to grab my mobile phone

e) None of the above

Holiday Blues

2005-11-21T09:07:00.000-08:00

I am feeling angry, moody, and resentful today.

I had to work yesterday, upgrading a Blackberry Enterprise Server at a client site that bit a four hour chunk out of a beautiful Sunday.

During this time T and Ava went with T's ex (who is now his friend, but I can't bring myself to just say his friend ...) Christine and her Dad to see some property the Dad bought way out in the Delta.

I didn't know about this until the ex called at 9AM and I was scheduled to work at 2 and thus, wasn't invited.

It wasn't like he was excluding me, it wasn't like he didn't want me to come. It wasn't about him doing anything except going somewhere all day with his ex and leaving me out because I had to work.

I believe our relationship is still suffering from his case of holiday duress, which he always suffers from every holiday season. Until I met him, I never had arguements about the holidays. Of course you went to see family, because that's what you do at Thanksgiving and Christmas, right? Of course you don't love and adore every single f*ing relative you have, but if you only see them once a year, so what? You can love them enough for the same bit of A-positive blood that runs through their veins and yours.

And yes, you decorate the house, because that's what you do. Because it's cool that once a year you have a big six foot real live pine tree in your house decorated with bright lights and trinkets and it smells divine.

That's just what people do, right? That's just what I've always done, every year, and if I complain about doing these things I really don't mean I don't want to participate. I love that for a small slice of time the normal rules of everyday living are suspended.

I want to love the holidays, I want to spend my holidays with T and Ava. We're a family, and the whole point of the holidays is to be with family, right?

I wish I had a point. I wish I had a solution. T seems to be fine now, but I'm the one irritated.

I wish, for two seconds, I could love the holidays for what they give me and not want to end my relationship between now and January 1st.

Three's Company

2005-11-16T21:14:00.000-08:00

I've been blessed this week. Tonight I met up with my wonderful friends Becky and Stef and chit-chatted a couple hours away. Stef left first, to tuck her little one into bed and Beck and I didn't stay much longer, just long enough until we said everything.

There is something marvelously comforting to hanging out with friends who have known me long enough to understand me. To understand that I am mostly sane, that the only constant in my life is change, and even though they are a little like that they aren't exactly like me and get me just the same.

I was telling them that I shifted something in the cosmic fabric of my world this week. On Tuesday at Ava's play gym I was getting crabby. Usually it is because of all the other Moms in the place that are feeling crabby and I pick up on it. I am an emotional sponge - I absorb all of the emotions around me without even thinking about it. Most of the time I wish I did have to think about it because then I wouldn't pick them up in the first place!

But I had a minor epiphany on Tuesday. I thought that if I was so good at picking up everyone's bad stuff, why couldn't I pick up their good stuff for a change? Why did it have to be the negative stuff that followed me around like toilet paper stuck to my shoe?

The last few days, okay, since yesterday, I've been asking whomever is in charge to let me absorb the good stuff. Let me absorb the love and the joy. Wouldn't you know it, I end up in an elementary school today surrounded by little people who all looked at me with big wide eyes. I could feel the love, taste, touch, and smell the love. All day in fact, I felt love. I didn't see the angst for a change, I had extra energy for a change! I drove all over the bay area for work today, but wasn't beat up and tired.

I came home from meeting up with my friends and had energy so I cleaned up three days worth of dirty dishes in the sink.

That never happens! (Not the dirty dishes, but the desire to clean them at 9PM!)

Now my people are all alseep, the dishwasher is running, and I'm going to rest with a new book from my free book stack. Goodnight all, I'm sending you love.

Free stuff is good stuff

2005-11-14T11:08:00.000-08:00

This morning I went to meet a coworker at a client site that I have only visited once before. I made the necessary introductions, marveling as I did the last time at all of the books everywhere. Both partners in this Venture Capital firm are on the boards of different book publishers (one HarperCollins and the other I don't remember) and they receive books, perhaps even every book that is published by these two publishing houses.

They had a couple boxes of books near the computer stuff, so being a bibliophile of the highest nature, had to ask. They're going to be donated, I was told. My client, who is the assistant to these two partners, saw the look on my face and said I was welcome to take what I wanted!

Free books!!!! Woo hoo!!!! Free BOOKS!!!!

She also pointed at the bookshelves and said I could take what I wanted from there as well.

I limited myself to five books and one audio book for T. Five beautiful, free, hardcover books. One even by an author I know and like. The others are unknown to me, but not for long!!!

On the verge of something miraculous

2005-11-08T15:24:00.000-08:00

We have done a lot of cleaning, decluttering, and moving things around in our home over the last couple months.

Ava has a new Ikea decorated bedroom and has graduated from her crib to a toddler bed. The bed measures 63 inches long, which is good since mom is 61-1/2 inches long I can lay down next to her and ensure she falls asleep. She can get out of this bed on her own, but sometimes forgets and cries when she wakes. It's okay, I don't want my little girl growing up too fast.

We've also redone our living room and removed two large wood pieces (a stand alone bar and a desk) and mounted shelves on the walls with hidden mounting brackets. We replaced a few uncomfortable metal/vinyl chairs with a comfy small red leather sofa. It feels like the room opened up and said "aaaaaahhhhhh...." The room used to be just a transition between front door and kitchen, but now it says "come in, sit down, read, relax, or just chat." T and I are both enjoying the change.

So we did these big things and then I stared at the house as if it was going to cough up the answers to all of my life questions right that very second. Patience, I have as much patience as Ava these days.

But now, a couple weeks later, the changes are happening. When I saw my fab alternative doctor last week she said the dandruff that has plagued me since Ava's birth was a block to my creative flow and when it bothers me to ask that the block be removed.

The next morning after this visit, I absentmindedly scratched at that dry patch on the left side of my scalp, then remembered and asked "whomever was on duty" as my Mom says, to please remove the block. The immediate response was "write." SOaB!

So I've started writing again, three-ish pages a day of free flowing whatever comes to mind but don't force it writing. I've also been reading - marvelous fantasy books by a young author - and my creativity is flowing again. I'm bursting with a crafty idea for Christmas presents and something else I'm not ready to share yet.

All of this was helped by going away last weekend with my dear friend Tracey. Two moms escaping to Calistoga for less than 48 hours. We slept, got spa treatments (including my first ever mud bath!), and went to bed super early.

Life...it just keeps getting better.

I {heart} these things

2005-10-19T20:16:00.000-07:00

I {heart}...

...artichokes
...my own recipe risotto
...Ben & Jerry's chunky monkey ice cream
...going to yoga, even if I have to keep bringing my brain back when I'm in it
...being part of small teams that make big things happen
...being a Mom, but especially being a Mah-MEE
...the way Ava's face lights up when she sees me
...watching Ava carry my purple beaded bag slung over her upper arm, with her arm in "right turn" pose so it won't fall off
...moments when life feels utterly perfect
...moments of complete silence in my home
...playing in the dirt and planting spring bulbs
...my friends
...my partner, my boyfriend, my mate (I also {heart} that these are all the same guy)
...fuzzy pajamas with feet because they keep Ava warm when she kicks off the blankets
...my Franklin planner even though I have a Treo and Goodlink
...the satisfaction after I figure out how to do something technical
...possibility, that everything and anything is possible
...that moods shift, always
...Trader Joe's strawberry lemonade
...good clothes on sale
...Bic cheapo mechanical pencils with .7 mm lead
...big fat crayola markers
...Ava's laugh
...when love shines through T's smile

What do you {heart}?

Moving History

2005-10-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

My first move happened when I was about four years old - I moved from one side of Salinas to another when my parents bought their first home.
My second move happened when I was twelve and a half and my parents sold that house and got divorced. My Mom, brother and I moved from Salinas to Lakewood Colorado.
Third: three months after moving to Lakewood, we moved about a mile away into my step-father's house.
Fourth: fifteen months later, I moved from Lakewood Colorado back to Salinas, and in with my friend Sheri and her family
Fifth: two years later I moved from Sheri's to my Dad's about half a mile away
Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth: two years later I moved to UC Davis for college, where I moved every year until I graduated
Tenth: I moved from Davis to Sacramento with my boyfriend Mike
Eleventh: One year later I moved into my own studio in downtown Sacramento
Twelveth: One year later I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment with my cousin Kelly
Thirteenth: One year later I moved in with my boyfriend Stuart to the Pocket area of Sac
Fourteenth: One year later Stuart and I moved near CSU Sacramento
Fifteenth: Two years later Stuart and I bought a house in Folsom
Sixteenth: Two years later I moved into my own place in the Natomas area of Sac
Seventeenth: Six months later I moved to Redwood Shores with my boyfriend Bill
Eighteenth: Two years later Bill and I bought a house in Redwood City
Nineteenth: Two years later I moved to my own flat in Noe Valley - San Francisco
Twentieth: Two years later I moved in with T in the Portola District of San Francisco

I am thirty six years old. I have moved twenty times. I have not lived in the same place for more than two years since I was twelve. This seems rather crazy at best and madly insane at worst.

I like moving. I like that during each move I have sorted through things that I've collected during the time I've been in one place and decide whether they are coming or going to a new home. It's cleansing, the whole process, of letting go of things that used to represent me but no longer do.

Now though, I want to stay where I am for a while. I want to complete projects like the backyard and the new room. I want to have all my mail arrive for a while without the yellow forwarding stickers from the post office.

T always talks of moving, of selling the house, buying another one somewhere different. I know his reasons, the neighborhood isn't the greatest, the people in the neighborhood are not the greatest.

But I like our house. There are things I would do and change, but it suits us. And I'm finally tired of moving.

Grass, Sprinklers, and Gratitude

2005-10-16T19:07:00.000-07:00

I am taking a moment to myself. We have been busy this weekend, T, Ava, and I, getting our backyard ready for grass.

We have been buying things...steer manure, plastic pvc pipes to connect sprinklers, connectors for the pvc pipes, and sprinklers. T rented a big powerful rototiller and rototilled many times the same dirt. He rented more shovels to dig trenches, and then was heading back out. I asked "did you forget something?"

"Yes," he replied, "guys to dig the trenches." There is always a line of men lined up outside the Kelly Moore paint store on Ceasar Chavez so he enlisted a couple and they came and dig trenches. My friend Amy calles them "day laborers" but we called them Mexicans, because they were from Mexico. Either way, they got money, we got trenches, and we all went away happy.

The dirt is ready. It has been tilled, raked, tilled, and raked again. The sprinklers work, even automatically! We have removed all of the wild onions we could see, which was thousands. I asked the onions if they would please move on, they have lived in our backyard for long enough.

We went to go get sod, but no sod was to be found today. That's okay, we'll get it this week. Turns out T wanted to rake a bit more because of some low spots that he wanted to rearrange.

I wanted to go to a meditation/breathing class tonight, that I haven't been to since before I was pregnant. I used to go to every monthly class. I seem to be resisting it for some reason. It's hard to tear myself away from things, anything, everything, to carve out the delicate space for me. I did, however, book a weekend in Calistoga with my friend Tracey for November when we plan on running away from husbands and daughters. We're so good though, we only decided to go for two nights because the place where we're staying will only do two night reservations on the weekends. So we're leaving late Friday and coming home by lunchtime on Sunday. We have one full magical day at Calistoga Inn & Spa and part of two others.

Next weekend Ava and I take off for Colorado to see my Mom. For the past four years I've gone to Colorado in October. The timing wasn't intentional, it always seems to happen that I go out there in October.

But I am rambling and digressing as usual.

I forgot about grateful friday, so here's a teensy bit of Grateful Sunday.

I am grateful we are getting grass in the backyard!
I am grateful that anytime I feel stuck, it eventually goes away.
I am grateful to have such a wonderful daughter who amuses me for who she is.
I am grateful for all of my women friends - if you're reading this, you are one of them! You add warmth, depth, humor, and compassion to my life.
I am grateful for T, he's a hard worker, he's determined, and like me, continually strives for more.
I am grateful for my parents. They have each contributed to me in their own ways.
I am grateful for artichokes and especially the two I ate for dinner. They are one fabulous vegetable.
I am grateful that Ava is always with someone who loves her. My wish when I was pregnant was that she would always know she was loved.

But now, it's bathtime for my little girl. I've been hiding upstairs for half an hour now and it's time to join my family.

Grateful Friday

2005-10-07T14:58:00.000-07:00

Today I am grateful for Ava's long nap as she recovers from being sick yesterday. I'm grateful that I caught up, for the moment, and played and won Spider Solitaire!

I'm grateful that in this moment, there is silence and peace in my home.

I'm grateful that I have enough money to pay my bills and save a bit.

I'm grateful for my beautiful, wonderful daughter.

I'm grateful for my partner, who really is the best partner for me.

I'm grateful for all the times I stayed put when I wanted to run away.

I'm grateful for my friends.

I'm grateful that Cost Plus carries McVitie's Milk Chocolate Caramel Digestive cookies (made in the UK). They are now my favorite cookie!

I am grateful for the moment to catch my breath.

Fridays! I'm grateful for my Fridays off.

I'm grateful I can go to yoga at 4:30 on Fridays if I choose.

Thanks Stef...for Grateful Friday.

Where am I in my brain?

2005-10-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

If this isn't a self revelation, I don't know what is.

Last night I attended this event at Landmark Education. Yes, I went to Landmark for those gentle Internet readers that don't know. I was quite active until the birth of one particular small child that I have let usurp any shred of my life that is still mine.

But lately, I've been going through not just the little changes as usual, but whopping giant changes. I started reading this book two weeks ago, while daughter and dada were in Tennessee. This book was great, absolutely the sense that needed to be made of the chaos that is my head. This book was so great, that life worked well until my family came home and then chaos took over again.

Basically, the book is saying that all those thoughts in my head? They aren't me. I don't have to believe them, in fact, if I can just observe them, they may even start to be funny.

I went along, doing my things, for a while, actually chuckling to some of the crazy thoughts in my head, until my peeps came home and then those thoughts sucker punched me in the gut and sent me into a tailspin where I got waaaaaaayyyyy too sensitive and took everything like an attack and attacked back.

After a few days of arguing with T, we, but mostly he, suggested that I need something else in my life. He, amusingly as always said I should "go get laid." This always makes me laugh, because that is something a guy would tell another guy to do to get out of a funk.

But he is right, I am missing something that drives me, although I'm not going to find it between the legs of a different man.

Then a whole day passed where things worked out well, things lined up well, and that day was yesterday. I had a babysitter (Nana) and I could go to this Landmark event called Living A Created Life. Three hours. $45. My kind of commitment these days.

As it would turn out, the boiled down summary of the event was what I've been reading about in The Power of Now (book link above). The Landmark leader even had some cool brain science to back up the crazy notion that I am not my thoughts. Here is my over-simplified view of what was said, in my words, which may or may not be accurate.

There are a few parts to the brain.
There is the brain stem.
There is the midbrain.
There is the cortex.

The brain stem has a tiny bit to do with reactions - like if you touch a hot pan and you pull your hand away, really, only the nervous system and a bit of the brain stem have anything to do about it.

The midbrain is the same kind of brain an alligator has - it's our reptilian brain. It's that part of the brain that tells you to run or put up your fists because there is going to be a fight. Now the messed up part of this is that it also considers anything uncomfortable as a reason to fight or run. This is also a reflex action.

Then there is the cortex. It's most of the brain and there is a lot of it. The cortex is made up of neurons and there are thousands of billions of neurons in the brain and they are all connected to each other either directly or indirectly.

Basically, the job of the neurons is to remember stuff that happens. They gather together and remember things that happen and create patterns.

Then - this is the crazy part that makes sense - the brain uses these patterns to predict the future.

That's what the brain does. It uses the past to predict what it thinks will happen in the future.

So wait a second, I think to myself, you mean that my brain is thinking that since my last two marriages were over in 5 years a piece, that certainly this relationship will likely be over in five years also.

Brain, that is some fucked up thinking.

But the question that ties into The Power of Now is where am I in this mess? I'm not the neurons firing or not firing and using things that happened before as a means for figuring out what will happen. I'm certainly not the reptilian midbrain flying at the thought of danger or discomfort. I'm not the brain stem pulling my hand off a hot stove. Where am I?

I am the one, I am going to call the Witness who can observe the thoughts in my head as they pass by. Power of Now calls that Being. Landmark calls that Self. Call it whatever you like. The brain doesn't know what to do when I observe it, although now my brain is set to wreak havoc when I try.

This is where I am right now. I am discovering me in the present moment, because that is not where the cortex, midbrain, or brainstem focus. I am in the moments where there is no talking in my head.

I heart candy corn

2005-09-26T11:55:00.000-07:00

At six AM, when I needed to get up, the sun wasn't up yet. I hate this part about fall.

But the part I love about fall, one of the parts, is the proliferance of Candy Corn everywhere. Not just any candy corn, of course, but Brach's candy corn. No substitutes permitted.

When time permits, I eat the corns individually, first biting off the white, then yellow, then that hunk of orange at the bottom. When I don't, I still eat them one at a time.

I glanced at the ingredients this morning, knowing of course that corn syrup was high on the list, and it was. Oh well. I can't be perfect.